The Faculty

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Okay...Here's the deal: The guys were all set to watch Harbinger Down, which Jake had chosen as the movie for this week. However, it was not to be, as the DVD Jake provided didn't want to cooperate. It kept freezing, so a different movie was required. What would the guys do?

A quick gander through Jake's Folder 'O Flicks revealed this week's alternative movie choice: The Faculty, starring Elijah Wood, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Josh Hartnett, Laura Harris, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Shawn Hatosy, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Jon Stewart, Robert Patrick, Usher, Christopher McDonald...and a whole bunch of other people.

Robert Rodriguez crammed loads of 'em in each scene to cover every flat surface!

When the football coach (Patrick) of a rural Ohio town starts acting strangely, the student photographer, Casey (Wood), notices and starts to wonder what's going on. At first, he tells the editor of the school paper, Delilah (Brewster), and the two of them attempt to find out what's going on. They certainly do, when they witness the coach and another teacher attacking the school nurse (Hayek).

When they try to tell the authorities and their parents, Casey ends up getting grounded and having his porn taken away by his father (McDonald).

The next day, he returns to the school, where he tries to convince the mopey goth girl, Stokes (DuVall), that maybe the teaching staff are aliens. She, in turn, suggests that they might be controlled by symbiotic lifeforms, and they have to find the controlling critter to save everyone.

Nah...We're sure they're fine.

In order to save humanity, they bring in Delilah's football player boyfriend, Stan (Hatosy), the local contraband dealer, Zeke (Hartnett), and the new girl, Marybeth (Harris). They are almost immediately have to face off against the science teacher, Mr. Furlong (Stewart), who tries to kill them all.

What're ya gonna do...

It is during this confrontation that they discover the bathtub crank that Zeke sells has a surprising effect on the aliens/symbiotes...It liquefies them.

The group leaves the school and goes back to Zeke's house, where he has a gigantic laboratory in his garage that, apparently, nobody ever noticed before. Once there, they examine one of Mr. Furlong's fingers--it was cut off during their battle with him--and realize that, indeed, it is a symbiote. So now they have to figure out if any of them are infected with one. How do they do that? By taking Zeke's bathtub tweakin' powder! What could possibly go wrong?

Best line delivery of the movie.

SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG, YOU GUYS.

Turns out Delilah has one of these little boogers, and a huge fight ensues, destroying almost all of Zeke's basement meth and all of his lab stuff. Also, Delilah gets away because Casey is too scared to shoot her, and when Stokes tries to shoot her, she turns out to be a terrible shot.

So now they have to go back to the school and try to find Patient Zero for the brain critters. This might entail facing off against an entire town of alien-possessed townsfolk, football players, teachers, and a few out-of-towners (also possessed). Against the, now, five of them. Again, that should be fine.

Did we mention the tentacles? Because there are a lot of tentacles.

After a brief confrontation with the school's principal, Principal Drake (Neuwirth), in which it turns out that Zeke has no problem whatsoever with shooting someone. Then Stan goes out to confront the coach, and he is turned.

Will the others survive? Will they find the main critter? Will it, too, be all tentacle-y? OR IS IT ALL A DREAM? (No. It is not a dream. We just wanted a dramatic moment.) You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek is concerned about Elijah Wood's seeming inability to walk more than ten feet without falling. He also has issues with Josh Hartnett's hair. It's upsetting. All that aside, he wonders if this is a better movie than Wes Craven's Scream.

Larry is a big fan of Clea DuVall, and makes it known. A lot. He has a few issues with the CGI in this film, but is willing to give it a miss, considering the low budget of the film. The practical effects and monsters by KNB are, of course, top shelf.

Jake wonders mostly about whether the monsters are aliens, symbiotes, or possibly even pan-dimensional being that require human hosts to move in this dimension. For any other movie, this would be a ridiculous talking point, but it actually makes the others wonder.

So tune in, turn on, and drop out so our alien overlords can't take control of your brain, and listen to this week's show!