As we should all know by now, every summer brings out the biggest, most expensively-made dumbass movies to ever grace the silver screen. Some would argue that Star Wars started the "Summer Blockbuster Boom", and that seems reasonable. But in the summer of 1996, the level of dumbassery hit new heights with the movie the guys watched this week.
First, it should be noted that Jake was not able to make it to the recording because he is currently down for the count with a nasty flu bug that's been going around. That's why this week's movie isn't the one that was promised at the end of the last episode. But the point is, get better, Jake, and we hope to see you next weekend!
But enough of that! This week's movie was the huge hit of that summer, Twister, starring Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, Carey Elwes, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Cameron from Ferris Beuller's Day Off, the wimpy Corporal Upham from Saving Private Ryan, and what appears to be a post-op Harry Potter.
|This wizard chose not to have a wand...|
|Please tell us that's just a metaphor...|
When Bill does find the team, he immediately dumps his fiancee, Melissa (Jamie Gertz), on one of the creepiest people there, who begins talking about what he does in the most obscene-sounding way possible.
|SHOW US YOUR SUCK ZONE!|
|And for that, naturally, he must be destroyed.|
But, hey...Them CGI tornadoes is pretty bitchen, ain't they? And, of course, there's the trailer bait that everybody remembers, even if they cannot recall a single other frame from this movie:
|The best acting in the movie.|
Derek is deeply upset at how poorly Jamie Gertz is treated in this film. She's a talented actor, and was relegated to comic relief and ignored fiancee. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton had all the dialog, really, and she was left to mug at the camera and be scared and goofy.
|Where's the quiet dignity of her performance as a 15-year-old hooker in Crossroads?|
Jake was still not there, so he has nothing to contribute to this right now. Next week, however, he will be made to read a scene from the film as Jesse Ventura, while Derek performs as Hulk Hogan, and Larry as Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Stay tuned for it!
There's also a much too long discussion about why Derek believes Rabbit actually is Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a few news stories in The Lobby, some new flicks Coming Soon, a very surprising Larry's List, a vaguely disgusting few moments of Jake-ing Off, and an Inside My Head segment that starts out as one thing, but turns into something entirely different.
So take cover! Come on! Move! Let's go! And listen to this week's F5 of an episode!