Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Once again, it is time for a big ol' bunch of tweets that I, personally, found amusing enough to want to share with you.

Why do I do this? There are two main reasons, really:

1. Because maybe it will convince you to stroll on over to Twitter and join, so you can find possibly even funnier people than the ones I am exposing you to; and
2. Because I'm lazy, but I still want to generate content to keep you guys happy.

There are a few other, more trivial reasons, but there's no need to go into those. Suffice to say, many Bothan spies gave their lives so that you can snort and laugh your way through these tweets...

Aaaaaanyway, let's do this thing, shall we? In no particular order..

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 12, 2014

Poundtown - a fictional city that douchebags take women into for a brief, unsatisfying two minute or less adventure.

— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) February 16, 2015

Greatest product review of all time 😂 pic.twitter.com/jIb4myfWpi

— Ridiculousness (@WeLoveRobDyrdek) February 17, 2015

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 26, 2014

I told my homophobic grandpa the word “homo” in Latin actually means “human being.” He said, “Well, uh, I don’t like Latin people, either.”

— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) February 19, 2015

"I am a proud non-reader of books." - Kanye West "I am a proud non-listener of Kanye West records." - me

— Tom Cox (@cox_tom) February 19, 2015

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 5, 2014

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly. Perhaps she'll die. There was an old woman who swallowed a goat. She sings like Stevie Nicks now

— ghost mom (@radtoria) February 22, 2015

Nobody at the office believes me when I say the worse case scenario always involves a molesty Pegasus with Luis Guzman's head.

— Godless Goomba (@ObscureGent) February 20, 2015

Clerk: Do you have six cents? Me: I see dead people. Clerk: You're not funny. Me: Your mom's not funny. Clerk: My mom's dead. Me: I know.

— Natalie P McTitties (@naggalie) January 12, 2015

And there you have it! Now, before we go to the video, I do have a bit of housecleaning to do. Bear with me.

There will be no Here Be Spoilers episode this week because, to be blunt, my job sucks sometimes. Due to scheduling issues, there is not a day this weekend where Jake, Larry and myself can get together to record another episode. Unfortunately, as the only one who knows how to work the equipment and do the editing, Jake and Larry are left hanging.

My apologies to those guys, as well as to you fine folks coming by to see if I'm doing anything on a regular basis. We'll be back next week with a conversation about Spaceballs!

Anyway, here's to a fantastic week for all of you! And to help it along, here's a little video clip to remind you that, although Brian Williams was suspended from NBC for lying about his experience while reporting in Iraq, we should not worry because he can always fall back on his rap career...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Anaconda

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Well, it's a mixed bag over at Ugly Couchcast Industries, and the gang at Here Be Spoilers are still reeling from the movie they had to watch this week...Anaconda.

Featuring a cast of people who are now legitimately allowed to call themselves "professional actors" (despite whatever the hell it is they were doing in this thing), Anaconda is a movie about Jennifer Lopez and her attempts to not throw up after seeing and hearing Jon Voight.

Imagine an audio version of this image, but hammier.

There's also a snake, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson's weird penis nose, and Eric Stoltz, whose character was lucky enough to be injured early on, and therefore didn't have to act or anything complicated like that.

But if you're concerned about a lack of scenery consumption, fear not! Mr. Voight takes up the slack -- and then some -- to make sure that no prop or location is left unchewed in the wake of the worst (and possibly most stereotypical and racist) accent ever.

Upon realizing there was no more scenery to chew, Voight turned on the cast and
wordlessly consumed each of them. It's probably in the Director's Cut.

As they travel down the Amazon to find the lost Shitty Shoeshine(?) tribe, they instead find a big honkin' CGI snake that wants to kill them all in the most ridiculous ways possible. The guys were, of course, rooting for the snake.

Jake, who chose this movie, finds the excessive use of dutch angles (tilted camera shots) to be extremely irritating, as well as the huge number of questions left unanswered. He does, however, think that the ending was appropriate, going so far as to quote Roger fucking Corman to justify it.

"The guy who did Death Race 2000?!"

Larry takes great exception to the fact that the snake, which cost $100,000-per-second to create, would have looked more realistic if it had just been animated by the animators who used to do the old-timey Mickey Mouse cartoons.

