February 3, 2016

Werewolf

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Sometimes a movie comes along that is so poorly made...so badly acted...so mind-bendingly stupid that you have to sit back, drink yourself into oblivion, and seriously question the life choices that led you to sitting and watching it.

1995's straight-to-video Werewolf, featuring Joe Estevez, is just such a movie. And the guys sat down to watch it.

I'M HERE TO YELL MY LINES AT EVERYBODY!
An archeological dig in Arizona reveals a mysterious skeleton. The diggers (including Estevez) believe it to be the legendary Yamaglachi! You'll learn this because Joe Estevez yells it at you a lot, just like he yells all of his other lines. A fight ensues between the guys doing the actual work, and one of them -- Tommy (Jules Desjarlais) -- falls on the skeleton and gets cut, and has to be rushed to the hospital.

The leader of the dig, an upsettingly muscly and vaguely Hispanic scientist(?) with continually changing hair named Yuri (Jorge Rivero). He visits Tommy in the hospital to draw some of his blood, on the orders of his boss, Noel (Richard Lynch), and takes it back to the museum, where the skeleton has been moved.

Can we make this quick? I'm due in a Twilight movie later this afternoon...
Meanwhile, a writer named Peter (Federico Cavalli) moves to Flagstaff and is shown his new digs, which are maintained by this generation's Gabby Hayes, Sam the Crazy Militia Guy (R.C. Bates).

Have you accepted Duck Dynasty as your personal lord and savior?
After meeting with his pantsless realtor, Peter heads to the museum, where he checks out the skeleton, as well as another scientist named Natalie (Adriana Stastny), and she is a vacuous, large-breasted woman with another unrecognizable accent.

This is her expression for most of the movie. We believe this means she's thinking.
She takes an immediate liking to Peter, which is difficult to accept, until you realize that her other choices are Yuri, Sam, and Noel, who looks like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Between bouts of making Peter his bitch by beating him with the skull of the skeleton, Yuri goes around turning people into werewolves by injecting them with Tommy's blood, as well as trying to make Natalie love him by wearing shirts even tighter than hers.

Fun Fact: Natalie and Yuri have the same cup size!
Peter, who was scratched by the skeleton when Yuri beat the tar out of him with its skull, starts turning into a wolf and...well, not actually killing people...more like slapping them around a bit and then spending countless minutes afterward on his victory howls. Tommy also turns into a wolf, runs from the hospital, and attacks a woman whose thoughts on unprotected sex flip-flop more than a goldfish left on your dresser. None of this matter, though, because Yuri turns a security guard (director Tony Zarindast) into the most bipolar monster ever.

BACON BACON BACON! Oh, the wolfmanity!
At some point, Yuri confronts Peter and gets shredded to bits. So does Sam. As do most of the other people who come into Peter's life. Except for Natalie. Because she's...special.

Like Peter, she suffers the heartbreak of ear mites.
Did we just give away the ending? Yes. Why? Because fuck this movie, that's why.

Derek is very upset by Yuri's hair, which changes every scene. Sometimes it changes in the same scene. It's possible that Yuri's hair is a symbiote that is sapping Yuri of his energy, which would explain why such a muscly guy also looks saggy.

Larry is angered that nobody in this movie can say the word "werewolf", which one might think would be sort of compulsory, being as it's the title of the goddamn film. But no. Instead, they filled out the cast with thick-tongued idiots who can't say a simple two-syllable word.

Jake took this movie's existence on the same plane of the universe as him as a personal affront. This is completely reasonable, and nobody blames him for his blind rage. Hopefully, he'll feel better by the time they sit down to watch next week's movie.

There's also a few interesting stories in The Lobby, another batch of "Best Of" lists in Larry's List, Jake-ing Off about the Toys 'R' Us Mogwai Miracle, and some reminiscing about TV shows from the 70s and 80s Inside My Head!

So get your translator and give this week's show a listen!