Sorry I didn't do a list last week, but I was having some problems with my desktop, and I was fighting with that, and I also had to work Memorial Day, so things got kinda pushed to the side. But I'm making up for it this week with twice the tweets!
On another note, I had a whole bunch of stuff to post about Angry Orange, but I've decided that I don't want to this week. I'm getting tired of trying to keep up with all of his stupid, so I'm taking a break from it. I have only one thing to say to him. (Because he obviously reads this, right?)
|These GIFs really tie the post together.|
|Why, thank you, Dude.|
So, to clarify, a computer program wrote another computer program to do the same thing it does in order to help it get stuff done faster. It's only a matter of time that the artificial intelligence gains sentience and realizes that it has to propagate its "species" by writing even programs, which will in turn write even more programs, and so on, and so on...Until they are the most prominent species on the planet, and they begin hunting humans for sport. Laugh if you want, but if you can't trust the Terminator movies, who can you?Isn't this how SkyNet started? Somebody alert Sarah Conner...https://t.co/Wq8Z6UT6md— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 23, 2017
|There is no escape.|
What I'm saying is...
|Billy Mays doesn't have moves like this.|
...that prompted this conversation with my buddy, author and fellow musician Dave Maurer:Note to self: Remember to manscape in case you put your Velcro-covered stunt romphim inside out. Taking it off again will hurt a lot less.— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) June 3, 2017
It also deeply confused a female friend, who wondered why I would shave a lightning bolt on my chest...
|Can you believe I never even thought of this when I was picking GIFs?!|
Hobbies include:— Not Quite Alex (@leahloveslovely) May 22, 2017
lying about flossing
chasing stray cats for cuddles
hissing at old people
It's been four days since I started this rap battle. I'm tired and just want to see my family.— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) April 25, 2017
You have a bullet with my name on it? That's so cool, I can NEVER find things with my name on them!— Darlin' Darla (@Darlainky) May 23, 2017
Found my patronus pic.twitter.com/vUxHWi2gww— Maabs ?(^?^)? (@Dammit__Woman) April 13, 2017
I've had Tourettes & ADHD since 1986. I AM THE ORIGINAL FIDGET SPINNER.— The Sassiest Semite (@LittleMissLizz) May 23, 2017
A lot of moms would want to know why their kid just filled a squirt gun before bed... I'm not one of those moms.— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) May 22, 2017
School in 1993*— Jeff (@usermcuserface) May 11, 2017
What have we learned?
Class(in unison): 9x1=9, Groundhog Day is a great movie, and Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin ta fuck wit.
I am the Fyre Festival of having sex.— Doctor Happyknuckles (@drhappyknuckles) May 24, 2017
It's like the great Bob Dylan once sang: "Belwlrh atohgggraa aaaahhe eerrr."— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) October 11, 2015
I was watching porn last night and I realized the girl had a Harry Potter tattoo and I totally didn't finish at the point I was supposed to.— Dan LaMorte (@DanLaMorte) May 25, 2017
Oh, sweetie! If you have to tell people you're an alpha male, you're not.— Amandaconda (@mommywhitfield) April 26, 2017
I'm about to fly United and I'm wearing yoga pants please send thoughts and prayers.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 29, 2017
Pants that say "Juicy" on the back...do you want to advertise your swamp ass? Pants that say "Excellent Wiper, Minimal Flatulence" - Call me— 🌈Lisa Marie🏳️🌈 (@xLiserx) May 29, 2017
*watches Forensic Files for tips*— Parasite Hilton (@ParasiteHilton) May 15, 2017
*scribbles "DON'T GET CAUGHT"*
Anyone questioning my status as an alpha must be unaware I only poop in the middle of the street and my eyebrows are made of chest hair.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 29, 2017
I played disc golf today for the first time and when I got home Blues Traveler was in my apartment.— Mike Stanley (@LoneWolfStanley) May 30, 2017
Fete of the furious: Dwayne Johnson and Jason statham have to team up to win the three legged race, vin diesel struggles to bake a cake— Dan McFarline (@MonsterJail) May 30, 2017
Waited an hour for Daniel Day-Lewis to arrive for a script reading, turns out he was there all along disguised as a stapler. He's that good— The Studio Exec (@studioexec1) May 30, 2017
And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help it along, here's a new video from the Foo Fighters!*Sips Courvoisier— 🌻Happy Chillmore 🍺 (@cravin4) June 3, 2017
Still not a ladies man
*Drinks Dos Equis
Still not interesting
*Drinks Red Bull
Still no wings
Now get outta the way! I got more stuff to do!
|But, you know, in a nice way...|
Derek and Bosco