These guys were also confused by that.

Derek was so upset and angry about Jon Voight's choice of accent that he really can't talk about much else. Seriously...It's that bad. Just...just don't even...

Along the way, the guys have some news in The Lobby, they see what's Coming Soon, discuss One Thing (sort of), talk about Jake's As-Yet-Unnamed Segment, and introduce a new segment: The Cinematic Six!

So slither your way here, unhinge your jaw, and listen to this week's Here Be Spoilers!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Holy cow, people! What a week on the nerd front! Sony made a deal with Marvel, and now Spider-man is going to finally appear in at least one Marvel Studios flick! Is it gonna be Captain America: Civil War? Avengers: Infinity War? An as-yet unannounced Howard the Duck reboot? (Admit it: you'd watch that.) Nobody's talking.

Another thing they aren't talking about is who will play Peter Parker/Spider-man. Andrew Garfield is, by all indicators, out, so there's an opening. Not to insinuate or anything, but I know a guy...

Sure, I'm too old to play a high school student,
but I make up for it by being really immature.

Anyway, the Twitter machine has been pretty energetic this week, as well. A ton of funny was out there, and I grabbed a handful of it and now present it to you, gentle reader, in order that you might get a bit of a giggle out of it yourself.

And so in no particular order...

use laser vision to destroy the baby. do not allow the baby to manipulate you into using laser vision on others pic.twitter.com/0u9TE45A0g

— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) January 11, 2015

Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.

— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) November 13, 2014

[selling a car] you'll love the mini cooper. this bad boy says, "im great for crying and transporting hot dogs", but also: "i like to party"

— YUNG SPIDER GOD (@buttgh0st) February 11, 2015

This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There now isn't that better?

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) February 11, 2015

Can't help it, I love #content. Best stuff around if you need something in front of your eyeballs so you don't see infinity. #Content rules.

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) February 11, 2015

When you see me online you're just seeing the tip of the iceberg and by that I mean I have a small head and humongous body

— Randamonium (@torrami) February 12, 2015

I think we need to start rehearsing twice a week. Ezra is gaining on us.

— Mike O'Brien (@MikeOBrienXOXO) February 12, 2015

Just going to start calling 50 Shades of Grey "RAPE: THE MOVIE" from here on out.

— Sara Clarke (@sara_clarke) February 15, 2015

GF: my hands r cold :( esp. my ring finger. could somethin give it a tiny warm hug until death does it part? BF: *humping an watermelon* huh

— an slice of pizza (@moon_pizza_mike) February 13, 2015

What they don't tell you is how badly the medical bills for amazeballs will cripple you financially.

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) February 14, 2015

And there you have it! Have yourself an awesome week, and try to stay warm. I don't know where you are, but it is absolutely freezing here. Literally. But, to help warm you up with a few belly laughs, here's a little video clip that my Here Be Spoilers co-host Jake showed me. It's a parody of "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen. It's called...Well, you'll see...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

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It's our 25th episode of Here Be Spoilers! And to celebrate, the guys sat down to watch Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, a movie that begs the question, "Just how goofy can we be and still count as an actual Star Trek movie?"

The answer, of course, is pretty darn goofy.

After the two incredibly dark installments of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, someone at Paramount decided it was time to lighten things up a bit, but still try to cram a message of some kind into it. With that in mind, they gave Leonard Nimoy a shot in the director's chair, and came up with a story about a probe that comes to Earth and inadvertently causes havoc with the planet's atmosphere through a signal it is sending toward the Earth's oceans.

Meanwhile, on Vulcan, the crew of the recently destroyed Enterprise, completely unaware of what's going on back home, decide that, after Spock finishes having his brain fixed, they should take their captured Klingon Bird of Prey back home to face whatever trouble they are in as a result of the events of the previous two movies.

Confused yet?

Wait...We do what now?

Upon getting close to Earth, they receive a warning message from Earth, telling them to stay away. After a bit of research, the crew realizes that the signal from the probe is supposed to be a message to the whales, which have, at this point, been extinct since the late 21st century. Therefore, obviously, the only option is to travel back in time and get a couple of whales to bring back and save the world, because that's the sort of thing the crew of the Enterprise does.

