June 28, 2017

Judgement Night

To listen or download, click here!


This week, all three of the guys got back together to get back on track with Larry's movie choice from two weeks ago, 1993's Judgement Night, starring Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Stephen Dorff, Denis Leary, Jeremy Piven (for some reason), Peter Greene, and Erik "Everlast" Schrody (again, for some reason).

Frank (Estevez) is going out with his buddies, Mike (Gooding) and Ray (Piven), and his little brother John (Dorff), for the night to a boxing match. Ray, being the douchey guy that Jeremy Piven tends to be, manages to finagle an RV/party bus for the group of them to take into downtown Chicago for the fight in style.

Also, they need the space for Piven's forehead.
When they get caught in a traffic jam on the freeway, Ray decides that he can take a shortcut through a less-than-safe-looking part of town. While Frank argues with him about whether or not they'll be able to find the freeway again, they run over something. A quick investigation reveals that the speed bump they ran over was a person (Michael DeLorenzo), and that person has been shot.

Derek thinks the RV shot him, but nobody else agrees.
The kid tells them that they need to get out of there. When Frank takes the wheel to do just that and get the kid to a hospital, they get sideswiped by a car, and Frank gets the RV stuck in an alleyway.

A bunch of thugs break out the back window of the RV and drag the kid out into the street, where a mysterious and shadowy figure called Fallon (Leary) shoots him. Once that's done, he focuses on the other guys in the RV, all of whom are not too keen on being murdered by Denis Leary, so they break out the windshield and climb out so they can run away.

John! Quit getting lost in your own dreamy eyes! We have to hide!
Before he goes through the window, Frank pours a bunch of liquor around the RV and then sets it on fire, hoping to distract the bad guys. The RV explodes, so it's probably fair to say that it worked.

The guys find their way to a train yard, where they climb into a railroad car, only to be confronted by a bunch of hobos who want some money in order to stay quiet when Fallon and his gang show up.

They all give up their wallets, watches, and Mike's varsity jacket, but one of the hobos ("He's got a chicken brain!") freaks out and starts screaming, tipping off Fallon, who throws open the door, causing everyone to take off running.

The four friends find their way to a building in the projects, where they start knocking on doors, hoping they can call the police and get some help.

A couple of way-too-trusting people (Galyn Gorg and Angela Alvarado) let them in, and they call, just as Fallon and his thugs show up and start going apartment-to-apartment, floor-by-floor, to find Frank, Ray, Mike, and John.

After hearing a lot of people screaming, Clarissa (Gorg) tells the guys they need to get out, and Rita (Alvarado) is way in favor of that. Unfortunately, Ray isn't too into the idea, and pulls a gun on everybody to convince them that they really shouldn't go. A way more level-headed Frank convinces him that shooting all of them would just get the bad guys' attention, and Ray hands over the gun.

Clarissa tells them to take a secret way on the roof to the building next door. When they get there, they find a shoddy extension ladder stretched between the buildings. Ray decides he can't make it, so he wants to stay behind and try to cut a deal with Fallon.

Fallon recognizes the face of a guy who does not realize that his
bargaining skills aren't as good as he thinks they are.
Fallon, not impressed, throws Ray off the top of the building. Mike, who now has the gun, starts firing randomly at Fallon's men, clipping one of them, and then the three remaining friends run away again, finding themselves back in the shadier part of downtown, where they try to flag down a bus, but the bus driver wants no part of them. Mike shooting at the bus with the gun probably didn't help at all.

Instead, the guys hide in the sewer, but not very well. When Fallon and his guys realize they're down there, they give chase, leading them through the pipes, and a waterslide that is almost definitely coated in a thick layer of poop.

Frank, Mike, and John find a junction area where they grab makeshift weapons and prepare to fight Fallon's men to the end. Fallon's number one guy (Greene) gets the drop on Mike, but Frank quickly disarms him, and Mike shoots him.

At this point, Frank and John want to get out of there, but Mike wants to stay and end the whole thing. After some arguing that was easily loud enough to let Fallon and what's left of his gang find them, they climb out of the sewerand make their way to a sort of flea market/shopping mall kind of thing.

