Re-View: Invasion U.S.A. (1952)

To listen/download, click here!

Dateline, 1952! The Red Scare takes hold of the country! McCarthyism is on the rise, as Senator Joseph McCarthy prepares to begin his witch-hunt for supposed Communist sympathizers working withing the government, and then beyond!

In Hollywood, many are black-balled from working due to their ties to Communism! But not the folks in this little number, which features Gerald Mohr, Peggie Castle, Tom Kennedy, Dan O'Herlihy, Robert Bice, Erik Blythe, and not one, but two Lois Lanes! (Noel Neill and Phyllis Coates!)

And almost all of them drink their lunch away, because it's the goddamn fifties!

Yeah, the guys sat down to re-watch Invasion U.S.A., a propaganda film from 1952 that asks the question, what if some vaguely East European Communist country invaded the United States? And if this movie is any indicator, it involves lots of booze, breakfasts of coffee and cigarettes, and tiny generals who look like Kevin Pollock. You can read about and listen to the guys' original podcast here. (Jake wasn't there for it.)

And so, rather than go over the entire story again--basically, these booze hounds watch the invasion on the bar TV, and then, one-by-one, are picked off by Commie soldiers dressed in U.S. military outfits--they're going to discuss some of the more disturbing things they saw.

Such as Tim the bartender's weird, lumpy head.

First off, one of the things the guys noticed was the abundance of World War II stock footage of dogfights and planes crashing into the ocean and various ships. While that adds a solid amount of realism to the look of the film, it is also very clear that a lot of people died unaware that their deaths would be used as a political entertainment. It's almost as disturbing as the cow that was blatantly murdered onscreen in Atomic War Bride. But at least these guys were fighting for their countries.

In between stock shots, actors dressed as soldiers shot each other in the junk.

Then there's Vince and Carla's brief but fiery romance. As best as the guys can tell, Vince met Carla at the bar around lunchtime on a weekday. Not long after, the first enemy planes are spotted over Alaska. When the bar clears out almost completely so each of the patrons can go home to their families or, in the case of George, the guy who brought Carla there in the first place, to his factory, Vince and Carla stick around and let romance bloom. (Although the moment was almost ruined when a paperboy showed up. Best walk-on ever. Watch the movie embedded below, or just start it at about 28:07; it lasts about twenty seconds, but is so worth it.)

Sometime later that day(?), Carla has become a Red Cross nurse, and Vince has spent the intervening time trying to enlist, although he keeps getting refused. It appears to be minutes later when they are smoking their breakfast (or possibly just a late afternoon post-coital protein refill) and discussing what they intend to do for the rest of their lives, which, at this pace, will be about fifteen to twenty more minutes. And not long after that, Vince is reading the news on the radio as the studio is taken over by the vaguely East European Communists. In a few short seconds, he is whisked back to Carla's place by a pair of alcoholic enemy soldiers. When one of them makes a play for Carla, Vince intervenes, only to be shot. Carla, taking the initiative, jumps out the window, ending her life. All in what appears to be less than twenty-four hours. And you think your schedule is hectic!

All dead, in hilariously dramatic fashion.

And what about the others? George and Ed (the "cattle racer"?) hire a cab when Lois Lane won't sell them airline tickets, and drive first to George's factory, where he is quickly dispatched by the tiny window cleaner guy who also happens to be a general in the Communist army. Ed and the cabbie then drive from New York to Arizona, where Ed lives with his family, in roughly twenty-five minutes. Unfortunately, as fast as that cab is, it isn't fast enough to outrun the flood caused by bombing the Hoover Dam, killing Ed, his family, and the cabdriver.

All because some creepy German-sounding hypnotist thought it would be a hoot to show these souses what it would be like if the country were invaded by the Commies. The only one who was pretty much left unaffected, at least until a building fell on him, was Tim the bartender. He was content to keep pouring drinks and yelling at the TV. Just like Derek's grandmother used to.

She used to have the same expression as Mr. Ohman, too.

But what about the others? Senator whatsisface? The loud guy who laughed too hard at himself? His embarrassed friends? You don't have to tune in to find out; they all died, as well. But if you want to, you can listen.

Jake was pleasantly surprised, and not just because there was no Chuck Norris beating people up in this one. He actually quite enjoyed it, comparing it to Rod Serling's work. Not too shabby!

Derek still digs it. As before, he cannot figure out why this made it to Mystery Science Theater 3000, because it's really not a bad movie, if you can get behind the sort of goofy premise.

Larry also still enjoyed it. He can't wrap his head around the cab driver and the tiny general looking like the same guy (it's not; we checked), but he wouldn't let that get in the way of enjoying it again.

Want to watch the movie? Here ya go!

So have a drink, have another...You know what? Just leave the bottle. And check out this week's episode!

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (Director's Cut)

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, the guys were short a person (Jake was on vacation, camping with his family), so it was left to Derek and Larry to slog their way through this week's movie, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Majel Barrett, Persis Khambatta, Stephen Collins, Grace Lee Whitney, and Mark Lenard.

