Total Recall (1990)

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When the guys got together this past weekend, little did they know they would find something so disturbing...so dumb...and yet so entertaining!

Yes, this week the guys sat down to watch and talk about a film that many critics have referred to as "about two hours long or so," and one that Roger Ebert himself may have even had no other option but to watch!

That's right, they watched the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger film, Total Recall!

"Classic", if for no other reason, because of this cool doohickey...
And the hooker with three tits.

Arnold inexplicably plays a guy named Douglas Quaid, a construction worker even more inexplicably married to 1990s Sharon Stone.

When Quaid decides to go to Rekall, a company that artificially inserts vacation memories into its customers' minds, something is triggered in his mind, and he discovers his life is a lie, he is a spy or some damn thing (it's not entirely clear), and he has to get to Mars and meet a contact in order to be safe.

Thus begins almost an hour-and-a-half of Arnold running around, killing people, and rambling incoherently. Oh, and it also includes Sharon Stone kicking him repeatedly in the junk -- a reaction we're sure most right-thinking people would have upon being confronted with a thick-tongued Austrian buttsteak gabbling at them.

She's willing to give him a fair chance, though.

When he reached Mars, he runs afoul of Richter (Michael Ironside), who works for the guy who owns all the air on Mars, Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox). After a ridiculous series of events that end with Arnold in a taxi with a guy named Benny (Mel Johnson, Jr.), he heads to the sleazy side of town and meets up with what turns out to be his actual girlfriend, Melina (Rachel Ticotin), who is also not too happy to see him, although she shows incredible restraint in not following Sharon Stone's lead and attempting to kick his genitals into a fine powder.

When Richter catches up to Quaid (and Sharon Stone tags along--you never know when an opportunity to kick Arnold's dick will come up), Melina finds it in her heart to forgive Quaid long enough for him to shoot Sharon Stone in the head and then go find out who Kuato is.

HINT: It may or may not be Clint Howard.

More people are killed, including Kuato and a number of innocent bystanders, because they were foolish enough to be in the same general region as the lumbering idiot that is Doug Quaid. Only after he is captured (again) is he made aware that he is in fact a guy named Hauser, and Hauser works for Cohaagen, and neither of them are very nice people, although it could be argued that Quaid isn't much of a good guy, either, considering how easily he mows down people with impunity.

After more running and killing, it comes down to Quaid, Melina, and Cohaagen standing inside a big ol' machine that ancient Martians built. The rumor is that it is supposed to build a breathable atmosphere for the people now living there, but Cohaagen and his gang insist it's a doomsday machine that will destroy the planet and kill everyone there. But that could all be bullshit and Cohaagen is just saying that so he can continue to milk everybody for more of the weird red money they use there.

Arnold, in his lack of wisdom, makes a big hole in the dome that's keeping the air in, and, mere moments after Quaid activates the machine, he, Melina, and Cohaagen all get sucked out into the airless Martian landscape. It's...not pretty.

Asphyxiation or O-face? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

And it doesn't go much better for Melina.

Rock it, Kirk Hammet! ROCK IT!

Will our "heroes" survive? Will the rest of the Mars population also survive? What's with that Tony guy's vagina face? Why the pinkeye? And how many times do each of the guys do the "Ah-nuld Grunt" in this discussion of the movie that birthed it? Tune in to find out!

Derek is deeply concerned about the number of crotch kicks and punches Arnold takes in this movie. Admittedly, his testicles are probably about the size of raisins due to steroid abuse, but you have to wonder, you know?

Jake manages to coin a term to describe the dumbing-down of a talented author's work in order to have a director of questionable skills make a Hollywood blockbuster. He's also fairly certain that Melina was, possibly even recently, a dude. This leads to a lot of referring to her as "bro" and "that guy". Hilarity ensues.

Larry reveals the secret to doing a Midwestern accent, which, according to him, involves saying "don't ya know" at the end of every sentence. He also displays an odd fascination with the damaging properties of Melina's possibly enormous package.

There's also some interesting news in The Lobby, some promising flicks Coming Soon, a recap of the 90s in Larry's List, Playstation news leads to a general conversation about console gaming while Jake-ing Off, and the three most un-sportsman-ish guys on Earth talk about sports movies Inside My Head.

So wrap a wet towel around your head and pull that ping pong ball out of your nose! It's time for this week's episode!