September 24, 2014

A Memo From The Fraternal Order of Mad Scientists, Villains and Evil Persons

(Insipred by the #MadScientistProblems hashtag game on Twitter.)

Fraternal Order
Mad Scientists, Villains and Evil Persons

Dr. Arbigast von Terrordrome, president and CEO

To All Members:

It has recently come to the attention of this organization that, despite regular conferences and seminars concerning various methods designed to ensure that each of your diabolical plans reach fruition, we continue to lose members due to some of the most basic errors that can be easily avoided with the least amount of effort.

Now, it is understood that many of our members consider themselves "old school", as the kids are so fond of saying these days, and like to give their various nemeses a fighting chance, and that's all fine. However, it should be noted that it is completely possible to allow these scenarios while still maintaining a safe and secure secret lair.

With that in mind, we here at FOMSVEP would like to once again offer a few suggestions to help out not only our newer members, but also our longtime members who could do with a refresher.
  • First and foremost -- and to be honest, we're not even sure why this has to be brought up -- there is a reason that it is called a SECRET lair. Whether it is hidden deep in the bowels of a volcano somewhere in a Brazilian rain forest or in the basement of your mother's house, the rule should be as follows: If the pizza guy can find it, so can your nemesis.

  • A henchman with metal teeth or a robotic arm capable of crushing a conversion van with the flick of a wrist is all well and good, but gimmicky stuff like that has limited usability, and can often be left incapacitated with the simple application of a high-voltage wire. Instead, we at the FOMSVEP recommend just hiring regular henchmen. They are easily replaceable and cheaper when you get them in bulk quantities.

  • Speaking of henchmen, would it kill you to require that they take at least one hour per day to practice at the shooting range? Seriously, one good shot can take care of that secret agent from Mi6 so you can get on with your plan.

  • Which brings us to killing your nemesis. If he somehow manages to make it past your henchmen (even with daily shooting practice, we acknowledge that moving targets are harder to hit), complicated traps and/or slow-moving machines that lower them into vats of murderous substances (lava, molten metal, sharks with lasers on their heads, etc.), if you feel the need to use these, should be observed to completion. Aside from the joy of being able to watch your enemy's demise, it is important to make sure it happens.

  • This one is specifically for the mad scientists: Hire an Igor. We cannot recommend them highly enough. If you need a brain, they can get you a brain. Body parts? Same thing. They can even find an entire body, if you need it. And you can pay them in leftovers. They also clean and cook, although we would not recommend that you ask what is in the kidney pies.

  • Secret plans are called that for a reason. There is no reason to inform every single henchman about the full details of what your intentions are. Even more so, you should keep your Doomsday Machine's self-destruct code to yourself. No matter how thoroughly you vet your potential henchmen, it has been established over and over again that they tend to be quite chatty when a guy in a tuxedo ties them up and points even the smallest-caliber gun at them. The rule here should be: Only tell them what their part in the process is and nothing more.

  • Also, in the event that you capture your nemesis and you absolutely must use the slow-moving death method mentioned earlier, let us recommend that, instead of giving him or her a detailed explanation of your twisted plot, you stand quietly and just watch them die. Seriously. We know those situations can lead to awkward silences, but filling it with the information your nemesis needs in order to stop you is probably the worst choice you could make. If you really want to make them uncomfortable, let us suggest singing obscene limericks or pull out that accordion and play play a nice death dirge in a polka style. They'll be too confused to ask about your plans! Everybody wins!
Keep in mind that these are guidelines and not hard-and-fast rules. As noted above, we realize that everybody in the organization likes to use their own approach, but these are areas in which all of us could use some improvement.

One last reminder before closing: We are having another bake sale to help raise funds for our cadaver delivery department. It's been a tough summer, what with the unfortunate heat and the very unfortunate failure of the department's heavy-duty cooling system. The clean-up costs alone were staggering, and they're still trying to figure out the source of that strange smell. Anything you can contribute would be appreciated. However, please make sure that your Igors are not left alone with your baked goods. We do not want a repeat of last year's "screaming potato bread" incident.

Thank you for your time,
Dr. Arbigast von Terrordrome
president and CEO