Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

I know, I know...The list is late AGAIN. But I have a legitimate excuse this time. Ya see, Bosco got himself hurt pretty bad last night, and I was busy being freaked-out and terrified. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, he is very lucky. I do not think, however, he would agree with me, because now he has to wear a Cone of Shame to make sure he doesn't make his injury worse. I've tried to comfort him by telling him he will now have a bitchen scar to impress the ladies with, but he's still pouting.

Anyway, aside from my dog's adventures, this has been one messed-up week. Arianna Grande licked donuts at a donut shop and claimed she hated America, only to back off the hating part and blame the rest on the fact that childhood obesity is a bad thing here in the U.S. (Not sure how licking donuts that did not belong to obese children helped, but I'm no celebrity.)

Donald Trump stuffed his foot even further down his throat this week. After last week's debacle of claiming Mexico was sending nothing its worst criminals over the border, he doubled-down on the comments, pissing off one of Mexico's biggest drug kingpins, who promptly escaped from jail. Trump stated he wasn't scared and would "kick El Chapo's ass". Maybe he'll do it on pay-per-view to raise money for charities or something.

Anyway, this week, Trump said that he didn't consider Senator (and former Republican presidential candidate) John McCain a war hero because he was caught.

Think about that: Trump, who avoided any sort of time in the military during the Vietnam War due to deferments, said that McCain, a decorated veteran who had been shot down, captured, and fucking tortured...is not a war hero.

Will the real Donald Trump please stand up?

On a semi-related note, we here at Ugly Couchcast Industries do not have any legitimate sponsors, but if the guy who created the Donald Trump Butt Plug wants a little exposure, we'd be happy to feature it on one of the podcasts. The argument over who is going to have to do the product testing will be worth the investment alone. I get opt out, because I'm the one who owns the camera and will have to take the demonstration photos, and trust me when I tell you that I will be almost as uncomfortable as the demonstrator. Almost.

Anyway, over on Twitter, people were, as always, funny as heck! So let's see what they had to say. And, as always, if you dig 'em, follow 'em. They're great!

In no particular order...

Star Wars: End of the Jedi Luke Skywalker's son does not have The Force in him so he battles with the power of Rap. He dies pretty quickly.

— Meh Man (@TheAlexNevil) July 11, 2015

if you look at a Viagra pill under a microscope it's actually thousands of tiny little blu ray copies of Road House

— nige [ham] (@koalaslament) July 4, 2015

The President of Nintendo passed away today, but they should blow on him a few times to make sure he's dead.

— retrocrush (@retrocrush) July 13, 2015

Changed Siri to a male voice and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

— The Blonde One (@MichelleDBlonde) July 12, 2015

I will never forget how a friend described meeting Kid Rock: "He smells like he looks."

— Ken Lowery (@kenlowery) July 14, 2015

I just saw a guy wearing a bluetooth headset, fedora while puffing on a vape pen. I also heard the pussy tsunami alarms going off.

— Sir Doucheurtwat (@HelmdawgE) July 14, 2015

Sometimes I look at the state of my life and say, "Go get help, boy," to my pet rock before weaving another spaghetti blanket.

— Smoochie (@TySmithdrums) May 17, 2015

If I were a mobster, I'd be the kind of mobster who always stays hydrated.

— Enlightenment Fundy (@EnlightFundy) July 15, 2015

SON: Daddy, am I fat? DAD: [buttering doorframe son is wedged between] You? No, no- DOORFRAME: [now glisteningly delicious] he licked me...

— Nixonian (@Jeff_G_Nixon) July 16, 2015

If Erectile Dysfunction were to make a noise, it would be that of a middle school oboe player.

— Jim...Unmasked (@ItMightBeJimbo) July 17, 2015

And there you have it! So here's to a better week than last week. If we continue to improve each week, we should reach the "Best Week Even Horizon" within the next five years, and then we'll all convert to pure energy and become sentient. Neat-o! And to help the process along, here's another funny clip from the folks at Wits, featuring two of the characters from Thrilling Adventure Hour:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco