February 29, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, guys! I hope all of you got your Oscar fix yesterday, because I have zero intention of mentioning anything about it, other than to congratulate Leo DiCaprio for finally getting himself an Academy Award. It's about damn time!

Instead, I've chosen to put awkward animations of Ewoks doing stuff. For instance:

Hot Ewok-On-Human action!
There were also a number of GOP and Democratic caucuses and Super Tuesday pre-gaming and I don't know what all, and I cannot possibly bring myself to talk about any of it anymore. Go look it up, if you want.

Two things I will talk about, though, are: Trump's refusal to shoot down endorsements from the Ku Klux Klan and one of their "former" members, David Duke; and Trump refusing to release his tax returns because, according to him, he can't because he's being audited.

First off, I think it's safe to say that the KKK is a dangerous, racist hate group. David Duke is a former Grand Wizard and (surprise!) a Republican. And he likes the cut of Trump's jib, so he endorsed him. As did the Klan itself (or a branch of it). When asked whether he disavowed these endorsements, Trump said that he'd have to "do a little research" before he answers.

What?!

Dude, let me do the work for you:

David Duke in the KKK and other racist organizations

Also, in case you're not up to speed on what the KKK does, here's this:

Do you really need to read this? THEY. ARE. A. HATE. GROUP.

There. Now man up and either admit you're a racist who is pandering to the basest hatred of other racists, or deny the endorsements. You're welcome. Dick.

It's that simple.
Anyway, I don't know about all of you, but there was a ridiculous amount of snow dropped on me here in Michigan last week, and I hated all of it. And then, three days later, it was almost 60 degrees out. And now, a day later, I'm sitting here and waiting for another four-to-six inches of it to fall again.

Good lord and butter, I hate snow. And groundhogs. That one in Pennsylvania is on the top of my "Animals I Want to Punch" list now. You're days are numbered, Phil...

Ewok-based artist rendering of the above-described event.
And, of course, there was Twitter...The people there never cease to amaze and amuse me with the constant jokes. They're awesome. Don't believe me? Go there and find out for yourself. You will not regret it.

Let me give you a few examples, in no particular order...


See? I told you! Now get out there and stare the rest of the work in its rheumy, hateful eye.

Y'all gon' make me nyub my nyub! Up in here, up in here!
But before you do that, stare at this clip from The Kids in the Hall, won't you?


Oh, and watch the interview after. Good stuff!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Imagine this is me and Bosco. Feel free to guess which is which.
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February 24, 2016

Twister

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As we should all know by now, every summer brings out the biggest, most expensively-made dumbass movies to ever grace the silver screen. Some would argue that Star Wars started the "Summer Blockbuster Boom", and that seems reasonable. But in the summer of 1996, the level of dumbassery hit new heights with the movie the guys watched this week.

First, it should be noted that Jake was not able to make it to the recording because he is currently down for the count with a nasty flu bug that's been going around. That's why this week's movie isn't the one that was promised at the end of the last episode. But the point is, get better, Jake, and we hope to see you next weekend!

But enough of that! This week's movie was the huge hit of that summer, Twister, starring Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, Carey Elwes, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Cameron from Ferris Beuller's Day Off, the wimpy Corporal Upham from Saving Private Ryan, and what appears to be a post-op Harry Potter.

This wizard chose not to have a wand...
So what does one do with a phenomenal cast like this? Well, we don't know about you, but director Jan de Bont chose to eschew meaningful dialog, choosing instead to make these people run around screaming "Come ON! GO! Let's go! Look out!" a lot. But first, let's crack open the plot--such as it is--and get out hands into its guts.

Please tell us that's just a metaphor...
Bill (Paxton) and Joe (Helen Hunt) are separated, and about to be divorced, as soon as Bill can find Joe and her team of tornado chasers out in an empty field, where they are keeping an eye on the weather and listening to Eric Clapton and Mark Knopfler songs.

