Demolition Man

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

Well, it took them almost a month, what with work schedules and health issues and whatnot, but the guys finally sat down to watch Demolition Man! And holy monkey, what a ride that was!

It's the futuristic world of 1996. Los Angeles is in chaos. Drug dealers and gangs rule the land.And Sylvester Stallone is John Spartan, a sentient and barely articulate hunk of buttsteak with a badge, a beret, and an unhealthy obsession with a Simon Phoenix, a drug dealer with a stunningly upsetting sense of fashion. Like, dangerously obsessive. So much so that, in an attempt to capture Phoenix, Spartan lets himself get framed for killing a busload of people and ends up being put in a deep freeze.

But not before a quick injection of steroids. A LOT of steroids.

Jumping ahead thirty-some years, we find that Simon Phoenix has escaped from the cryo-prison and started killing people all willy-nilly. The police of what is now called San Angeles are completely and utterly unable to deal with criminals that do, you know, violence.

They also dress like Nazi SS officers.

Officer Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock), who has what is deemed an unhealthy obsession with the late 20th century, suggests thawing out Spartan to catch Phoenix, being as he already did that one other time. And, if he has enough time, maybe he could stop the underground raiders from stealing all the food from Taco Bell, the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars. (Yes. That's a thing that is supposed to have/will have happened.)

The San Angeles PD Special Team, "The Unfuckables", celebrate the
capture of the dreaded Hamburglar.

Oh, by the way...Huxley totally wants to bone Spartan, and vice versa. When they get down to business, Spartan has a tiny freak-out. It's implied that it's because of the method used for sex.

Look at 'em go! (This may or may not be an animated .gif.)

Derek thinks Spartan's freak-out is due to the fact that Lenina Huxley is his freakin' daughter. All the clues are there: Her love of the late 20th century (when she would have been born), her penchant for violence, the fact that she's not too bright...Solid proof, in Derek's eyes, that Spartan is trying to have sex with his own daughter. Gross.

Jake can't help but notice that the so-called "hero" of this film consistently gets his ass handed to him by Phoenix. Seriously...This muscle-bound chunkhead, who is supposed to be such a badass, regularly gets the ever-loving shit kicked out of him. At one point, Phoenix even hits him in the face with a television!

Larry is completely and utterly confused by the three seashells that have replaced toilet paper in the future. After having it explained to him in way more detail than anyone should ever want to hear, he is then disgusted, but still confused.

So grab this podcast, and join in the confusion and mild nausea of Demolition Man!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! Happy Memorial Day! Today is, of course, the day when everyone overcooks food on the grill, attends parades, gets incredibly drunk, and, depending on the weather in your area, possibly gets very badly sunburned.

It should be noted that the original purpose of Memorial Day was, in fact, to memorialize those who died while trying to maintain what freedoms we do have. (Including the aforementioned outdoor food and flesh burning, parading, and drunk-being.) So take a few minutes to think about that before you get to doing stupid things, will you?

It is also May 25th (in case you didn't happen to notice), which is Towel Day! As has been remarked numerous times, towels are incredibly useful. Here, let me quote the late, great Douglas Adams on the subject:

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels.

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value — you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble‐sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand‐to‐hand‐combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you — daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: nonhitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might have accidentally "lost.". What the strag will think is that any man that can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

Hence a phrase that has passed into hitchhiking slang, as in "Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is." (Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)

So, with that in mind, you should probably check your towel and make sure you keep this checklist handy...just in case:

Stick it to your fridge or something...

You should also maybe go over to Twitter and follow the hilarious people I have included on this list, as well as any others you might get a laugh from. It's pure awesome good times over there.

Now let's get to the tweets, ya sons-of-bitches! In no particular order...

I wonder what it'd be like to see an album of all the photos you're unknowingly in the background of.