Hot on the heels of the record-shattering box office of Star Wars, the folks at Paramount were looking for their own science fiction epic to rake in some of those sweet, sweet nerd dollars. And after trying and failing to bring their old franchise back to the small screen, it was decided to put it on the big screen. Budgets were made, then slashed. The old cast was re-hired, although Leonard Nimoy was not too keen on donning the pointy ears of years past, some new characters were added, and detailed models were built. Finally, filming began...

And, although it was almost painfully long, it still managed to bring in a pretty solid chunk of change. It wasn't Star Wars money, but it was clear that the army of the original television show were excited to see the further adventures of the Enterprise crew.

This adventure begins with a cloud. A big cloud. like, really big. And some Klingons. But not the Klingons of yesteryear; no, these Klingons had a whole new look, with ridges on their foreheads and severely receding hairlines, giving them the appearance of an irritated grandpa who doesn't understand that rock-and-roll music the kids seem to like these days.

True to form, the Klingons encounter the cloud and determine that the best way to deal with it is to shoot it with torpedoes, as one does. Unfortunately for them, the could basically swallows their torpedoes and retaliates with a murderous disco ball of sparks, instantly destroying all three of their ships.

Not just a cloud; A murderous space vagina!

Space Station Epsilon Nine intercepts the Klingons' transmission of the cloud attacking them, and they decide that they should probably warn the United Federation of Planets, being as the cloud is heading right for Earth. In turn, the Federation nominates the U.S.S. Enterprise to save the planet--again--because there are no other ships within range--again.

Admiral James T. Kirk (Shatner), sick of pushing papers at a desk all day, meets with his superior and demands to have the Enterprise given back to him, which, of course, happens. Now all he has to do is break it to the current captain, William Decker (Stephen Collins), who does not take the news well. He takes it even worse when Kirk informs him that, along with being demoted, he has to stick around as the Executive Officer.

And the finger pointing begins!

During Kirk and Decker's conversation, the transporter fails during a beam up of a pair of new crewmen, including Sonak (Jon Rashad Kamal), now-Captain Kirk's choice for Science Officer. As a result, the now demoted Commander Decker is also given double duty as the ship's acting Science Officer. Poor guy gets all the garbage dumped on him. But things improve for him when Ilia (Khambatta), the ship's new Deltan navigator, arrives. It seems she and Decker have a past of some kind.

Over on Vulcan, Spock (Nimoy) is taking part in the Kholinar ritual, which involves cleansing one's self of all emotion and becoming pure logic, or something like that. However, as he is about to be confirmed, he stops the ceremony because he is getting some kind of signal from somewhere out in space. He fails Kholinar.

The last crew member to arrive on the Enterprise before they leave is Dr. McCoy (Kelley), who is his usual cranky, possibly drunk self.

That guy on the left should really think about bangs.

Finally off and moving toward the cloud, Kirk demands they go to warp speed, which, due to an imbalance in the warp engines, immediately drags them into a wormhole with an asteroid that has the potential to destroy them before they even get out of the solar system. Decker saves the day, and Scotty (Doohan) is left to clean up the mess.

Not long after, the Enterprise is contacted by a Vulcan shuttle that drops Spock off. He's been listening to their communications and has figured out how to fix the warp engines, thereby cutting off one of Kirk's many options to kill as many crewmen as possible all at once. He is recommissioned and given the Science Officer position, relieving Decker of at least a little bit of the hassle he's had heaped upon him since Kirk took over. Time to get moving!

After what feels like hours of meandering shots of the Enterprise cruising along, they finally intercept the cloud, which is now only two days from Earth. As they try to make contact, the cloud sends a murderous disco ball after them. Fortunately, Spock figures out how to communicate with the cloud and transmits a peaceful message, and the cloud makes the disco ball disappear. Taking this as a tacit invitation, the Enterprise proceeds into the cloud.

Another mess for Scotty to clean up.

Almost immediately, a probe made of lightning and blinky lights boards the bridge and begins scanning the computers. Spock smashes his station's console in an attempt to stop it, which sort of works, although the probe zaps Spock and the disintegrates Ilia. Seconds later, the ship automatically goes to red alert again when an alien object appears in the crewmen's quarters. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker and Rand (Whitney) all go down to see what it is, because that seems like a safe idea. They discover an android--another probe--that looks almost exactly like Ilia, but with a monitoring device mounted on its throat. Although it isn't Ilia, it still appears to have some her memories, as it recognizes Decker, which leads to Kirk assigning Decker to keep an eye on it.

Now deep inside the cloud, the ship is forced to stop in front of a closed aperture. Spock decides he has to see what's beyond that, so he takes an EV suit with a rocket pack on it, and then he heads out into the cloud to see. He makes it through the aperture, and discovers an enormous memory bank that contains all the things the cloud, which is known as V'ger, has seen. At the end of it, Spock sees a giant representation of the probe and attempts a mind-meld, which does not go well; he gets pooped out of the aperture and has to be rescued by Kirk.

Persis Khambatta: Committed to indifference.

Back on the ship, the Ilia probe explains that V'ger is going to Earth to find its creator and, because it is clear the humans on the planet are an infestation that is causing the creator to not be able to respond, it's going to wipe those out, too. Thinkingt fast, Kirk says he known who the creator is, and would be happy to tell V'ger himself, but the Ilia probe refuses, demanding to be given the information. When Kirk further refuses and clears the bridge, the Ilia probe concedes and offers to take Kirk and his crew to meet V'ger.