When Bill does find the team, he immediately dumps his fiancee, Melissa (Jamie Gertz), on one of the creepiest people there, who begins talking about what he does in the most obscene-sounding way possible.

SHOW US YOUR SUCK ZONE!
Joe seems kind of disinterested in letting Bill off the hook too easily, and manages to suck Bill and Melissa (she's a reproductive therapist who spends a good portion of her screen time talking to patients about penises and fertility) into the team again when she tells them that the team has built Bill's dream machine: an instrument pack designed to be put into a tornado that will give them incredible amounts of data, thus allowing them to improve early warning systems and, hopefully, save more lives. This is very noble of them, and, in case the viewer is not aware just how noble it is, the film craps out a villain named Jonas (Elwes) who, as best as the guys can tell, is only evil because he enjoys being paid to chase tornados.

And for that, naturally, he must be destroyed.
Melissa is quickly shoved to the wayside, being used more for comedy relief than anything else. Bill and Joe begin acting as though neither of them had gone through what initially appeared to be a pretty ugly separation, and everybody else on the team appears either too high or too stupid to care who ends up with whom.

But, hey...Them CGI tornadoes is pretty bitchen, ain't they? And, of course, there's the trailer bait that everybody remembers, even if they cannot recall a single other frame from this movie:

The best acting in the movie.
Homes are destroyed, people are killed, others are saved, shit goes flying everywhere, and we, the viewers, are left feeling that we missed something and can't figure out what it was. And then we put in a Batman movie and forget all about it.

Derek is deeply upset at how poorly Jamie Gertz is treated in this film. She's a talented actor, and was relegated to comic relief and ignored fiancee. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton had all the dialog, really, and she was left to mug at the camera and be scared and goofy.

Where's the quiet dignity of her performance as a 15-year-old hooker in Crossroads?
Larry is also bothered by the fact that, with such a great cast, more wasn't done with them. WHY?! Also, the opening flashback scene irritates him due to its incredibly inaccurate references to things that didn't even exist at the time. It's delightfully nerdy rage and shows some insight into who he is.

Jake was still not there, so he has nothing to contribute to this right now. Next week, however, he will be made to read a scene from the film as Jesse Ventura, while Derek performs as Hulk Hogan, and Larry as Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Stay tuned for it!

There's also a much too long discussion about why Derek believes Rabbit actually is Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a few news stories in The Lobby, some new flicks Coming Soon, a very surprising Larry's List, a vaguely disgusting few moments of Jake-ing Off, and an Inside My Head segment that starts out as one thing, but turns into something entirely different.

So take cover! Come on! Move! Let's go! And listen to this week's F5 of an episode!
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February 23, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! Sorry this week's list is a day late, but stuff happened, so I wasn't able to put it together until today. Still, better late than never, right?

Anyway, last Sunday was Valentine's Day, and everybody spent money on candy and flowers and dinners and all sorts of other crap to try and impress the one they love/care for/tolerate long enough to get naked with, and it was all gross and smoochy, as usual.

Of course, not everybody had this opinion.


But really, you can't please everybody.


EXCEPT WITH EXPLODING FOOD!

A McDonald's cheeseburger detonates too early.
There were also a bunch of caucuses and other crap about people who want to be president, but I really just don't feel like talking about it. I just want to get a nice, cold drink and relax.

GAH!
Anyway, on the downside, an Uber driver in Kalamazoo, Michigan, decided to kill time between rides by driving around town and shooting random people. What an asshole. He was arrested, admitted to being involved, and refuses to say anything else about it. I hope they hang him by his thumbs until they fall off...

This looks strangely mechanical, and it concerns me...
And over on Twitter, people were funny. I might even go so far as to say they were darn funny. (Pardon my French.) So I pulled a few tweets to throw in your face and maybe convince you to come on over and join us! Here: have a look for yourself...