They break in and set off the alarm, which doesn't alert the police, but it does get the attention of a couple of security guys, as well as that of Fallon and his one remaining lackey, Rhodes (Schrody). They kill the security guys and start looking for Frank, Mike, and John.

He pulled out his Chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead
Mike takes out Rhodes, but not before Rhodes manages to shoot him. John tries to rescue Mike and ends up getting shot in the leg himself, by Fallon. Frank drags Mike and John to a closet in one of the bathrooms, and goes hunting for Fallon...

Will he beat Fallon? Or will Fallon straight-up murder the heck out of Frank, and then go hunt down Mike and John? And who won the boxing match? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Also, why does Cuba Gooding, Jr. keep making this face through the whole movie?
Larry loves this movie, and called it underappreciated numerous times. This seems to be largely because of Denis Leary's performance, which makes some sense, and also because of the awesome soundtrack.

Derek is not as enthusiastic, although he agrees with the assessments of Leary's performance and the soundtrack. He is, however, way too upset about Jeremy Piven existing, as well as the poop-filled sewer slide. So gross.

Jake shares Derek's opinion of the movie quality. He also wonders why Leary didn't get a lot more roles as a psychotic bad guy, as he nailed it in this one. He also believes the reason the other characters are so terrible falls strictly on the director.

And, once again, @redtache offers his opinions of the movie, and it turns out he's not particularly thrilled with it. He also disregards the guys' belief that the movie's soundtrack is pretty darn awesome.

So put on your uncomfortably small and awkward leather vest and listen to this week's episode!
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June 26, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

It's been a surprisingly quiet week, considering the previous six months we've had, so I'm not going to talk about Angry Orange this week.

Instead, I'm going to celebrate something awesome: Twenty years ago this week, J. K. Rowling had her first Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, released, starting an international obsession with The Boy Who Lived that has covered eight novels, which spawned several more related books, nine movies, including the recent spin-off, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, a website called Pottermore, and several different leagues for the made-up wizard sport of Quidditch.

And so, that's why this week's GIFs are Harry Potter-related.

Es muy bueno!
My granddaughter Adryanna had her birthday last week, and although I wasn't able to get to her birthday party, I was able to see her last Monday to give her a present or two and collect numerous hugs and kisses, as well as a gross face lick.

While I visited with her and her mother, Adryanna decided she wanted to show off her musical skills.


Of course, she will be getting a real guitar for her birthday sometime in the future.

As does Papa.
Meanwhile, at home, Bosco continues to insist he is more popular than I am, and he wants his own Facebook and Twitter pages.


I told him no, so he pouted for about twelve seconds before I told him I was gonna get his chew bone, which prompted him to attack it and chew up most of it.

Bosco also hates this.
Additionally, I finally got around to putting together a cool Batman LEGO set that Larry gave me, which included a Batcycle, Harley Quinn and her motorcycle, and Deadshot with a rocket launcher. Things were going just fine until I got to the point where I had to put the back tire on Harley's bike; that's when tragedy struck!

It turns out that, when Larry tried to put it together (he gave it to me after getting frustrated because he was having issues with the instructions), he had misplaced a particular part of the axle. When I texted him about it, he was kind enough to search around his place until he found it. The next Sunday, he brought it to me, and I put the whole assembly together.


I would totally have given the finished product back to him, but he let me keep it. Thanks, Larry!

Daniel Radcliffe in Larry Potter and the Missing Piece of LEGO
Outside in the "real" world, Mattel has announced that Barbie's longtime companion, Ken, is being modernized. He is now available in a number of new configurations, including one with a man-bun, because go to hell sanity!

The folks on Twitter responded as you would expect them to.


He still has no genitalia, which means that, for the first time, he is now considered anatomically correct.

Ha!
And then there were tweets...As always, everyone on Twitter was awesome. And here are a few that, while awesome, should have got more attention. In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! To help it along, here's another great Bad Lip Reading video:


Roll credits...

