Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Sorry the list is late (yes, again...), but I have a legitimate reason: yesterday was both Mother's Day (which I hope all you moms out there enjoyed thoroughly), as well as my own personal birthday. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, I was busy doing serious things and being all adult-y and stuff with my friends.

NOTE: It was nowhere near this mature.

Actually, I had to work. But it was okay. I got out at 6:00, and then Jake, Larry and myself went to see Avengers: Age of Ultron. Then we came back to my house and recorded a podcast about it. That will be up Wednesday. I'll warn you all ahead of time, though, that there will be a lot of spoilers. (That's kind of implied, being as the show is called Here Be Spoilers, but we thought we might give an extra heads-up so as not to ruin it for those of you who have yet to see it.)

Anyway, then I fell asleep almost immediately, so I wasn't able to post the list.

But now I'm here, and so are you, and everybody wins. So have some tweets from some incredibly funny people on Twitter, won't you? And if you dig them, maybe get on the Twitter machine and follow the ever-loving heck out of them!

[Holding hospital gown closed & trying not to spill a cup of pee] "Yes you CAN help! This is BS! I said xtra mayo! I need to be somewhere!"

— Juice (@Juicedballs) January 31, 2015

My daughter and I have the same voice. I've been talking to her boyfriend for a half an hour. Nice boy. Who is Dirty Sanchez?

— Vesta Tot (@VestaTot) May 4, 2015

People who are against cockfighting have just never experienced the deep satisfaction of punching a chicken right in its stupid face.

— Los Goats (@hazelmotes1) May 4, 2015

"Taco Tuesday only falls on Cinco de Mayo every 6,000 years,” I tell the nervous kid making my Chipotle order. “Don’t fuck this up."

— Adam (@MassageByTed) May 5, 2015

Has science gone too far? pic.twitter.com/MnFaptEP5o

— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) April 28, 2015

In olden days, horny ladies purposely drop their booger hanky, men pick it up and then they'd marry at 16 and have clitoris-ignoring sex

— Marlo (@MarloMeekins) May 7, 2015

I was speed reading a Dr Seuss book in a high pitched voice and accidentally made a Nicki Minaj song.

— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) December 11, 2014

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register

— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) May 7, 2015

“You know what your trouble is?” says the toilet. “Compulsive ventriloquism.” “Not true!” say my boots. “She can stop any time she wants.”

— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) May 9, 2015

To battle, Puff Puff, and to glory! pic.twitter.com/JkFDqDZS3R

— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) May 8, 2015

And there you have it! So have a great week, why don't you. To start it off right, let's have a look at another Star Wars fan film that's pretty well-known: A Cops parody called Troops:

All the best,

Derek and Bosco