And there you have it! Pretty awesome, if you ask me. And, as you've come to my page to read them, I think we can all assume that you are asking me.

It'd be a shame if you didn't agree and somethin' happened to your Hot Pocket...

Now get out there and have an awesome rest of the week. And to help it along, here's a music video I did a few years back for my band at the time, Gypsy Moth. I animated the whole thing myself. Enjoy!


All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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February 15, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

What a week. And before I get started making with the funny, I wanted to address the passing of Supreme Court Chief Justice Antonin Scalia. He passed away this past weekend, and I wanted to convey my condolences to his family and friends. And while I didn't agree with his politics and have made fun of him several times before, I just wanted to say that I will not be making jokes at his expense today.

That said, I am going to make fun of some people who are still alive. First and foremost, while I sympathise with Justice Scalia's family, I have to admit that my first thought was for Justice Clarence Thomas. In this sad time, one can't help but wonder if he will ever speak again, as it seems that the bulk of his comments on cases the court has made have involved him just concurring with Scalia.

And then there are the politicians and pundits on the right who, upon hearing of Scalia's passing, demanded that nobody try to politicize this tragedy, and them, immediately after that, began to politicize this tragedy.

First, it was the announcement that congress should delay allowing a replacement to be named until after the election. This came from some of the current batch of loonies running for president. That was followed by Republican members of congress. Then the nutballs on Twitter and other sites started insisting that Scalia, a 79-year-old man with health issues, had been murdered. Puckered sphincter Matt Drudge and flaccid penis Alex Jones have straight up accused President Obama of murdering the man.

*Sigh.*

But enough of that. It's...

Yeah, it is!
The Super Bowl happened last week and, as I don't follow football (I'm a hockey guy), I have no recollection as to who won, although I do recall seeing something about Peyton Manning mentioning three times that he wanted to drink Budweiser and then kissing the guy who owns Papa John's.


But the real attention was on the commercials, as everybody knows. And it was pretty disturbing this year. br />

Football is weird.

This, however? Completely normal.
In science, Einstein was proven right (again) a mere 100 years after he predicted gravitational waves. Turns out he was a pretty smart guy.


Now, if only we could find definitive proof of Planet Nine, and maybe upgrade Pluto back to planet status, we'd be all good. Oh, and also real hoverboards. That'd be neat!

Meanwhile, I spent a bit of my time trying to make my own discoveries in the universe, and it was a mixed bag, to be honest.


Also, this.
But then I went to Twitter and found enlightenment there, which I will now share with you, in no particular order.


And there you have it! Now have a great week! And to help it along, here's a clip from Key and Peele that actually made my Dad laugh out loud:


And now, I'm outta here...

Later!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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February 10, 2016

City Hunter

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The guys have wanted to do a Jackie Chan movie since they began doing this podcast. And when Derek decided it was time for it to finally happen, he went for one that neither Jake nor Larry would have even considered, largely because neither of them knew it existed: 1993's City Hunter!

City Hunter is based on a Japanese comic book and cartoon whose main character is a womanizing, self-centered detective who is supposed to be taking care of his dead partner's daughter, Carrie, but what really happens is, she takes care of him because she wants him to love her.

Good luck with that, Carrie. He doesn't seem interested in a monogamous relationship.

Does Dictionary.com even know what that word means?
In the movie, Jackie Chan is Ryu Saeba -- City Hunter! And his dead partner's daughter is played by Joey Wang.She looks after City Hunter by making sure he gets to meetings on time, taking care of the weirdly appointed home they share, and pining for him throughout most of the film.

When City Hunter gets hired to find a runaway girl, he finds himself having to stow away on a boat to get to her. He could have just gone ahead and boarded like a regular person, had he paid attention to Carrie, who offered to take him on the cruise ship for his birthday. But, being too wrapped up in trying to get his dick wet with any woman that is willing to make eye contact with him. (Except Carrie, natch.)