They also display their ineptitude with old-fashioned technology for laughs.

After reaching Earth of the past (in this case, 1985), they dive headlong into a comedy of errors that result in the ship being unable to go anywhere, one of the crew in the hospital from massive head trauma, and countless violations of Starfleet's Prime Directive. But, hey! There were a few laughs, so that makes it okay, right?

LAUGH NOW!

Jake is back! And he's extremely upset by everyone's hair, including the thick tufts sticking out the top of Spock's robe.

Larry is surprised that most of the male leads in this movie are wearing more makeup than the women. In particular, Sulu and Kirk appear to have been made up by teenagers from New Jersey in the mid-eighties, due to the vast quantities of blue eyeshadow they have on.

Derek is traumatized by Chekov's eyebrows, which, by this point, have reach Andy Rooney-level hugeness.

In times of danger, they cover him in a protective shroud.

Along the way, there are lots of News items, a few Coming Attraction, an excessively technical Nerd Rage, One Thing, Larry's List, and Jake's as-yet-unnamed segment. (More on that in a moment.)

So join us, won't we, for our 25th exciting installment of Here Be Spoilers!

*****

So here's the deal: Jake recently came up with an idea for his own segment, which will focus on what a movie would be like if the original director/writer/actor...whatever...had not been replaced. For example, what if Superman Returns had been made by Tim Burton and starring Nicholas Cage (this was an actual thing that almost happened), instead of whoever was responsible for the most Emo Superman movie ever?

It's a fun segment, but we're having trouble coming up with a name for it. So we've decided to come to you, the three or four of you who listen to this show, for suggestions! We'll also be mentioning it in next week's episode to make sure we get the message out there.

In the meantime, if you can come up with a fun or interesting name, please put it in the comments below!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey! You! Stop right there!

Collaborating and/or listening is still optional.

You didn't happen to see a big ol' pile of funny tweets from the Twitter machine, did you? Oh, wait...Here they are...

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

— Oh, Victoria (@VikeeysSecret) January 5, 2014

Ha ha, can't believe people think global warming exists when it's cold out-- hold on! shhh! a magic groundhog is about to ordain the seasons

— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) February 2, 2015

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon* *punches watermelon* "WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!" *slams hands down* "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!"

— Naïve American (@Nahdude83) November 15, 2014

I thought I dated Kate Moss for 6 months but it was a school science lab skeleton covered in bologna held together with cocaine paste.

— Bread John (@Breadery) January 26, 2015

Kylie Jenner is 17, Worth $2,000,000.00...AND she's never worked a day in her life... Ugh...I wish MY older sister was a giant whore...

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) February 4, 2015

Kids "can I have cake for breakfast"? Me "cake isn't for breakfast. Eat this creme filled, chocolate covered, glaze donut with sprinkles"

— Chad's A Dick (@AllPraiseB2Chad) January 24, 2015

please vote for my potato chip flavor pic.twitter.com/3n7HgHWPiP

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 6, 2015

“It’s all about perspective,” she said flirtatiously. Bencivieni di Pepo put down his paintbrush. The year was 1278. “What?”

— Jeffrey Palms (@freypalm) February 6, 2015

Got drunk and finished my taxes. I'm getting 1.3 billion dollars back and I own Puerto Rico.

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 4, 2015

"Eating instant noodles regularly increases the risk of heart disease & stroke." After my creamation just add water & boil for 3 minutes.

— Liam Barrett (@LiamBarrettEsq) February 5, 2015

And there you have it! Pretty groovy, yes? And all without a bunch of yammering beforehand. I feel pretty good about that. In fact, I even feel pretty good about this week's video clip, too! As "Weird Al" Yankovic won the Grammy for "Best Comedy Album", here's the video for "Handy", a parody of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy", which did not win anything. Suck it, Iggy.

Have a great week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Armageddon

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On Superb Owl Sunday, the crew of Here Be Spoilers decided to get together and watch Armageddon, which had been a request from @redtache - one of their listeners in the United Kingdom. A time was set, and snacks were arranged. Everything looked ready to go...And then...

TRAGEDY STRUCK!

