June 7, 2017

Teen Witch

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Remember the 80s? Of course you do, which is why we all generally avoid looking back at it. And this week's movie is a perfect reminder of why that is a good thing.

This week, the guys watched 1989's Robyn Lively epic, Teen Witch.

Robyn is Louise, an unpopular 15-year-old who is has skipped at least one grade, and is continuously moist for the school's football hero, Brad (Dan Gauthier), who looks like a knock-off Tom Cruise. However, Brad is dating Randa (Lisa Fuller) (possibly...it's hard to tell all these girls apart), the popular girl at school.

Also, Louise is a ginger, so she is obviously evil.
Along with this, Louise has a horrible brother (Joshua John Miller), a terrible teacher (Shelley Berman) who mocks her in front of the rest of the class, and a best friend, Polly (Mandy Ingber), who is like a sad cross between Darlene from Roseanne and Blossom.


It's like she's psychic!
Polly has her own issues, as she's madly in love with some greasy Guido-type named Rhet (Noah Blake), who fancies himself a rapper. He and his two idiot friends hang around the neighborhood "rapping" at each other.

Anyway, Louise is almost killed by Brad when he "accidentally" runs her bike off the road, and she goes looking for a phone to call someone to come pick her up. Her search leads her to the house of Madame Serena (Zelda Rubenstein), a medium who informs Louise that she is a reincarnated witch, and her powers will come out on her sixteenth birthday.


Remember how good she was in Poltergeist?
Well, forget about that now.
And those powers do come out, almost to the day, when she accidentally turns her brother into a dog.


An 80-year-old chain smoking woman trapped in a 12-year-old boy's body.
Fortunately for her, the spell is reversed when she attempts to drown him in a full bathtub, but she is suitably freaked-out enough to go find Serena and tell her what happened. Serena decides that this is the perfect time to show Louise how to make money from what looks like coal, so everything balances out, right? She also gives Louise a book of spells and a potion to help her make Brad love her, because it appears that being a witch is not nearly as tightly-controlled as you might think.

When she tries to use the spell, it fails completely...at first. So Louise makes an attempt to help out Polly with her love interest. It results in possibly the first filmed rap battle, between Polly and Rhet. Sure, it's awful, but it is a first.

Polly' lost when Rhet hoofed her in the hoo-ha.
When the spell on Brad starts to work, he takes Louise for a ride in the country, where they visit a deserted house and play hide-and-seek for a bit, and then they...er...do other stuff. It's gross.

Tom Cruise?!
Once she gets her meat hooks into Brad, it's only a matter of time before she begins to ignore Polly, who confronts her about it. Louise insists that she would rather hang out with Polly than the vapid twats who have taken her into their clique, but Polly is having none of that; she leaves Louise standing on the football field.

Will Louise regain Polly's trust and friendship? Will she finally realize that she can keep Brad? Will Serena convince her that the magic is no substitute for a personality, thereby motivating Louise to give up magic forever and just be herself? Or will it all be thrown out the window in order to show teen girls from the 80s that the only important thing is to be popular, no matter who gets hurt?


Yeah, it's that last one. Still, you should listen in.

Derek is livid about the end of this movie. There is no resolution and nobody appears to have learned anything that helps them improve themselves. He goes on at great length about this. Like, a lot. It's pretty funny.

Larry thinks it's an awful movie, but it's fun to make fun of with friends. Really, that's about all that matters, because if you're looking for philosophy in 80s movies, you've got issues of your own. Still, give it a try!

Jake is not at all sure he agrees with Larry about the whole "making-fun-of-it-is-fun" thing. The only thing that he feels is worth the watch is a twelve second clip where Brad's girlfriend's cousin offers Louise some weed.

So put on your Z. Cavaricci jeans and your "Frankie Says Relax" shirt, and listen to this week's episode!