Or...uh...maybe other reasons...
The missing girl (Kyoko, played by Kumiko Goto) overhears a group of terrorists (led by Richard Norton as Colonel McDonald and Gary Daniels as his tiny-batched muscle) discussing their plan to take over the ship, is almost caught, and tries to run from them, finding her way to City Hunter himself.

Carrie, meanwhile, is fighting off the advances of a wormy Chinese version of Keanu Reeves, who is trying to get her to give up the good stuff.

Her lips say "no," but his eyes say "I'm going to sneak
into your room and watch you shower anyway."
Along the way, we discover Gundam (Leon Lai), a baccarat dealer who appears to have trained at the Xavier School. He can throw playing cards with deadly accuracy, very much like Gambit from the X-Men comics.

Okay, look: he's a Chinese version of Gambit. That's it. That's all we have to say about it.

Due to copyright issues, call me...Grambart.
Oh, and as if this wasn't nearly enough, there's a pair of secret agents/spies (Chingmy Yau and Carol Wan) that are also looking for the terrorists. And all of these people end up working together to save the girl and stop the terrorists.

Please...Never take your shirt off again, Little Junk.
After a series of wacky events, including Chinese Keanu possibly being ass-raped by one of the bad guys' armed guards.

This movie is incredibly weird and upsetting on so many levels. So, of course, you should totally watch it, right?

And be sure to give a listen to the...song(?) by a pair of Asian guys who dress like Milli Vanilli and "rap" like Eddie Deezen.

Larry is unable to determine whether or not he actually likes this movie. Even after a long conversation pointing out the good and bad parts, he's still unsure. He sure got a kick out of the Street Fighter fight scene, though!

Derek is very upset by the henchman in the tiny Speedo. And the implied molestation of the Keanu Reeves guy. And the fact that City Hunter had to think for a few seconds before agreeing not to have an affair with what was a ten-year-old girl at that point.

Jake also liked the Street Fighter scene, but he was equally unnerved by the musical number, which seems to go on for way longer than it should have. Like, a lot.

 There's also fun stuff in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon (although nobody really cares about anything coming out other than Deadpool), Larry's List returns to its classic form, some Jake-ing Off about graphic artists, and Derek takes Larry and Jake on a Journey to Hogwarts Inside My Head.

So tune in and give it a listen!
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February 8, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, gang, it's been another weird-ass week. So let's get right to it, shall we? And we'll throw in some animations of people (and not people) running from explosions! F'rinstance:

Oh, Japan...You wackadoodles...
And so, there was a lot of strange stuff going on in the world of politics this week, and I'm very excited to get to those, but before that, let's talk about puckered sphincter Martin Shkreli, who was called before a congressional committee to explain how he ripped off the last company he worked for.

Before his appearance, Shkreli was smug and snotty about what he intended to do when he got there, telling a Twitter follower, "Oh there’s nothing id like more than to tear Congress a new one." (It has since been deleted.) However, during his appearance, he refused to say anything other than invoke the Fifth Amendment, like the whiney vagina in a shitty suit that he is.

But enough about that festering cornhole. There's politicians to make fun of!

I don't run from explosions. Explosions run from me.
Earlier this week was the Iowa Caucus, which was supposed to give us an idea of how the current batch of folks campaigning for president are doing at this point. Donald Trump, convinced he will be given the biggest and best win in the whole world ever and so why doesn't everybody just give up, was somewhat disappointed to come in second on the Republican side. Ted "The Canadian Hispanic" Cruz finished first, and so The Donald has demanded a recount and wants someone to sue...I dunno...Iowa? The guy's a nutjob. Let's leave it at that.


On the Democratic side, Hillary won by an extremely small amount (less than one percent) over Bernie Sanders, and neither threatened to sue the other over it, although a number of folks want to have a look at the raw voter data to make sure nothing sketchy was going on, because the person who was in charge of the data used to stump for Hillary back in the last election. But Bernie's not complaining. So there's that.