Shit went down at Hogwarts!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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June 21, 2017

Invasion, U.S.A.

To listen or download, click here!


Jake couldn't make it to record this week, so Derek and Larry decided to put the planned movie on hold and watch something else. And that something else is 1952's jingoist anti-Communist propaganda film, Invasion USA. They also invited their pal @redtache to offer his comments via text, which Derek reads as they discuss the movie.

Now, do not confuse this with the 1985 Invasion, U.S.A., which features Chuck Norris kicking people in the head a lot, probably. No, this one has very little head-kicking, but it does feature two Lois Lanes! (Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill!)

Also not in the 1985 movie: A guy who looks like a blind carpenter's thumb.
It's a regular 1950s late afternoon in New York City, where groups of random people hang out at a hotel bar, taking their twelve-martini lunches and listening to Tim the bartender (Tom Kennedy) tell terrible jokes to decidedly Southern "cattle raiser" Ed Mulfory (Erik Blythe), and another man, Mr. Ohman (Dan O'Herlihy), sits quietly at the end of the bar, reading.

Enter George (Robert Bice) and his potential mate, Carla (Peggie Castle). They order drinks and sit down to be lulled to sleep by Tim's jackhammer-like laughter at his own jokes. And then another man enters--local news reporter Vince Potter (Gerald Mohr), who is taking a sort of unofficial poll during his liquid lunch to see what everybody thinks about the draft, including the military taking over businesses to help build tanks, bombs, etc.

Excuse me, miss, but could you move so I can speak to a man?
George, who owns a tractor-building factory, is not a fan, and he relays a story about how the military came to him the week before about building tanks, and he basically tossed them out the door. Another member to the crew enters, Illinois congressman Arthur Harroway (Wade Crosby), and passes out cigars while he tries to take over the conversation by giving a stump speech about how every American is obligated to help "our boys", regardless of the cost, and a fight is imminent when George calls this Communism.

But it all comes to a screeching halt when Mr. Ohman speaks. In a monotone voice, he explains that he thinks everyone should do their part, and then asks them all to consider what could happen if everyone said they wouldn't help. The whole time, he is swirling his gigantic brandy snifter and rambling on and on...

Except Tim, who tried to hide his shame over the spots on his daiquiri glasses.
.And then, while everyone is captivated by staring at his glass, Mr. Ohman gets up and leaves. The others snap out of whatever trance they are in just in time to see the newscaster on the bar's big television having twitchy spasms and reporting that foreign fighter jets were attacking an airfield in Alaska, taking it over in order to using it as a staging ground for further attacks against the United States.

Vince has to leave to see what's going on, but the rest of them hang out in the bar and watch the news, none of them even thinking for a second that maybe they should ought to get out of there and maybe find somewhere safe.

Comrade Squiggy...Do you know what it mean, "eat a bag of dicks"?
The Communists, on the other hand, continue to launch attacks, using atomic bombs to blow up cities and make their way across the country.

It's right about this point that some of the folks in the bar think that it is a good time to go home. George and Ed share a taxi to the airport so they can get back to San Francisco and Boulder, respectively. Unfortunately, Lois Lane (Neill) tells them that they all the seats are filled for the California flights, and all the flights to Colorado are cancelled. However, they might be able to get on the next California flight if they fill out a form showing they need to get there. Ed decides to give it a shot and try to find a way home from there.

They manage a flight, and when they get to San Francisco, they hire a taxi driver (who looks like Kevin Pollack) to take them to George's factory. When they get there, the Communist jets are attacking, so Ed hires the taxi driver to drive him to Boulder to get Ed's wife (Coates) and his kids.

Meanwhile, the bad guys have invaded Washington, attacking Congress and killing Harroway. Others are roaming around Washington, D.C. and shooting American soldiers in the dick.

Seriously. This guy with the rifle is gonna get, like, three bullets in the junk.
Back in Colorado, rather suddenly, Ed and his new driver show up at Ed's ranch to pick up the family. Unfortunately, they are in a race against time, as the invaders have dropped an atomic bomb on Boulder Dam, causing flood waters to rush through the streets, potentially killing thousands of people, including Ed and his family.

