November 11, 2015

Robot Monster

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If you're going to come back after watching a bunch of zombie movies, this one is an excellent palate cleanser.

This week, the guys watched 1953's Robot Monster, a movie that has been awarded the title of Worst Movie Ever numerous times. And with good reason!

Clearly, however, not because of the special effects.
This movie stars nobody and features nothing very much. Except walking. There is a lot of walking in this movie, most of which is done by the hero (we think he is, anyway), Ro-man.

The story, such as it is, involves a family of five people, and a scientist friend, who are, according to Ro-man's boss, the only ones left on the planet that have not been destroyed by the Ro-men's (or Ro-mans', depending on where you are in the movie) "calcinator ray".

"Out of the way, hu-man! I shall teach the female my people's forbidden dance!"
This is because the father in this family (known only as "The Professor") invented a serum that cures everything, including, it would seem, disintegration by dudes in gorilla suits and diving helmets. It also makes them impossible to track down, so the whole thing is basically reduced to Ro-man and the family making prank phone calls to each other, with the occasional interruption from Ro-man's boss, who is, himself, kind of a dick, constantly calling Ro-man while he's trying to make some time with Alice, the family's oldest daughter, and BDSM enthusiast.

When Ro-man captures Alice and takes her to his cave/sex dungeon, the rest of the family decide to go rescue her. It goes about as well as you might expect. Before they can make a plan, Roy (the assistant scientist guy) gets thrown down a hill where he's knocked unconscious. Then, while Ro-man wanders the land (possibly because he can't remember where he left his cave), he runs across one of the kids and strangles him/her to death. (More on this right after the picture.)

Please note: This looks like Johnny, the source of all the trouble, being strangled.
(As it should be. We all wanted this.)
(A side note from Derek: I thought I noticed this when we watched the movie, but I was not sure until I saw the still photo above; that is clearly little Johnny being choked-out by Ro-man. However, in the movie, when the parents find the body, it is identified as Carla, Johnny's sister. Th' hell, movie?)

Lots of stupid stuff happens, including not one, but two (maybe) twist endings!

Derek unabashedly loves this movie, despite its many, many flaws. No matter. He believes it to be a wonderful bit of goofy fluff that's fun to sit and watch.

Larry feels bad for Ro-man, who spends more time walking around Griffith Park than the entire cast of all three Lord of the Rings movies did through all of Middle Earth in that trilogy. And he did it in a gorilla suit and diving helmet! Poor Ro-man...

Jake believes that Johnny is a psychopath, and he presents his argument in a very convincing manner. It's pretty obvious that there is something wrong with this kid, but only Jake was able to articulate what it was.

There's also news in The Lobby, the first holiday movie of the year in Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, a conversation about humorist Jean Shepherd, and information about this year's Holiday Movepalooza!

So tune in and the hu-man!