But what is V'ger? And will Kirk manage to convince it not to kill everybody? Will Spock get the information he came looking for? Will McCoy and Scotty sober up enough to remember any of this happening? And will Decker get to do the one thing with the Ilia probe that he couldn't do with the real Ilia--touch them space boobies?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was not impressed. It was a long movie that didn't really do much. Most of it was people staring at things, with occasional shots of the things they were staring at, mixed with bits of dialog. Dull, plodding dialog. But it's funny to imagine McCoy being hammered the entire time.

Derek also doesn't think it's a very good film, but he is fascinated that Kirk manages to maintain his rank despite his insatiable blood lust. The guy was responsible for two crewmen dying before they even got out of space dock! Also, Derek talks about sitting in the Captain's Chair, which deserves the capital letters.

That's right...This happened. (The Star Wars shirt was done intentionally, as a joke.)

So strap on your pointy ears, throckulate your perambulators (or the 21st century equivalent), live long and prosper, and listen this week's episode!

Re-View: Nightbreed

To listen/download, click here!

In November of 2015, Derek and Jake watched Clive Barker's Nightbreed, expecting Barker's rich, dark story of a man whose serial killer psychiatrist gets him killed, only to have him return as one of a mysterious group of beings known as the Nightbreed, explode across the screen. And while that was pretty much the story, it didn't so much "explode" as it did fizzle with kind of a wet fart noise. You can listen to the original show here.

This doesn't help! I can still smell it!

We could rehash the cast, but the only recognizable name would be director David Cronenberg, who did not direct this movie (Barker did), choosing instead to be the serial killer psychiatrist, Dr. Decker. He's messing with Boone (played by some dumb guy), whom Decker has convinced that Boone is the serial killer. When Boone gets committed, meets a guy who rips his own scalp off, and then runs off to find the mystical land of Midian, which is, for some reason, located under a cemetery in the middle of nowhere, the police and Decker track Boone there and kill him. Like, a lot. But not before he finds Midian, and it is not magical. It is, in fact, kinda bitey and mean, One of its denizens--a Rastafarian demon of some kind--bites Boone and makes him a Nightbreed.

Boone's girlfriend Lori (played by a poodle-haired bland woman), meanwhile, is trying to find out what happened to him. When she is visited by the police and asked to identify Boone's body, she stares blandly at it for a while and leaves. Almost immediately after that, Boone comes back to life and once again heads to the cemetery, where he meets some of the people there. They seem fun!

I told you, kid...The McFlurry machine is broken!

Lori meets up with a woman as she searches for Boone, whom she discovered is alive again, and the two of them go to the cemetery where Boone was killed. The woman gets killed by Boone's shrink, and Lori gets inside Midian, where she meets a Gypsy woman and her Chupacabra child, Mac Tonight, and the Rastafarian guy, who wants to bite her, too. But Boone appears and saves her!

From this point, it gets more confusing, and hard to follow. The one interesting character--Decker--hardly gets any screen time, despite his cool mask, and the rest of the cast talks silliness and jibber-jabber of the quality and quantity Mr. T would prefer to not have.

A visual example of just such jibber-jabber. Come. On.

Instead, we are forced to pretend we care about some of the most unlikable characters ever committed to film. And when it is clear that inundating the viewer with countless scenes of the Rastafarian guy yelling at everyone is not bringing on the sympathy, a gaggle of hillbillies (sanctioned by the local police) mounts an offensive on Midian, because they had the nerve to look different.

Where is the movie about this guy's journey?!

The hillbillies, armed to the gills by the police, show up and start shooting and blowing up anything that moves. Naturally, the inhabitants of Midian do not appreciate this, and they start attacking right the heck back, releasing horrible monsters that start tearing the hillbillies to shreds. It's pretty entertaining, in that respect.

But will they win? Will Boone and Lori get back together and work out the complications of sex between a consenting woman and her consenting corpse of a boyfriend?

Put your thing in my thing and do things, but don't let your rotting, desiccated
thing fall of while it's in my thing! 

And will that moon-faced guy ever get his chin worked on? Also, why is David Cronenberg acting?! He should be directing! You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry is not impressed with this one. He did not care for the actors, the story, the editing, the sets, the makeup...Any of it, really. And he has every right to be unimpressed. This is garbage.

Jake used to love this movie when he was a kid. Older now, he has seen the error of his ways and has come to the conclusion that this is, as noted above, garbage. It's choppy and just awful.

Derek hates everything except Mac Tonight's makeup. And the Chupacabra daughter. The rest is a mish-mash of poorly edited uselessness. Nobody is good in this, and it's stupid and dumb and he hates it.

So, rather than subject yourself to the movie itself, learn from the guys' mistake in watching it twice and check out this week's episode!

Knights of Badassdom

To listen/download, click here!

Before we get started, there is a section at the end of the podcast where Derek talks about a shirt he had made with his pal Troy Parker's face on it. He explains why and also the interest from others about having one for themselves. So he made a group order form at CustomInk for anybody who wanted to order one. (His big hope is to have at least one of you out there buy one and then send us a picture of you wearing it, because Troy would get a kick out of it.) Anyway, here's the shirt:

Do not let Derek's large head sticking out of it
distract you from the shirt's awesomeness.