Okay, not exactly a "tragedy"...Nobody was in danger of getting all dead or anything like that. It was, however, a serious bummer that Jake could not make it to the viewing/recording due to his job as a guy who is capable of shoveling things. In this case, snow. Lots and lots of snow.

And, as it was too late to try scheduling a guest, Derek and Larry, saddened by Jake's absence, but still in the mood for food and a dumbass movie, braved four-foot drifts and blowing flurries to watch Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck try to make a hole in a rock as dramatically as possible, while floating in space, while Liv Tyler stared meaningfully at things.

And she was cute as a button while she did it!

Meanwhile, Michael Clarke Duncan, Owen Wilson, Will Patton, Ken Campbell, and Steve Buscemi went around being all wacky and silly.

Wack-a-doodles, these guys!

Also, Billy Bob Thornton and Keith David spend a lot of time arguing about whether or not this ragtag group of oil drillers is humanity's last hope, or just a bunch of chunkheads. (Guess which one Derek and Larry picked!)

Derek rages over just how stupid Affleck's character (but, it should be noted, not Affleck himself) manages to be throughout this film. In fact, according to Derek, A.J. is responsible for numerous deaths, as well as the destruction of millions of dollars' worth of high-tech spaceships and drilling equipment.

LEFT TO RIGHT: An idiot and not an idiot (also, Batman)

Larry is concerned about Harry's tendency to fly into fits of destructive anger, as well as his willingness to use that rage to torture other around him. (A.J., the Greenpeace people...)

What are you saying?! That I'm BALD?!

Jake...still wasn't there. But if he was, he probably would have been deeply disturbed by Steve Buscemi's snaggletooth grin and big, moist eyes.

Artist's rendition

Along with all of that, there are also new editions Nerd Rage, Larry's Top Ten Lists, One Thing, The Lobby and Coming Attractions!

So don't just sit there! Download this week's episode! You don't wanna miss a thing!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well! It's been a fun week! And, to top it off, I'm sitting in my apartment, wondering if I'll ever see daylight again.

I just got back from recording this week's Here Be Spoilers over at Larry's place, and there's a tiny little bit of snow on the ground. I did not enjoy the walk.

For reference: This is not my "I am enjoying this weather" face.

Anyway, the Twitter machine was loaded with funny this week, and I just happened to find a pile of ten random funny ones that I thought I would throw at your face. What say we give 'em a look, in no particular order?

I can't believe that someone from Earth has won the last 63 Miss Universe pageants. That's gotta be some kind of record.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) January 26, 2015

Sex is like my Uncle Art. Kinda awkward. Kinda smelly. Riddled with diseases. Not allowed at family functions anymore.

— Fonzie's Evil Twin (@caperbc75) September 26, 2014

Made bat-shaped pancakes this morning. Ingredients: Bisquick. Eggs. RAGE.

— The Batman (@TheBatmanDark) January 29, 2015

Another juggler gives up on their dreams. pic.twitter.com/G94t7X4nUU

— David J Constable (@davidjconstable) January 31, 2015

Says here on your resumè you throw like a girl "Dad please can I just eat my br-" OH NEAT IT ALSO SAYS YOURE A PROFESSIONAL WHINEY PANTS!

— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) January 31, 2015

"THAT'S A LOT OF CORN! WHEN DID I LAST EAT CORN?" -and other things I yell when the person in the stall next to me is making a phone call

— Daniel (@sirmunchie) January 31, 2015

When people @ a popular tweet of mine to say it's hilarious but don't then follow me, it just reminds me: I wrote most of The Wire.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 31, 2015

Dagwood Bumstead is my favorite comic strip character that sounds like a sex move banned in 6 countries.

— Cookie's Eye Candy (@sfreeze6) January 29, 2015

YOU CAN EAT ONLY ONE pic.twitter.com/ldL6W7xuHz

— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) February 1, 2015

Seduction Tip: Show them your privates.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) January 31, 2015

And there you have it! Not a bad haul this week, if you ask me. Also, in making this quite possibly the shortest entry in this series, let me just wish you an awesome (and hopefully mostly snow-free) week and help you kick it off with this awesomely funny clip of an Arizona weatherman whose forecast software developed a glitch and inadvertently doomed hundreds of thousands of people to a fiery death!

He handled it like a boss.

All the best,

Derek and Bosco