Not nearly as many dead celebrities as the past few weeks, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy to see January go.
|Get outta here, January, before I give you what for!|
First, there was yet another Republican debate. What sets this one apart from the other 873 debates they've had so far is that Donald Trump refused to attend because Fox "News" anchor Megyn Kelly was moderating the event.
For those of you who do not recall, Trump had a hissy fit and a previous debate because Kelly had the outright nerve to ask him about insulting comments he made concerning women. Because of this, Trump suggested that Kelly was in a bad mood because she was on her period. Now he refuses to man-up and face her again. What a classy guy.Trump: "I will destroy ISIS but I'm skipping the Fox debate because I'm afraid Megyn Kelly will say mean things and ask me tough questions."— Paul Solomon (@FrankTheDoorman) January 27, 2016
|I'm gonna go do my own fundraiser and claim it's to help disabled vets!|
But it won't!
Confused yet? It get's better.
|Stupid celebrity arguments make me do the Happy Dance!|
Oh, and then Amber Rose stepped up tot he plate and made a swing for the fences, tweeting that Kanye was a fan of assplay, and maybe enjoyed a finger up the cornhole while doing his naked wrestlin'. Needless to say, Kanye denies it. Personally, I don't care either way. I just wanted to point out that there is a guy who has his own strain of pot that he enjoys (that's how you know he really enjoys his weed), and that Kanye allegedly enjoys an occasional finger up his butt.
This also marks the largest story I've ever written about Kanye or Kim Kardashian, or ever will, because I despise them both.Is Kanye really the greatest artist of all time? It's like your grandma is awesome but even she doesn't take her #1 Grandma mug literally— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) January 27, 2016
|Hooray! No more of those oxygen-wasting asshats!|
In no particular order...
I picture my dream girl playing Zelda as her glasses fog up opening the oven to get an XL pizza that will soon be stuck in her adult braces.— Steve Dutzy (@SteveDutzy) January 23, 2016
At airport bar watching all female UFC match. Ad for Christian authors looking to publish came on. #knowyourdemographic,#thewordofthelord— David Cross (@davidcrosss) January 26, 2016
You like eating pussy? Name three of their songs.— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 28, 2016
My body type would best be described as "caterpillar that loves Mountain Dew."— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) January 28, 2016
Never let a black cat cross your path. Don't let a calico park your car. Watch out for tabbies offering free movie downloads.— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) January 30, 2016
If he wants you to smell like this it's a deal breaker. pic.twitter.com/pIb294xCJD— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 30, 2016
Just flew in from a Def Leopard drum solo and boy my arms are missing.— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) January 31, 2016
I'll never forget the time I tripped on a wire and my arm went up my grandpas asshole. Those things happened on separate days, but whatevs.— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) January 30, 2016
Fun Fact: an Analgesic is not at all what I thought it was.— Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) January 31, 2016
And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to help it along, here's one of my favorite sketches from Mr. Show with Bob and David.I AM DARKNESS. I AM THE NIGHT. GODDAMMIT, I SPILLED A BOWL OF CEREAL ON MY CROTCH. pic.twitter.com/kp26opU1QM— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) January 30, 2016
All th-...Oh, wait! Found another Walken .GIF:
|"Moves like Jagger"? Screw you. Move like this guy!|
Derek and Bosco