So, if you want one, please click the link above. And send us a pic when you get it! Now on with the show...

Larry couldn't make it to this week's recording session, so Derek and Jake had to pull a movie out of their collective behinds to watch because they couldn't do a Re-View without all three of them there. Fortunately, Jake had one at the ready, in the event of just such a situation: Knights of Badassdom, starring Ryan Kwanten, Steve Zahn, Summer Glau and Peter freakin' Dinklage! Not to mention Jimmi Simpson, Danny Pudi, Brian Posehn, Josh Molina and countless others.

A group of LARPers (Live Action Role Players) is playing a campaign in the forest, and the group's wizard, Eric (Zahn), is about to reveal the cool old spell book he bought on eBay, but the ceremony is interrupted by a group of paintballers who attack them and chase them off. One of them picks up Eric's book, which was dropped in the melee, and looks inside. The book attacks him, leaving printing tattooed on his face. then it disappears and reappears in Eric's van.

The next day, we meet Joe (Kwanten). He is living what he believes to be his best life. He has a job he likes, good friends and a girlfriend (Margarita Levieva as Beth) he loves enough to write Doom Metal songs about. But when Beth breaks it off with him because she thinks he isn't doing enough with his life, Joe takes an immediate downward turn and goes home to write power ballads while he drinks himself into a stupor.

Beth: The cause of all the problems. AL OF THEM.

Fortunately, Eric and Hung (Dinklage), Joe's two best friends, sympathize with him and decide what he really needs is a distraction. In the form of enough weed and whiskey to make him pass out so they can dress him in armor and take him to a big LARPing festival going on that weekend.

When Joe comes back around he is only moderately surprised to find himself at the festival, but still isn't happy about it. Eric and Hung explain that they brought him there so he can have some fun, and he relents. All that needs to happen now is for the host, Ronnie (Simpson), to allow Joe to participate, which might be a problem because Joe once caught Ronnie masturbating to a D&D Monster Manual and told everybody about it. Ronnie agrees, but says that they have to resurrect Joe's old character with a spell that will transfer a different former player's "life force" to Joe. Eric agrees, hoping it will allow him to become a 27th-level wizard.

Ronnie never got the hang of the Vulcan salute, so he became a LARPer.

A pentagram is made, Joe is placed in it, and Eric pulls out his new spell book, singing the words from a random page.  When a jewel on the spine of the book starts to glow, Joe starts to worry, and rightly so, because it turns out that the spell Eric is singing is meant to call a lesser demon to Earth. Oh, and the book is a real spell book written by an actual wizard hundreds of years ago. This is why you should always be aware of eBay's return policy.

Joe is concerned, but the others are less so, especially Hung, who has taken a bunch of mushrooms and is ready to fight. Eric is more concerned with becoming a 27th-level wizard, as well as trying to sell contraband actual medieval-style weapons out of the back of his van. And Ronnie just wants the campaign to go well.

And Gunther (Bret Gipson) wants to slay monsters.

At first, nobody notices when one of Ronnie's guys disappears. They start to get suspicious when a female "sprite" (formerly a "faerie") is killed, and someone who looks just like Beth is found eating her throat. But when Ronnie and another LARPer, Lando (Dani Pudi) sees Demon Beth kill Hung, they tell Eric, Joe, Gunther and Gwen (Glau), who take matters into their own hands and call the police. Well, Eric, Joe and Gwen do. Gunther runs off into the woods, ready to make battle with evil. He's an odd guy.

It turns out the police are the guys who attacked Eric's group with paintballs at the beginning of the movie, and they want to really take the LARPers down hard, so they gear-up and head down toward the park.

At the same time, Eric decides that, since the spell book brought the demon out, maybe he can sing it back to wherever it came from. So they track Demon Beth down and he sings at her. Unfortunately, he sings the wrong spell, causing her to turn into Abominog, a Hell Lord.

You've changed, Beth...

Ronnie takes a look at the book and realizes that it is written in the ancient language and tries to find the correct spell to send the monster back. The roar of the beast awakens Ronnie's minions, who think the big Battle of Nevermore is supposed to start, so they get up and take the truck with a papier-mâché dragon mounted on it out to the field, where the other LARPers are preparing for battle,

The monster arrives at the same time as the dragon truck, and the monster quickly destroys it. While they watch, Joe takes a moment to ask Gwen out on a date, because timing is everything. But will they be alive later to go out? Will Ronnie find the right spell? And what about the paintball guys? Will they save the day?

No, they will not.

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek was pleasantly surprised. He really liked this one, but really...how can you not? He is also certain that Steve Zahn is some sort of ageless immortal. And Peter Dinklage can do no wrong.

Jake is also a fan. He has seen this movie numerous times, and he was waiting for just the right moment to spring it on the guys.  He is also a big fan of Dinklage, who, again, can do no wrong.

Larry watched the movie at home and told the guys he liked it a lot, although he had a few issues with it. He straight-up hates the "gorilla gang," a group of guys in cheap green gorilla suits.

So grab your Bag of Holding and your foam sword, don your Cloak of Power, and check out this week's episode!

Re-View: Armageddon

To listen/download, click here!