In San Francisco, George has his factory taken over by the invaders, and when he tries to escape, he is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

In New York, Vince and Carla have a nice breakfast of coffee and cigarettes (it is the 1950s, after all) before she goes off to collect blood for the Red Cross, and he goes off to read the news on television. They agree to meet later at the bar.

Hopefully to beat the holy hell out of this guy, Mr. Ohman.
When they meet outside the bar to watch the evening's air raid, the building is struck by artillery, causing parts of it to collapse on them. Will they survive? What about Tim? And, seriously, what the hell is the deal with Mr. Ohman?


Larry was surprised at how good this movie actually was, especially given the kinds of movies Derek usually picks. And while he thinks some of the specific scenes are kind of silly, the whole thing works pretty well. He also liked all the stock footage of airplane dogfights.

Derek also enjoyed it and thought that the "special effects", such as they were, worked pretty well, for the most part. His favorite scene, however, involved probably the greatest walk-on ever. Seriously, it has to be seen to be appreciated.

@redtache didn't much care for the movie, although he pretty much nailed it when he said that it was nothing more than straight-up propaganda. That's exactly what it is. He did offer up a few funny comments concerning some of the characters' activities during the attacks.

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June 19, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Let's be honest; last week was not a great week. So, in order to get through all the garbage that happened, I'm employing some awesome Mythbusters GIFs because there is nothing not awesome about Mythbusters. (Aside from it not being on the air anymore.)

See? Awesome.
Anyway, as I said, it was not a great week. It started out the Saturday before when it was announced that Adam West passed away, leaving us a superhero short when we really could use one. However, the city of Los Angeles paid a really great tribute to him by firing up the old Bat-Signal and shining it on City Hall.


Again, thank you, Mr. West.

Good luck with that.
Megyn Kelly, former Fox "News" yeller, is working for MSNBC now, and it seems that she opened a can of worms when she decided to interview screaming conspiracy bullfrog Alex Jones for her show. Before it even came out, the complaints started, and the sponsors started pulling advertising.


One of the most unexpected complaints came from Jones himself, who says Kelly's interview was deceptively edited to come off as a hit piece, despite promising him it would not be. How do we know she promised this? Why, because Jones recorded her telling him as much!

Yes, it turns out that the paranoid InfoWars host tapes any and all interviews he does, in the event that he doesn't come off as crazy enough. And, feeling he wasn't given a fair shake, he is threatening to release the entire recording of his conversation with Kelly, although he has only released small chunks at this point, all designed to make Kelly look like a horrible person. (As if we didn't already think that.)

Here's a clip from the interview.
Another awful thing happened when a nutbag with a gun decided, "Hey, I disagree with Republicans, so I think I'll shoot them a lot."

The man, a self-described Bernie Sanders supporter, took his gun to a baseball field where Republican lawmakers were practicing for a charity baseball game against Democratic lawmakers, and opened fire, shooting several people, including Louisiana Republican Steve Scalise.

Here's the thing: I disagree with Republicans in general, and Scalise is no angel himself. Some of the stuff he supports is reprehensible to me, but I would never, ever advocate taking a gun to anybody just because you disagree with their thinking. That's not the way to make change happen. If you have ever thought about doing something like that, regardless of your political affiliation, religion, or any other thing, you are an asshole.


I wish Representative Scalise a quick recovery.

Harmless destruction is way more entertaining.
With last week's testimony from former FBI Director James Comey, we had so much drama and fascinating revelations. So, of course, the same was expected when it was announced that bitter Keebler elf Attorney General Jeff Sessions would be offering his own testimony in the Trump-Russia scandal.

But the drama and revelations didn't happen. Instead, we got a bunch of mumbling, an inordinate number of "I don't recall" responded, and a clearly shaken Sessions who seemed confused that California Senator Kamala Harris, a black woman, was allowed to ask him things and expect answers.


Truthfully, nothing got accomplished, and it was a waste of time. I hope episode three of Senate Investigation Testimony is better.


