Still, enjoy the review! -- Derek
Every so often, while strolling through the aisles of the local video store, the unsuspecting consumer will spot something out of the corner of his eye that almost shouts, "LOOK AT ME!!! I'M WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!!!"
|"Oh, yeah...That's the stuff!"|
Altered Species (packaged this time around as Rodentz) is just such a film. So loathsome were its main characters that I found myself hoping, almost praying, that these brick-stupid chunkheads would fall victim to the leader of the rats - a six-foot critter that looks like a guy in a bear suit that has seen better days. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Altered Species stars no one and features little more. Its lead actors - okay, its only actors - all look vaguely familiar, but you can't place the faces. If I had to guess, I would say that at least one of them has asked me, personally, if I "want fries with that."
|Do not ask any of these people for the special sauce.|
During Walter's initial scenes, we get a taste of the back story, and it seems that clumsy Walter accidentally lets a crate full of lab rats loose in the building's basement. These rats, in turn, have been drinking from the experimental formula that they had previously been injected with.
|Believe it or not, this bubbly young lady is one of the stars.|
Despite her best efforts, she is not Hillary Swank.
Of course, with any horror film that feels it is worth its weight in celluloid, there is an obligatory nude scene, but it is played in such a way that the viewer isn't even given any gratification on that front, either. The girl is a sleazy tramp, and the guy is dumber than a box of hair. It was like watching Sylvester Stallone during his pre-Rocky, Death Race 2000 days, trying to get lucky with one of Calvin Klein's anorexic, heroine-addicted underwear models. Fortunately, the girl stops the greasy butt-steak from violating her long enough to ask if he has a condom. He doesn't, and a trip to the van downstairs is required. While the big, dumb lump rifles through the glove box, his beloved skank is having her face eaten by the above-mentioned six-foot rat.
|The true hero of this film, ladies and gentlemen.|
All the best,
Derek and Bosco