Something like eighty years ago, two-thirds of the guys got together to watch Michael Bay threaten to destroy the world (again), in the form of the movie Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan, Will Patton, Willian Fichtner, Owen Wilson, Peter Stormare, Ken Campbell, Keith David, and host of other well-known actors.

Bored gargoyle is bored.

Unfortunately, due to a weather issue at the time, Jake couldn't make it to the recording of the original show (which you can listen to here), so it was left to Derek and Larry to sit through this incredibly mediocre film. But now we've fixed that with the first Here Be Spoilers Re-View, where the guys re-watch four films that one (or more) of them couldn't be there for the first time around! And, boy howdy, is it a good thing Jake could make it this time, because he had a lot to say about it.

Anyway...

A giant asteroid is hurtling toward Earth, which is incredibly inconvenient, because that's where we keep all of our stuff. And so, it is up to Billy Bob Thornton, a NASA bigwig, to figure out how to stop the asteroid from hitting the planet and killing everything. Even puppies and kittens! Stupid asteroid.

After all plans are shot down as "unrealistic," it is decided that training a team from an oil platform (Bruce Willis and company) to fly up to the asteroid, drill a hole in it and drop a nuclear bomb in there to blow the whole thing in half is the best thing they could come up with. Go ahead and read that sentence again and let it sink in. We'll wait.

The Wrong Stuff.

So NASA sends people out to bring the crew to Washington, D.C., to teach them how to make a hole in something that isn't full of oil. After a whopping eight days of training, they are all tossed into a couple of shuttles and launched into space, where they will first connect with a Russian space station to fuel for the rest of their journey. Within minutes, Ben Affleck causes the space station to explode, almost taking both of the shuttles with it. They don't have all the fuel they were supposed to get, and they kidnapped the one inhabitant of the station (Peter Stormare).

Lev is not putting up with your shenanigans.

The next part of the trip involves a slingshot maneuver around the moon so they can sneak up on the asteroid(?) and land on it so they can make the hole. Poor navigational choices result in one of the shuttles crash-landing, leaving only Affleck, Duncan and Stormare alive. The other shuttle lands twenty-six miles last the spot they were supposed to, meaning they will have to drill in a spot where they are definitely going to have a hard time, because Michael Bay thinks getting things done the easy way is for whimps. They unload their drill--the Armadillo--and start drilling, breaking stuff on the machine almost instantly.

Over at the other shuttle's crash site, Affleck, Stormare and Duncan are determined to find the other crew and make a hole in something. To temporarily satiate Affleck's hole-making jones, he uses a machine gun inexplicably mounted on this piece of outer space drilling equipment, to make a giant hole in the side of what is left of their shuttle. Then off they go, searching for the others.

Gunfire in a pure oxygen environment? Okay!

Back at the main site, Steve Buscemi goes slightly insane and starts shooting things up with their own drill-mounted machine gun, and gets duct taped to a chair for his troubles. A quick call from Earth gives William Fichtner permission to wave a gun around at people and try to detonate the nuke before they have a deep enough hole where it will be effective. Bruce Willis, who it seems is not a fan of being all exploded for no reason, objects and convinced Fichtner to wait until they make the hole deep enough.

Still nowhere near the drilling site, Affleck's group finds itself with a conundrum: there is a big old canyon they have to cross, but there are no convenient bridges nearby. Obviously, they need to get across, but how? well, duh! You "Dukes of Hazzard" it across, you stupid moron! Wow. How dumb can you be?

We're sorry. We're just lashing out at the overwhelming dopiness of this film.

This is real the reason we're mad.

Anyway, Affleck and Stormare get the Armadillo ready for the jump, while Duncal straps in and says the Lord's Prayer over and over. And then they're off!

At the main site, things are going pretty good, but still taking a lot of time. And then tragedy strikes! Again! This time, it's a gas pocket that causes an explosion, sending that crew's Armadillo floating off into space...with Ken Campbell still inside! What are they gonna do now?!

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake, who was not there for the original show, is glad he missed it the first time. It is dumb. All kinds of dumb. But it's a fun kind of dumb, although the romantic story between Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck is completely unnecessary. Man, is this movie dumb!

Larry is not happy because this movie is way too long. By his conservative estimation, a solid forty-five minutes could have been cut from this film and made it much more watchable, and that specifically includes cutting the Affleck/Tyler animal cracker bit.

Derek agrees with both of them, in that it was too long and also stupid. As an added bonus, he's pretty certain you could replace the entire cast with the cast of The Office and dramatically improve the quality of the film. Who would Dwight play, though?

So put on your space suit, fire up that annoying Aerosmith song, and listen this week's episode!

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

To listen/download, click here!

Oh, Lloyd Kaufman...What would we do without your Troma Pictures and your Toxic Avengerses and your Classes of Nuke 'Em Highseses? As much, much younger people, we at the Here Be Spoilers Podcast used to enjoy your kookie hijinks, goofy songs and disgustingly graphic gore. To be honest, we still sorta do. And we can't help but notice, Lloyd...Lloyd? Are you still listening? As we were saying, Lloyd, we couldn't help but notice that the quality of the dialogue is improving. But that's about it.