And, on a more upbeat note, it's Pride Month! We at Here Be Spoilers support our LGBTQ+ friends, and we hope they have an awesome time getting out there and having parades and getting married and living their lives and being happy and all that. There were a bunch of parades last week, and there were some incredible celebrities that showed up to offer their support!


Stay proud, you guys! And for those LGBTQ+ folks out there who are in to Pride and cool stuff that goes "BOOM", here's this:

It's an explosion of awesomeness!
And there were tweets...

As usual, I grabbed a random(ish) handful of them to cram into your eyes. If you dig 'em, follow these funny folks. If you don't...I dunno...maybe go fishing or something.

In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to kick it off, as we head into the warm summer, it's important to remember what we're missing from winter, so here's another classic from the Holderness family:


And, after all this, if you can't figure out why Twitter is awesome, observe:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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June 14, 2017

The Faculty

To listen or download, click here.


Okay...Here's the deal: The guys were all set to watch Harbinger Down, which Jake had chosen as the movie for this week. However, it was not to be, as the DVD Jake provided didn't want to cooperate. It kept freezing, so a different movie was required. What would the guys do?

A quick gander through Jake's Folder 'O Flicks revealed this week's alternative movie choice: The Faculty, starring Elijah Wood, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Josh Hartnett, Laura Harris, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Shawn Hatosy, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Jon Stewart, Robert Patrick, Usher, Christopher McDonald...and a whole bunch of other people.

Robert Rodriguez crammed loads of 'em in each scene to cover every flat surface!
When the football coach (Patrick) of a rural Ohio town starts acting strangely, the student photographer, Casey (Wood), notices and starts to wonder what's going on. At first, he tells the editor of the school paper, Delilah (Brewster), and the two of them attempt to find out what's going on. They certainly do, when they witness the coach and another teacher attacking the school nurse (Hayek).

When they try to tell the authorities and their parents, Casey ends up getting grounded and having his porn taken away by his father (McDonald).

The next day, he returns to the school, where he tries to convince the mopey goth girl, Stokes (DuVall), that maybe the teaching staff are aliens. She, in turn, suggests that they might be controlled by symbiotic lifeforms, and they have to find the controlling critter to save everyone.

Nah...We're sure they're fine.
In order to save humanity, they bring in Delilah's football player boyfriend, Stan (Hatosy), the local contraband dealer, Zeke (Hartnett), and the new girl, Marybeth (Harris). They are almost immediately have to face off against the science teacher, Mr. Furlong (Stewart), who tries to kill them all.

What're ya gonna do...
It is during this confrontation that they discover the bathtub crank that Zeke sells has a surprising effect on the aliens/symbiotes...It liquefies them.

The group leaves the school and goes back to Zeke's house, where he has a gigantic laboratory in his garage that, apparently, nobody ever noticed before. Once there, they examine one of Mr. Furlong's fingers--it was cut off during their battle with him--and realize that, indeed, it is a symbiote. So now they have to figure out if any of them are infected with one. How do they do that? By taking Zeke's bathtub tweakin' powder! What could possibly go wrong?

Best line delivery of the movie.
SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG, YOU GUYS.

Turns out Delilah has one of these little boogers, and a huge fight ensues, destroying almost all of Zeke's basement meth and all of his lab stuff. Also, Delilah gets away because Casey is too scared to shoot her, and when Stokes tries to shoot her, she turns out to be a terrible shot.

So now they have to go back to the school and try to find Patient Zero for the brain critters. This might entail facing off against an entire town of alien-possessed townsfolk, football players, teachers, and a few out-of-towners (also possessed). Against the, now, five of them. Again, that should be fine.

Did we mention the tentacles? Because there are a lot of tentacles.
After a brief confrontation with the school's principal, Principal Drake (Neuwirth), in which it turns out that Zeke has no problem whatsoever with shooting someone. Then Stan goes out to confront the coach, and he is turned.

