February 18, 2015

Anaconda

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Well, it's a mixed bag over at Ugly Couchcast Industries, and the gang at Here Be Spoilers are still reeling from the movie they had to watch this week...Anaconda.

Featuring a cast of people who are now legitimately allowed to call themselves "professional actors" (despite whatever the hell it is they were doing in this thing), Anaconda is a movie about Jennifer Lopez and her attempts to not throw up after seeing and hearing Jon Voight.

Imagine an audio version of this image, but hammier.
There's also a snake, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson's weird penis nose, and Eric Stoltz, whose character was lucky enough to be injured early on, and therefore didn't have to act or anything complicated like that.

But if you're concerned about a lack of scenery consumption, fear not! Mr. Voight takes up the slack -- and then some -- to make sure that no prop or location is left unchewed in the wake of the worst (and possibly most stereotypical and racist) accent ever.
Upon realizing there was no more scenery to chew, Voight turned on the cast and
wordlessly consumed each of them. It's probably in the Director's Cut.
As they travel down the Amazon to find the lost Shitty Shoeshine(?) tribe, they instead find a big honkin' CGI snake that wants to kill them all in the most ridiculous ways possible. The guys were, of course, rooting for the snake.

Jake, who chose this movie, finds the excessive use of dutch angles (tilted camera shots) to be extremely irritating, as well as the huge number of questions left unanswered. He does, however, think that the ending was appropriate, going so far as to quote Roger fucking Corman to justify it.

"The guy who did Death Race 2000?!"
Larry takes great exception to the fact that the snake, which cost $100,000-per-second to create, would have looked more realistic if it had just been animated by the animators who used to do the old-timey Mickey Mouse cartoons.

These guys were also confused by that.
Derek was so upset and angry about Jon Voight's choice of accent that he really can't talk about much else. Seriously...It's that bad. Just...just don't even...

Along the way, the guys have some news in The Lobby, they see what's Coming Soon, discuss One Thing (sort of), talk about Jake's As-Yet-Unnamed Segment, and introduce a new segment: The Cinematic Six!

So slither your way here, unhinge your jaw, and listen to this week's Here Be Spoilers!