Such is the case with this episode's movie, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. It's the story of a man and the love he has for a woman, and the love she has for another woman, and the Native American spirit-possessed zombie chickens who want to kill all of them and their friends in a fast food restaurant that is built on an ancient burial ground. You know...That old story.

The man, such as he is, is recent high school graduate Arbie (Jason Yachanin), who is quickly established as a talented dry-humper by his girlfriend, Wendy (Kate Graham), as they vigorously make out in the aforementioned burial ground as the movie opens. As things get more intense, they decide to forego clothes and just have at it. As they do, a number of hands pop out of the ground and begin to grope both of them, and neither appears concerned, even when one of the mysterious hands sticks a finger in Arbie's butt so deeply that it breaks off inside. Arbie's cool with it, and it seems to help his mood. Said mood, however, is quickly destroyed when Wendy spies a man (John Karyus) with an ax in one hand and his junk in the other. The axe hand isn't too busy, but the other is going to town, ruining the passion for our two teen heroes. Wendy runs off, Arbie yells at the guy for screwing up the moment, and the guy keeps crankin' his hog, choosing to sniff Arbie's left-behind underwear over Wendy's. Strange dude.

Four years later, Arbie visits town and finds an American Chicken Bunker restaurant opening in the same location. He also sees that there is a huge protest being organized by a lesbian organization called C.L.A.M. (Collegiate Lesbians Against Mega-conglomerations), of which he discovers Wendy is now a member. As is Wendy's new girlfriend, Micki (Allyson Sereboff), who is prepared to kick Arbie's ass. Arbie, distraught that his former girlfriend now prefers women, storms into the store, demanding a job from the manager, Denny (Joshua Olatunde), who hires Arbie as the new "counter girl". (He assures Arbie this is just a "term of endearment," but when Arbie is given his uniform, it is clearly a Girl Scout-sort of uniform with a tutu and, for some reason, a thong.) Thus Arbie enters the world of fast food!

Our heroes...?

Among his new co-workers are Jose Paco Bell (Khalid Rivera), Humus (Rose Ghavami) and Carl Jr. (Caleb Emerson), whose love of cooking chicken is matched only by his love of having sex with those chickens before they are unthawed and fried. Also, Carl Jr. looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell. And his buttcrack ends somewhere between his shoulder blades. We wish we didn't know that, but he has a tendency to display entirely too much bike rack throughout the movie.

Anyway, Denny opens the store, and their first "customer" is Crazy Ron (Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy), who comes in to yell a dire warning to everybody there. It's mostly incoherent, and we have speculated that Ron Jeremy had not been cast in the movie, but just happened to be there and thought he was in a real restaurant, and when this happened, director Lloyd Kaufman had the camera roll anyway, hoping to catch something he could use. But other than Ron, nobody else wants to come in, and Denny is distraught, worrying he has thrown away his grandmother's money on a place nobody wants to go to.

Remember to che your food.

In the kitchen, Paco is preparing some of the meat (grinding chicken heads and claws into a meat-like paste) while Humus does her hourly prayer by the time clock. When Paco decides to add some "spacial sauce" (yes, it's exactly as gross as you are imagining), a frozen possessed chicken attacks and pushes him into the grinder, spraying the kitchen, and the praying Humus, with blood and entrails.

At the same time, American Chicken Bunker owner General Lee Roy (Robin L. Watkins) arrives with several dancers and the company's mascot, a guy in a chicken suit, to see how the opening is going. He and Denny go into the kitchen and discover Humus and a gooey pile of Paco meat. They tell Humus to clean up the mess, and the General suggests turning the Paco meat into Sloppy Jose sandwiches, one of which gets possessed by Paco's spirit and begins to dispense wisdom to Arbie. He also demands that everyone say Paco went on vacation. Arbie, who had been in the basement storage area talking with the guy in the chicken suit (Lloyd Kaufman) about the General keeping chickens in concentration coops and how the building this restaurant has angered the Native American spirits buried here, returns and asks where Paco is. When he is told Paco took the day off, he accepts this almost immediately, despite the enormous pile of ground meat and guts with a Paco name tag on the floor.

Paco?!?

In the basement, Carl Jr. starts having sex with a frozen chicken. Really, there's no subtle way to say it. And he is really enjoying it. At least until it bites onto the end of his penis and refuses to let go. Screaming, he runs back up stairs, just as Humus has finished cleaning the kitchen area until it is spotless. Carl Jr. runs in, chicken still attached to his business, and sprays blood, gore and something green all over the place, including onto a row of buckets filled with fried chicken. He begs Humus to help him and falls over. Humus grabs her mop and rams it right into Carl Jr.'s butt, forcing it out through the other side, ripping off the tip of Carl Jr.'s penis with the end, where it sticks.

When Denny and the General return, they see the mess, blame it on Humus, and then take the buckets of fried chicken out to the protesters outside. Micki and Wendy start creaming at the General right away, but after trying the chicken, Micki changes her mind and suggests everybody eat the chicken, even though it is covered with green goop and bubbling yellow bits that, as you will recall, came from Carl Jr.'s body. Ick. But they crowd agrees and mobs the restaurant, including a guy named Jared (Joe Flishaker), whom Arbie believes is the guy from the sandwich commercials that lost a lot of weight. Jared demands food, and Arbie delivers, including a veiny egg that Jared scarfs down immediately. Jared reacts poorly and has to rush to the bathroom, where he straight-up wrecks the toilet (and walls and ceiling...you get the idea), and a smaller, skinnier version of himself escapes from inside.