— Zapp Brannigan (@zappbra) May 18, 2015

This meeting of the Rash Decision Club will not come to order. You're all kicked out, and I'm joining a cult.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) May 18, 2015

It's weird to watch #TheBachelorette on the west coast because the east coast gets to know how terrible humanity is three hours ahead of us.

— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) May 19, 2015

It's really sad how at the end of Parent Trap each of the parents is stuck with two Lindsay Lohans again.

— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) May 18, 2015

Friday was productive. pic.twitter.com/AYNtKYzuJy

— Bear Arsed (@mellowbear4) May 15, 2015

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

— Tony (@Tmoney68) February 6, 2015

WHY DO PEOPLE ON TV HOLD PREGNANCY TESTS LIKE THERE ISN'T PEE ON THEM?

— Jes (@JesKeepSwimming) May 17, 2015

LION KING PLOT HOLE: LIONS CAN'T TALK

— Robot Eats Ice Cream (@MichaelLarrick) April 27, 2015

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

— nige [ham] (@koalaslament) April 21, 2015

Are you #BeachBodyReady? pic.twitter.com/wPh1n66yGU

— GuyP (@GuyP) April 23, 2015

And there you have it! Now get your butts out there and have a great week! And to start you off in that direction, check out this new Bad Lip Reading Clip: Redneck Avengers: Tulsa!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Oh! Hello...I didn't see you there. Glad to see you came by to see if I posted some of the funny Twitter people I ran across last week, because I did. What are the odds?

No, you totally did.

So what say we get right to 'em, shall we? In no particular order...

Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge

— Yngwie Momjeans (@afbradstone) March 11, 2015

I didn't choose the thug life. I chose the vegan lasagna. Let me speak to your manager.

— Drhappyknuckles (@drhappyknuckles) March 29, 2015

If I had a third arm, I'd constantly be giving people 2 thumbs up, leaving them wondering what they have to do for the third.

— Chris J. Randolph (@Spectre_7) May 11, 2015

Just watched the first episode of Battlestar Galactica (1978) My review: Rick Springfield blew up ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

— o r a l (@FuckTyping) May 12, 2015

when ur ex is like "ur spendin a lotta time with those wombats, huh" & ur like "cuz those wombats let me be me, Gary" pic.twitter.com/NvFqFdV5xY

— Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) May 13, 2015

Indiana Jones's hand hovers over a dazzling array of jewelled chalices before he takes what is surely the true Grail, a simple Dilbert mug

— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) May 6, 2015

dog: i saw u out there me: what? dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog me: i was just– dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) January 30, 2015

You ever tried talking to people? I know. Right? What's their problem?

— Dumb as I look (@not1ofyourfans) May 15, 2015

"If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-" SHE THOUGHT GANDALF & DUMBLEDORE WERE THE SAME PERSON *priest vomits*

— ㅤㅤㅤ (@matt___nelson) December 21, 2014

I got my hands on a copy of the Mad Max script. This movie seems intense pic.twitter.com/p0MDpDW4bP

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) May 15, 2015

And there you have it! If you dig the stuff I posted, maybe go on over there and follow them...And if you didn't...

And it's wrong. So wrong.

...but if you still feel that way, go over there anyway, and find your own funny people, why don't you?

Anyway, have an awesome week. And to start it off, here's a little clip from the fine folks over at Wits, a podcast I highly recommend, featuring Neil Gaiman and My Brightest Diamond:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Avengers: Age of Ultron

To download, right-click here and choose "Save file as..."

Welcome to the most heavily-medicated episode of Here Be Spoilers yet! Derek was sick this past weekend, and Larry was taking something for his dizziness issues, so Jake pretty much took control of the episode, which was just as well because of his extensive knowledge of the Marvel Universe.

Now, as the title implies, there are a LOT of spoilers in this episode, so if you haven't seen Avengers: Age of Ultron yet, you might want to only listen to the first half of the show, because that is spent bringing everything up to speed and covering what led up to this particular movie. It's really detailed.

This happens...But, like, a LOT.

