May 25, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! Happy Memorial Day! Today is, of course, the day when everyone overcooks food on the grill, attends parades, gets incredibly drunk, and, depending on the weather in your area, possibly gets very badly sunburned.

It should be noted that the original purpose of Memorial Day was, in fact, to memorialize those who died while trying to maintain what freedoms we do have. (Including the aforementioned outdoor food and flesh burning, parading, and drunk-being.) So take a few minutes to think about that before you get to doing stupid things, will you?

It is also May 25th (in case you didn't happen to notice), which is Towel Day! As has been remarked numerous times, towels are incredibly useful. Here, let me quote the late, great Douglas Adams on the subject:
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value — you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble‐sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand‐to‐hand‐combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you — daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: nonhitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might have accidentally "lost.". What the strag will think is that any man that can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
Hence a phrase that has passed into hitchhiking slang, as in "Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is." (Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)
So, with that in mind, you should probably check your towel and make sure you keep this checklist handy...just in case:
Stick it to your fridge or something...
You should also maybe go over to Twitter and follow the hilarious people I have included on this list, as well as any others you might get a laugh from. It's pure awesome good times over there.

Now let's get to the tweets, ya sons-of-bitches! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get your butts out there and have a great week! And to start you off in that direction, check out this new Bad Lip Reading Clip: Redneck Avengers: Tulsa!


All the best,
Derek and Bosco