Triangle of Power!

Arbie checks on Jared and discovers the horrible mess just as Denny comes to check on Arbie. Disgusted, he tells Arbie to clean up the mess, and he does, but not before performing a too-long musical number.

Wendy, now finding that her girlfriend has given up the fight against conglomerates, is conflicted, unsure whether to return to Arbie or keep fighting the restaurant. However, the decision is taken from her control when she discovers that Micki was planted in the C.L.A.M. organization to trick them into becoming advocates. It turns out Micki and the General were lovers all along! Wendy forces the General to eat some chicken, and he immediately has a bad reaction, running to the bathroom, where he lays an egg, after which it hatches and the chicken inside attacks him. He bites its head off, gets sprayed with its green blood, and turns into a murder chicken himself. Then he hunts down Denny, whose head he rips off. Dick move.

Mom? MOM?!?

Out in the main partof the restaurant, the customers and other employees have turned into chicken zombies, and it looks like Arbie, Wendy, Micki, Humus and a priest (Brian Cheverie) are about to die when the mascot shows up, strapped with an M-16 and ready to take down some murder chicken zombie people! He shoots zombie chicken General and then pulls out more guns (which he stores with the kids' meal toys), and tells Arbie that the two of them are the same person, but he, the mascot, is the older version. Almost immediately after, Denny comes back to life as a zombie chicken and bites off Old Arbie's nose, turning him into a murder chicken, as well.

But now that Old Arbie is a zombie chicken, will they survive? Will Carl Jr. return, waving his mop handle penis around? Will Wendy's running ever stop being funny? Will Arbie figure out a way to avoid the fate that his older self fell to? And how will they keep the zombie chickens outside from coming in?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek thought this one was okay, but not great. As with any Troma film, you have to watch it for what it is, which is a low-budget trash flick. And on that score, it does its job. There are some dialogue highlights that really help it along.

Larry has an unhealthy appreciation for this film. Even taking Derek's advice about seeing it for what it is, Larry's enthusiasm for it is disturbing. It's very worrying, to be honest. We're thinking of having him committed.

Jake agreed that it wasn't terrible, especially because some of the jokes in the dialogue, but he also thinks there were too many poop jokes. (On this point, all three agree.) He also enjoyed the ending, which was quite a twist.

So put on your tutu, chug some meat steroids, and listen this week's episode!

Critters II: The Main Course

To listen /download, click here!

Four years ago, Jake threatened Derek and Larry with the 1986 movie that involved way too many talented actors working alongside what appeared to be angry porcupines with lots of teeth, Critters. And he made good on that threat.

And now, much like the bounty hunters (Terrence Mann as Ug and Randy Spears as "Nothingface" Lee) and their drunk friend Charlie McFadden (Don Opper), the guys have returned to the town of Grover's Bend for more Gremlins-adjacent carnage!

The above-mentioned bounty hunters receive a call from their boss, a talking testicle with arms, who informs them that they have to go back to Earth because they didn't kill off all of the Crites two years ago. Before they leave for Earth, Ug promotes Charlie to full-fledged bounty hunter, and then they're on their way.

Bounty hunters? Or extras from a Warrant video? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

On Earth, Brad (Scott Grimes) is on his way back to Grover's Bend for the first time since the Crite outbreak two years before, and he is there to visit his Nana (Herta Ware) for Easter. He left because the entire town believed he was responsible for what happened. (Nobody's complaining about Billy Zane being gone, either, but you don't see him showing up and ruining everything.) When he gets there, he sees Megan (Liane Curtis), a former classmate who now helps her father run the local paper, being harassed by Wesley (Tom Hodges). Brad intervenes and sends Wesley packing. To show her gratitude, Megan offers Brad a ride to Nana's, where Nana is badgering the small children the watches about eating healthier.

Wesley, meanwhile, has contacted Quigley (Douglas Rowe) about buying some weird-looking eggs he found in a barn. Quigley is interested, and a deal for beer is made, which Wesley alters slightly by grabbing some of Quigley's vintage Playboy magazines. Quigley, in turn, contacts Nana, who wants to buy the eggs for the church's Easter egg hunt that's happening the next day.

The bounty hunters arrive on Earth, and Charlie, like a pig to a truffle, finds one a Playboy magazine that fell off of Wesley's truck as it drove by. Lee sees the centerfold and decides to turn into the woman in the magazine (Roxanne Kernohan).

Their quarry: These happy little dudes.

At the church, dozens of elderly women paint the eggs, completely unaware of what's inside them, for the next day. Nana also harangues Sheriff Corwin (David Ursin) into dressing up as the Easter bunny. He's not psyched about it, but he agrees anyway.

The next day, things go bad when the eggs start hatching, and Sheriff Corwin is the first victim, dying in the Easter bunny suit as he tries to fix the zipper. The bounty hunters arrive in town just as the Crites, having smelled food, lay waste to The Hungry Heifer, a restaurant in town. Ug and Lee rush in and attack the Crites, killing a number of them, and then are confronted by the manager (Eddie Deezen--the real hero of this film), who demands to know who will pay for the damages. Lee, taking in the heroic, manly form of Deezen, decides that he is the right form to take, and does so, leading to an upsetting visual of Deezen in thigh-high leather boots and a bikini top chasing after the Crites.