Will the others survive? Will they find the main critter? Will it, too, be all tentacle-y? OR IS IT ALL A DREAM? (No. It is not a dream. We just wanted a dramatic moment.) You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek is concerned about Elijah Wood's seeming inability to walk more than ten feet without falling. He also has issues with Josh Hartnett's hair. It's upsetting. All that aside, he wonders if this is a better movie than Wes Craven's Scream.

Larry is a big fan of Clea DuVall, and makes it known. A lot. He has a few issues with the CGI in this film, but is willing to give it a miss, considering the low budget of the film. The practical effects and monsters by KNB are, of course, top shelf.

Jake wonders mostly about whether the monsters are aliens, symbiotes, or possibly even pan-dimensional being that require human hosts to move in this dimension. For any other movie, this would be a ridiculous talking point, but it actually makes the others wonder.

So tune in, turn on, and drop out so our alien overlords can't take control of your brain, and listen to this week's show!
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June 12, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Before I get started, I just wanted to say how astoundingly upset I was to find out that Adam West passed away Friday at the age of 88 after a short bout with leukemia.

The millionaire playboy/superhero dad we all wanted.
West's Batman was a huge part of my childhood. I used to rush home from school every single day to watch reruns of the show on a local UHF channel (Channel 50 in Detroit) for as long as I can remember. I was that Batman for Halloween several years in a row.  Right now, the '66 Batmobile is sitting on top of my TV, a gift from my brother. Batman has been woven into my life, and it's all because of West's straight-laced performance in the campy series.


And I know there are a lot of you (I'm guessing about four, really) reading this who, like Jake, will point out that younger folks will only know him as Mayor Adam West from Family Guy. That's fine; because at least they know who he is. I would also encourage them to check out the original Batman series, as well as West's other work, to see what a truly interesting and genuinely funny guy he was.

He will be missed.

Now, on to other stuff...

This week's GIFs are all about Godzilla. Why? Because.

Oh, snap, y'all!
What a week it was! There was Memorial Day, where I hope that you, like myself, enjoyed many grilled meat objects. (I had to work, but the guys in Security were kind enough to fire up the grill and make burgers and brats for us.)

Later in the week, there was a little blip on the teevee machine that may have caught your attention. I'm speaking, of course, of former FBI Director James Comey's testimony concerning Angry Orange. It was fascinating. (This is something you will never hear me say about watching C-SPAN any other time, unless they air impeachment proceedings...Fingers crossed!)


Among other things, Director Comey stated that Angry Orange did ask him to drop the case against Michael Flynn. ("I hope you can see clear to dropping this. To letting Flynn go.") He also said that he leaked the notes he made about the meeting to a friend, who gave them to the press, because he was trying to get a special prosecutor put on the Trump-Russia scandal. It worked.

Twitter, of course, had some fun with the questioning...


Most disturbing to me was Senator John McCain's line of questioning. He seemed to have a problem telling the difference between the investigation that went on concerning Hillary Clinton's e-mail server and whether Angry Orange was colluding with Russia. A number of people wondered if McCain was in full control of his faculties.


All-in-all, it was a very interesting and enlightening session.

I don't know why this exists, but I love it.
Meanwhile, one of Angry Orange's demon seed made the rounds of cable news to decry how Democrats are vilifying his father. There was just one problem with that.


So, the sport hunter who kills critters so he can feel manly (although he knows he will never be as manly as he thinks his pussy-grabbing father is), is a chip off the old block of shit. I don't like him, and I am not alone.


Why does it look like it hurts him to smile?

Memories of father's displeasure with him during dinner? Who knows!
And where was Mike Pence through all of this? Hiding in the closet of the vice president's residence to avoid meeting any of the female staff? Holding his hand over a lit candle and trying not to cry because Mother heard he sent a memo to the lady in reception who once smiled at him? Wherever he was, Mother clearly did not approve.


Why does this seem familiar to me?

Oh. Right.
You're next, Mikey!

Mother? MOTHER?
Oh, and in case you're planning on saying that the current clusterfuck of an administration is still better than Obama's, here's a little reminder for you:


So, you know...suck it.

HADOUKEN!
Great Britain, on the other hand, has its own thing to deal with...


'Nuff said.