But for the second half of the show, the guys cover the movie pretty extensively. (Or, at least, as extensively as they could with Derek's sinus medicine-induced hallucinations and Larry's sporadic consciousness.) Storylines are discussed! Scenes are described! Confused questions are asked and answered!

Larry is finally caught up on all the Marvel flicks, and he's way more excited than he was during the previous episode. He also declares his undying love for Thor. Probably because of his long, flowing locks.

Derek is covered in a thick layer of mucus for this episode, but he managed to fight his way through it here and there to offer up opinions about Black Widow, Hulk, and Ultron's weird mouth. It's really upsetting.

Jake manages to hold it all together like a champ, keeping the whole thing on track, despite his co-hosts' loopiness.

There's also Coming Soon and Larry's List! (The other stuff wasn't ready in time because this was a short notice sorta thing, but that's okay.)

So grab this week's thrilling episode!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Sorry the list is late (yes, again...), but I have a legitimate reason: yesterday was both Mother's Day (which I hope all you moms out there enjoyed thoroughly), as well as my own personal birthday. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, I was busy doing serious things and being all adult-y and stuff with my friends.

NOTE: It was nowhere near this mature.

Actually, I had to work. But it was okay. I got out at 6:00, and then Jake, Larry and myself went to see Avengers: Age of Ultron. Then we came back to my house and recorded a podcast about it. That will be up Wednesday. I'll warn you all ahead of time, though, that there will be a lot of spoilers. (That's kind of implied, being as the show is called Here Be Spoilers, but we thought we might give an extra heads-up so as not to ruin it for those of you who have yet to see it.)

Anyway, then I fell asleep almost immediately, so I wasn't able to post the list.

But now I'm here, and so are you, and everybody wins. So have some tweets from some incredibly funny people on Twitter, won't you? And if you dig them, maybe get on the Twitter machine and follow the ever-loving heck out of them!

[Holding hospital gown closed & trying not to spill a cup of pee] "Yes you CAN help! This is BS! I said xtra mayo! I need to be somewhere!"

— Juice (@Juicedballs) January 31, 2015

My daughter and I have the same voice. I've been talking to her boyfriend for a half an hour. Nice boy. Who is Dirty Sanchez?

— Vesta Tot (@VestaTot) May 4, 2015

People who are against cockfighting have just never experienced the deep satisfaction of punching a chicken right in its stupid face.

— Los Goats (@hazelmotes1) May 4, 2015

"Taco Tuesday only falls on Cinco de Mayo every 6,000 years,” I tell the nervous kid making my Chipotle order. “Don’t fuck this up."

— Adam (@MassageByTed) May 5, 2015

Has science gone too far? pic.twitter.com/MnFaptEP5o

— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) April 28, 2015

In olden days, horny ladies purposely drop their booger hanky, men pick it up and then they'd marry at 16 and have clitoris-ignoring sex

— Marlo (@MarloMeekins) May 7, 2015

I was speed reading a Dr Seuss book in a high pitched voice and accidentally made a Nicki Minaj song.

— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) December 11, 2014

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register

— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) May 7, 2015

“You know what your trouble is?” says the toilet. “Compulsive ventriloquism.” “Not true!” say my boots. “She can stop any time she wants.”

— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) May 9, 2015

To battle, Puff Puff, and to glory! pic.twitter.com/JkFDqDZS3R

— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) May 8, 2015

And there you have it! So have a great week, why don't you. To start it off right, let's have a look at another Star Wars fan film that's pretty well-known: A Cops parody called Troops:

All the best,

Derek and Bosco

UPDATE: Why There Was No Show This Week (And Probably Next Week)

Hi, guys.

Just wanted to give you all a heads-up about why there wasn't a new show posted this week.