Trump's reaction to the Iowa results were...not good.
In the middle of the week, Jeb! Bush gave a speech that didn't go nearly as well as he expected and, unfortunately for him, the saddest part was caught on video:


Mother of God...And this guy still thinks he has a chance...


But then he brought his mom along after that, and everyone is terrified of Barbara Bush, so they all behave the way Jeb! wants them to.

Artist's rendering of Barbara Bush being not happy with people.
And finally, there was another GOP Debate this week, and it turned out to be the most entertaining of them all! Largely because there were so many screw-ups throughout the whole thing that it was starting to look like a Saturday Night Live sketch.

First, there were problems with the introductions.


Then there was Marco Rubio's hard drive skipping a groove and causing a reboot, which made him repeat the exact same memorized speech chunk four times.


It got to be so much that Chris Christie called him out on it! Needless to say, Rubio is now under pressure to explain why he just kept saying the same thing over and over, and even his friends have voiced concern about whether his brain is actually made of organic material, rather than silicon.

No comment. NO COMMENT!
Anyway, let's go look at some tweets from the incredibly funny people of Twitter. In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to start it off, here's another Mr. Show clip that I think is hilarious:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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February 3, 2016

Werewolf

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Sometimes a movie comes along that is so poorly made...so badly acted...so mind-bendingly stupid that you have to sit back, drink yourself into oblivion, and seriously question the life choices that led you to sitting and watching it.

1995's straight-to-video Werewolf, featuring Joe Estevez, is just such a movie. And the guys sat down to watch it.

I'M HERE TO YELL MY LINES AT EVERYBODY!
An archeological dig in Arizona reveals a mysterious skeleton. The diggers (including Estevez) believe it to be the legendary Yamaglachi! You'll learn this because Joe Estevez yells it at you a lot, just like he yells all of his other lines. A fight ensues between the guys doing the actual work, and one of them -- Tommy (Jules Desjarlais) -- falls on the skeleton and gets cut, and has to be rushed to the hospital.

The leader of the dig, an upsettingly muscly and vaguely Hispanic scientist(?) with continually changing hair named Yuri (Jorge Rivero). He visits Tommy in the hospital to draw some of his blood, on the orders of his boss, Noel (Richard Lynch), and takes it back to the museum, where the skeleton has been moved.

Can we make this quick? I'm due in a Twilight movie later this afternoon...
Meanwhile, a writer named Peter (Federico Cavalli) moves to Flagstaff and is shown his new digs, which are maintained by this generation's Gabby Hayes, Sam the Crazy Militia Guy (R.C. Bates).

Have you accepted Duck Dynasty as your personal lord and savior?
After meeting with his pantsless realtor, Peter heads to the museum, where he checks out the skeleton, as well as another scientist named Natalie (Adriana Stastny), and she is a vacuous, large-breasted woman with another unrecognizable accent.

This is her expression for most of the movie. We believe this means she's thinking.
She takes an immediate liking to Peter, which is difficult to accept, until you realize that her other choices are Yuri, Sam, and Noel, who looks like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Between bouts of making Peter his bitch by beating him with the skull of the skeleton, Yuri goes around turning people into werewolves by injecting them with Tommy's blood, as well as trying to make Natalie love him by wearing shirts even tighter than hers.

Fun Fact: Natalie and Yuri have the same cup size!
Peter, who was scratched by the skeleton when Yuri beat the tar out of him with its skull, starts turning into a wolf and...well, not actually killing people...more like slapping them around a bit and then spending countless minutes afterward on his victory howls. Tommy also turns into a wolf, runs from the hospital, and attacks a woman whose thoughts on unprotected sex flip-flop more than a goldfish left on your dresser. None of this matter, though, because Yuri turns a security guard (director Tony Zarindast) into the most bipolar monster ever.

