Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, gang, it's Sunday. And what a Sunday! An hour or two ago, I got home from attending my oldest daughter Amanda's wedding. It was a very fun time. The bride looked beautiful, the groom was clearly enamored with the bride, love was in the air, and I was rocking a tuxedo with a camouflage vest and tie, because sometimes you just have to do that.

Now, while I can't post pics of the bride and her husband yet, I can post this photo of me in the process of the tux rocking I mentioned in the last paragraph.

I didn't mean to turn you on. My bad.

So it was a good day, is what I'm saying. And I've got a shiny new pile of Twitter gold to cram into your eyeballs to finish it out. Everybody wins!

Now, in no particular order...

My internet history is just a frowny emoji with the caption "now, you can't be president" in comic sans.

— ghost victoria (@radtoria) January 23, 2014

Uh, yeah I totally know how to do heroin. Give me those heroins and I'll do the hell out of them. Give me three heroins, idgaf.

— Ray (Sir E) (@SirEviscerate) September 29, 2014

Turds with arms, legs and sunglasses! Science you've gone too far! pic.twitter.com/Ikv5HDyHOm

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 30, 2014

My son asked me to explain the birds and the bees, so I told him the truth. Women have bees in their vaginas.

— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) September 30, 2014

This fart I just Iet out at the public library sounded like a wookie with the flu coughing up clam chowder.

— Juicedballs (@Juicedballs) September 22, 2014

Farnsworth, fetch my gilded buttplug. I feel fancy.

— SoulCoffin (@SoulYodeler) September 26, 2014

Car Salesman: *rolls a couple meatballs across the table and sighs* i can throw these in but that's my FINAL offer my boss is gonna kill me

— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) September 30, 2014

I was gonna go out, but mom was talking shit that she was a better cook so now we're having an iron chef showdown secret ingriedent pain

— Mark Marusich (@NoticablyBacon) October 4, 2014

"Yes. Hello? My wife won't have sex with me anymore." Tech support: Have you tried turning her on?

— Dumbass (@DumbConfessions) July 6, 2014

I'm at a place in life where I choose Halloween costumes based on how warm I'll be instead of how slutty I can look. This year: yeti

— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) October 2, 2014

And there you have it!

Here's to a fantastic week for all of you! As always, allow me to help that along with this little clip that I made with my other kids, Vaughn, Nigel and Caleb. It's called "Enjoy Our Short Shorts". My favorite part is called "The Bet". Enjoy!

All the best,

Derek and Bosco