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And then there were tweets! And I grabbed a big ol' handful of them from Twitter to stuff in your eyeholes! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! To help you to that end, here's a bunch of commercials with Godzilla in them!


And remember:

Over and over and over and over...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco
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June 7, 2017

Teen Witch

To listen and download, click here!


Remember the 80s? Of course you do, which is why we all generally avoid looking back at it. And this week's movie is a perfect reminder of why that is a good thing.

This week, the guys watched 1989's Robyn Lively epic, Teen Witch.

Robyn is Louise, an unpopular 15-year-old who is has skipped at least one grade, and is continuously moist for the school's football hero, Brad (Dan Gauthier), who looks like a knock-off Tom Cruise. However, Brad is dating Randa (Lisa Fuller) (possibly...it's hard to tell all these girls apart), the popular girl at school.

Also, Louise is a ginger, so she is obviously evil.
Along with this, Louise has a horrible brother (Joshua John Miller), a terrible teacher (Shelley Berman) who mocks her in front of the rest of the class, and a best friend, Polly (Mandy Ingber), who is like a sad cross between Darlene from Roseanne and Blossom.
It's like she's psychic!
Polly has her own issues, as she's madly in love with some greasy Guido-type named Rhet (Noah Blake), who fancies himself a rapper. He and his two idiot friends hang around the neighborhood "rapping" at each other.

 Anyway, Louise is almost killed by Brad when he "accidentally" runs her bike off the road, and she goes looking for a phone to call someone to come pick her up. Her search leads her to the house of Madame Serena (Zelda Rubenstein), a medium who informs Louise that she is a reincarnated witch, and her powers will come out on her sixteenth birthday.
Remember how good she was in Poltergeist?
Well, forget about that now.
And those powers do come out, almost to the day, when she accidentally turns her brother into a dog.
An 80-year-old chain smoking woman trapped in a 12-year-old boy's body.
Fortunately for her, the spell is reversed when she attempts to drown him in a full bathtub, but she is suitably freaked-out enough to go find Serena and tell her what happened. Serena decides that this is the perfect time to show Louise how to make money from what looks like coal, so everything balances out, right? She also gives Louise a book of spells and a potion to help her make Brad love her, because it appears that being a witch is not nearly as tightly-controlled as you might think.

 When she tries to use the spell, it fails completely...at first. So Louise makes an attempt to help out Polly with her love interest. It results in possibly the first filmed rap battle, between Polly and Rhet. Sure, it's awful, but it is a first.
Polly' lost when Rhet hoofed her in the hoo-ha.
When the spell on Brad starts to work, he takes Louise for a ride in the country, where they visit a deserted house and play hide-and-seek for a bit, and then they...er...do other stuff. It's gross.
Tom Cruise?!
Once she gets her meat hooks into Brad, it's only a matter of time before she begins to ignore Polly, who confronts her about it. Louise insists that she would rather hang out with Polly than the vapid twats who have taken her into their clique, but Polly is having none of that; she leaves Louise standing on the football field.

 Will Louise regain Polly's trust and friendship? Will she finally realize that she can keep Brad? Will Serena convince her that the magic is no substitute for a personality, thereby motivating Louise to give up magic forever and just be herself? Or will it all be thrown out the window in order to show teen girls from the 80s that the only important thing is to be popular, no matter who gets hurt?


 Yeah, it's that last one. Still, you should listen in.

 Derek is livid about the end of this movie. There is no resolution and nobody appears to have learned anything that helps them improve themselves. He goes on at great length about this. Like, a lot. It's pretty funny.

 Larry thinks it's an awful movie, but it's fun to make fun of with friends. Really, that's about all that matters, because if you're looking for philosophy in 80s movies, you've got issues of your own. Still, give it a try!

 Jake is not at all sure he agrees with Larry about the whole "making-fun-of-it-is-fun" thing. The only thing that he feels is worth the watch is a twelve second clip where Brad's girlfriend's cousin offers Louise some weed.

 So put on your Z. Cavaricci jeans and your "Frankie Says Relax" shirt, and listen to this week's episode!
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