Turns out that my job, such as it is, isn't nearly as consistent, schedule-wise, as I might hope. Although it's usually pretty straightforward, there is the occasional hiccup that causes us to miss being able to record the show. Last weekend, as best as I can tell, there really was no good reason to change it around. It just happened, which was irritating not only for me, but also for Jake and Larry. It's the one thing that all three of us really look forward to at the end of the week. However, as we all have pretty disparate schedules, that really is the only time we can do it. Larry and Jake both work Monday through Friday (although Larry sometimes has to work the weekends, and Jake is occasionally on-call for his). I, on the other hand, usually work Wednesday to Sunday. Larry and I work afternoons, and Jake works days. It's really difficult to get all three of us together and in front of microphones at the same time.

And that's why we didn't do a show last week.

Unfortunately, it looks like the same thing is happening this week, as well, which sucks double for me because my birthday also happens to fall on this coming Sunday. The plan was for us to go see Avengers: Age of Ultron and then come back to my house to talk about it. Needless to say, that's not happening, because I'm working from noon to 9:00 PM, and even if we made it to the movie, we would never be able to record a show because Jake has to get up Monday at 5:00 AM for his job, and he kinda likes to sleep from time to time.

So, the bottom line is, we are stuck without a way to do the show for a couple of weeks. But we will be back. I'll keep complaining to my boss until my schedule gets put back to normal, and then we can get back to putting together this little show of ours for the ten or twelve of you who enjoy listening to three middle-aged dudes make fun of movies.

Thanks for being patient.

All the best,
Derek

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Another week has come and gone, and we find ourselves crawling out from beneath a Monday that wants to smother us with the start of a new workweek.

And don't forget to file your TPS reports, mmmkay?

So what do we do? Well, myself, I plan to just keep my head down and forge ahead until the weekend, because th' hell else you gonna do?

Until then, however, I will keep myself entertained by the incredibly hilarious folks on Twitter, because they're funny and weirder (in a good way) than the people I work with. And nothing makes me happier than to share their awesome humor with you, gentle reader, so that maybe your own day gets a little less grindstone-y.

But before we do that, let me take a minute to wish a Happy Star Wars Day to all of you!

They're so cute when they're young!

Just be sure not to overdo it, because tomorrow is Cinco De Mayo!

Memories...Sobriety...A Jedi craves not these things...

Anyway, here are this week's tweets, in no particular order...

There are 8 people in this movie theatre and you choose to sit directly in front of me NO, I WONT GET MY FEET OFF YOUR HEAD Want a jujube?

— ✴ Just Jane ✴ (@jdforshort) April 23, 2015

If you stick a sleeping friend's hand in a bowl of waffle batter his mattress soon after produces a litter of charming throw pillows.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) April 26, 2015

My husband is so particular about his business dinners. Be ready at 4. Dress nice. Don't mention your vagina. Blah, blah, blah.

— Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 6, 2014

HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR... Me- a house landed on your sister

— laralara (@killazilla) July 18, 2014

Hi, I'm Lando Calrissian. What's that? My casual pose shows off my #AppleWatch? I guess it does. I guess it does. pic.twitter.com/T3bfsXtdnC

— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) May 2, 2015

Getting mauled by a gummy bear would be adorable.

— Lisabug BBQJones (@Lisabug74) April 24, 2015

The only thing that scares me about Alzheimer's is forgetting about Dre.

— Will Hinsa (@WillHinsa) April 19, 2015

Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

— K. Wid (@WorldofWid) February 13, 2015

my favorite thing about wearing shorts is making others feel a lot better about how they look in shorts

— James (@JPwhatever) April 29, 2015

Saw this on Reddit as a defense of the oxford comma. It is now my favorite piece of writing. pic.twitter.com/eubsyiteUh

— Marlena Bittner (@lenabitts) May 1, 2015

And there you have it! Next, before we go to the video, I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that there will not be a new episode of Here Be Spoilers this week because of scheduling issues. Next week, however, we'll be pre-empting the next planned episode (Demolition Man), so we can bring you our take on the new Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. So be ready!

But first, in celebration of Star Wars Day, let's take a look at the original classic parody, Hardware Wars...

Have an awesome week!

All the best,

Derek and Bosco