BACON BACON BACON! Oh, the wolfmanity!
At some point, Yuri confronts Peter and gets shredded to bits. So does Sam. As do most of the other people who come into Peter's life. Except for Natalie. Because she's...special.

Like Peter, she suffers the heartbreak of ear mites.
Did we just give away the ending? Yes. Why? Because fuck this movie, that's why.

Derek is very upset by Yuri's hair, which changes every scene. Sometimes it changes in the same scene. It's possible that Yuri's hair is a symbiote that is sapping Yuri of his energy, which would explain why such a muscly guy also looks saggy.

Larry is angered that nobody in this movie can say the word "werewolf", which one might think would be sort of compulsory, being as it's the title of the goddamn film. But no. Instead, they filled out the cast with thick-tongued idiots who can't say a simple two-syllable word.

Jake took this movie's existence on the same plane of the universe as him as a personal affront. This is completely reasonable, and nobody blames him for his blind rage. Hopefully, he'll feel better by the time they sit down to watch next week's movie.

There's also a few interesting stories in The Lobby, another batch of "Best Of" lists in Larry's List, Jake-ing Off about the Toys 'R' Us Mogwai Miracle, and some reminiscing about TV shows from the 70s and 80s Inside My Head!

 So get your translator and give this week's show a listen!
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February 1, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, gang, it's been a heck of a week.

Not nearly as many dead celebrities as the past few weeks, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy to see January go.

Get outta here, January, before I give you what for!
This week, however, did offer up a few unusual moments.

First, there was yet another Republican debate. What sets this one apart from the other 873 debates they've had so far is that Donald Trump refused to attend because Fox "News" anchor Megyn Kelly was moderating the event.

For those of you who do not recall, Trump had a hissy fit and a previous debate because Kelly had the outright nerve to ask him about insulting comments he made concerning women. Because of this, Trump suggested that Kelly was in a bad mood because she was on her period. Now he refuses to man-up and face her again. What a classy guy.

I'm gonna go do my own fundraiser and claim it's to help disabled vets!
But it won't!
In other silly-assed argument news, Kanye West took offense to a comment on Twitter by rapper Wiz Khalifa, in which Khalifa used the initials K.K., causing Kanye to think Khalifa was taking a poke at Kanye's wife, Kim Kardashian. The resulting diarrhea spray of tweets from Kanye started with demands that he be treated with respect by Khalifa because he, Kanye, is "OG". (He is so not.) It then went on to claim that he "owns" Khalifa's child because if he hadn't broken up with Amber Rose, Khalifa would never have had a chance at her. Then Kanye finished his tirade by complimenting Khalifa on his pants.

Confused yet? It get's better.

Stupid celebrity arguments make me do the Happy Dance!
Khalifa then took a moment to point out that the "K.K." he was referring to was his own strain of marijuana. That's right; not only was he not talking about Kardashian, but he owns his own personal strain of weed. What the actual fuck?

Oh, and then Amber Rose stepped up tot he plate and made a swing for the fences, tweeting that Kanye was a fan of assplay, and maybe enjoyed a finger up the cornhole while doing his naked wrestlin'. Needless to say, Kanye denies it. Personally, I don't care either way. I just wanted to point out that there is a guy who has his own strain of pot that he enjoys (that's how you know he really enjoys his weed), and that Kanye allegedly enjoys an occasional finger up his butt.

This also marks the largest story I've ever written about Kanye or Kim Kardashian, or ever will, because I despise them both.

Hooray! No more of those oxygen-wasting asshats!
There was other stuff that happened, but I ran out of entertaining .GIF animations of Christopher Walken dancing, so what do you say we go take a look at the incredibly funny tweets from people on Twitter instead?

In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to help it along, here's one of my favorite sketches from Mr. Show with Bob and David.


All th-...Oh, wait! Found another Walken .GIF:

"Moves like Jagger"? Screw you. Move like this guy!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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