August 17, 2016

Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens

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If you prefer your devastating weather events to be not just seafood-based, but also natural disaster-based and human folly-based, have we got a movie for you!

This week the guys sat down to watch Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens, starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, David Hasselhoff, and, to add a little gravity to the film, GARY FREAKIN' BUSEY!


This movie rates a solid 3.0 on the Clint Howard-O-Meter. Clint could easily appear in this film. To be honest, we're shocked he hasn't been offered a role yet, as he would almost certainly add yet another degree of awesomeness to it!

If you'll recall, when we last left our heroes, they had just beat some sharks in space (because why not), Fin (Ian Ziering) was suddenly a new father, Fin's own father (David Hasselhoff) was stuck on the moon, and a big ol' chunk of space station had fallen on April (Tara Reid), who seems to be getting singled out by the sharks for some spectacular abuse. Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No! ended with a Twitter poll that gave the viewers the chance to decide whether #AprilLives or #AprilDies.

SPOILER: She lives!
Well, it's now five years later, Fin runs a farm in Kansas called April's Acres, lives with his son, Gil (brothers Christopher and Nicholas Shone), his...mother(?)-in-law(?) (Cheryl Tiegs), and his neice Gemeni (Masiela Lusha). A science guy named Aston Reynolds (Tommy Davidson) has developed a weather control system that keeps sharknados from developing and opened a hotel in Las Vegas that is fronted by a giant aquarium filled with sharks. (Go to hell, ironic narrative causality!)

So, naturally, Fin is going with Capricorn to Las Vegas to attend his son Matt's (Cody Linley) wedding to Gabrielle (Imani Hakim), whom Matt met in the army. And, also naturally, a tornado immediately forms right on the Strip in Vegas, hitting Aston's hotel and sucking up all the sharks. At the same time, Aston's weather control system fails, allowing the sharknado to make its way halfway across the country while adding more and more horrible stuff to itself, such as boulders, oil, fire, lava, cows, and twine.

And this guy kills a shark with his dick.
And did we mention that Colonel Sheperd (Hasselhoff) isn't still stuck on the moon? He was rescued by Aston's porn star scientists and some other stupid coincidences that are really not worth going in to. Now he practices using Aston's flying suit and hanging out with his granddaughter, Claudia (Ryan Newman).

Speaking of stupid coincidences, it turns out April is still alive because her scientist father (Gary Busey) recovered her body from the spaceship wreckage and rebuilt her with cybernetic bits! She now has a new heart, superhuman strength, and a left hand that sports several different retractable weapons. There's even a lightsaber!

Not from the movie. Just awesome.
Fin takes Sagittarius, Matt, and Gabrielle back to Kansas (after a quick detour to borrow the car from Christine from Steve Guttenburg), where he finds the boulderoilfirelavanado sucking up cows on its way to April's Acres, where Gil and Raye (Tiegs) are hiding in the storm cellar. When their car is run off the road, they are saved by April, who reveals herself to them for the first time. This leads to the big reveal that Gary Busey saved her and rebuilt her, because he is clearly a brilliant scientist.

Also not from the film, but still AWESOME.
After much arguing, Fin contacts Aston and asks for help with getting rid of the sharknado(s?) because it is now irradiated, having taken out a nuclear power plant, and is now heading toward Niagra Falls. Aston's plan is to use an experimental machine that will reverse the course of the falls, flooding the nukenado with supercooled water and rendering it slightly less horrible. It also involves Aston jumping out of a plane without a parachute for some reason. Oh, and the colonel has a robot suitwith chainsaw hands.

Sure. Why not.
While this appears to work, it doesn't stop nearly every single major cast member being eaten by sharks in a ridiculous matrushka doll sequence that finished with the whole mess being swallowed by a whale.

Will everyone survive? Will April ever get to use her lightsaber? Will Gary Busey say anything coherent? Most importantly, will there be another Sharknado movie?!

COMING SOON:
Sharknado 5: The Whale Shot Hits The Fan!
We think we can at least answer that last one with a confident "yes." As for the rest, you'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek enjoyed the pure goofiness of the film, but became increasingly hostile about all of the Star Wars references. And they weren't even the good ones. He also gloats a lot because he called the casting of Gary Busey a year ago, before it was announced.

Larry was disappointed in the movie. He feels it missed the mark because of all the cameos. (You know, because the previous two didn't have any.) He is even more hostile about the Star Wars references and wonders if they just flat-out ran out of ideas.

Jake loved it, but was as confused as the others over some of the so-called "cameos". He thinks that the bulk of them were porn actors who were trying to get work in a more "mainstream" movie. (Hey, they can't all be Gone with the Wind.) He also points out that Hasselhoff and Busey are actually doing some solid acting.

So suit up and get your favorite chainsaw sword, and listen to this week's show!