May 27, 2015

Demolition Man

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Well, it took them almost a month, what with work schedules and health issues and whatnot, but the guys finally sat down to watch Demolition Man! And holy monkey, what a ride that was!

It's the futuristic world of 1996. Los Angeles is in chaos. Drug dealers and gangs rule the land.And Sylvester Stallone is John Spartan, a sentient and barely articulate hunk of buttsteak with a badge, a beret, and an unhealthy obsession with a Simon Phoenix, a drug dealer with a stunningly upsetting sense of fashion. Like, dangerously obsessive. So much so that, in an attempt to capture Phoenix, Spartan lets himself get framed for killing a busload of people and ends up being put in a deep freeze.

But not before a quick injection of steroids. A LOT of steroids.
Jumping ahead thirty-some years, we find that Simon Phoenix has escaped from the cryo-prison and started killing people all willy-nilly. The police of what is now called San Angeles are completely and utterly unable to deal with criminals that do, you know, violence.

They also dress like Nazi SS officers.
Officer Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock), who has what is deemed an unhealthy obsession with the late 20th century, suggests thawing out Spartan to catch Phoenix, being as he already did that one other time. And, if he has enough time, maybe he could stop the underground raiders from stealing all the food from Taco Bell, the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars. (Yes. That's a thing that is supposed to have/will have happened.)

The San Angeles PD Special Team, "The Unfuckables", celebrate the
capture of the dreaded Hamburglar.
Oh, by the way...Huxley totally wants to bone Spartan, and vice versa. When they get down to business, Spartan has a tiny freak-out. It's implied that it's because of the method used for sex.

Look at 'em go! (This may or may not be an animated .gif.)
Derek thinks Spartan's freak-out is due to the fact that Lenina Huxley is his freakin' daughter. All the clues are there: Her love of the late 20th century (when she would have been born), her penchant for violence, the fact that she's not too bright...Solid proof, in Derek's eyes, that Spartan is trying to have sex with his own daughter. Gross.

Jake can't help but notice that the so-called "hero" of this film consistently gets his ass handed to him by Phoenix. Seriously...This muscle-bound chunkhead, who is supposed to be such a badass, regularly gets the ever-loving shit kicked out of him. At one point, Phoenix even hits him in the face with a television!

Larry is completely and utterly confused by the three seashells that have replaced toilet paper in the future. After having it explained to him in way more detail than anyone should ever want to hear, he is then disgusted, but still confused.

So grab this podcast, and join in the confusion and mild nausea of Demolition Man!