Star power!

Megan and Brad head to Quigley's to find out where he got the eggs, only to discover he has been killed by the Crites. Their next stop is the outskirts of town to contact Harv (Barry Corbin), who had been the sheriff back during the first attack, and was voted out of office immediately after. They ask for his help, and he responds that there is no way he is going to help the town after the way they treated him. Then he hops in his car and leaves.

 That evening, Lee turns back into the Playboy centerfold (thanks to Charlie, who keeps her from turning into Freddy Kruger at the last moment. They keep tracking the Crites, and Lee wanders into an ambush, where the Crites kill and eat her.

If only he had let her be Freddy...

Ugg drops back into Nothingface form out of depression, and Charlie has to bring him back to the church, where everyone in town is hiding from the Crites.

At the church, the men are taking turns keeping watch, and one of them is eaten pretty quickly. Brad, despondent about Harv not coming back with him, goes outside to have a look around, only to find the guy who was eaten moments before. Just as he's about to be attacked himself, he is saved by Harv, who decided to give the townsfolk another chance and also shoot a lot of tiny monsters. The to of them return to the church and offer up a plan to everyone else, but are interrupted when an elderly local points out that it's probably no coincidence that this is happening just as Brad has returned. Pushing on, a plan is made, involving the Hungry Heifer meat processing plant in town, a pile of cheeseburgers, and some explosives. (Conveniently located at the local hardware store!) But will it work?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Will the Crites, convinced that there's free food available, forego humans for tasty burger-y goodness? Will Brad and the others manage too kill all the Crites? Will all the buttons on Harv's sheriff shirt hold until the end? Will Charlie ever not look like he just stepped out of a sweat lodge filled with beer farts? And will Magan ever give Brad a chance to play some tonsil hockey?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek actually enjoyed this movie. He even liked it more than the original. He was also pleased to see Eddie Deezen in there. His obsession with Deezen and Clint Howard is really starting to worry the rest of us. Please send help.

Jake liked it, too, but not as much, In fact, he thinks that each time he watches it, it gets worse, compared to the original, which he feels gets better each time. He has some real issues that he is going to have to work out.

Larry was sick, so he didn't make it to the recording.

So put on your 80s hair and pleather space outfit, fire up the grill, and check out this week's episode!

Return of the Living Dead Part II

To listen/download, click here!

Zombies! Is there anything they can't do? Horror...drama...comedy...

What's that you say? Zombies don't do comedy? Of course they do. For example, check out Billy Connolly in Fido. Great flick. Technically, you can also count the Deadites in Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness as zombies. So there's no reason to assume that comedy is not a viable genre for the differently-alive. And yet...

This time around, the guys sat down to watch Return of the Living Dead Part II. According to Larry and Jake, it is basically the same movie as Return of the Living Dead, so if you've seen that one, you can pretty much skip this description and just listen to the show.

For those of you who, like Derek, never saw the first one, it's the story of Jesse (Michael Kenworthy), a young boy who just wants to be part of the "cool" gang, which consists of Billy (Thor Van Lingen) and Johnny (Jason Hogan). After some brief haggling, a deal is struck, and Jesse is allowed in. But before he becomes a full member, he has to go through his initiation, which involves being locked in a mausoleum. He's not keen on the idea, but the others insist, shoving him inside. Jesse wisely attempts to find a way out, but falls and lands next to a rotting corpse.

At the same time, two grave robbers, Ed (James Karen) and Joey (Thom Mathews), are heading into the cemetery to go to work. Joey's girlfriend, Brenda (Suzanne Snyder), waits in the van.

Idiots.

Earlier, a military convoy is transporting barrels somewhere, but as the military is wont to do in this sort of film, nobody made sure the barrels were stored securely, and three of them fall off one of the truck. While two are recovered, one manages to fall into a nearby creek.

Ed and Joey enter the mausoleum, allowing Jesse to escape, and then they begin sawing off corpse heads, which appears to be the primary source of income for that particular job, as well as loot jewelry from the coffins. Joey is not sure he wants to do this after all, but Ed draws him back in with promises of a bracelet for Brenda.

Billy and Johnny see Jesse running, and they take after him, chasing him into the woods and down by the creek, where they discover the barrel that fell from the military truck. They pop off the cover on the bottom and find another cap, this one see-through, and a corpse's face presses against it. Jesse takes off, heading home.

Darn kids! No respect for the dead (in a barrel)!

Making it back home, Jesse is caught by his older sister, Lucy (Marsha Dietlein), who is supposed to be watching him, but is doing aerobics in front of the TV. She tells him he has to go up to his room and do his homework, but he has a different idea: he needs to alert the military about the barrel he and the other two boys found earlier. So he grabs a flashlight and heads out, sneaking past his sister, who is dealing with the cable guy, Tom (Dana Ashbrook), and his advances.

Billy and Johnny, meanwhile, sneak back to the barrel, as well, and start dicking with the keypad mounted on the side. After a quick guess, they crack the code and release a horrible green fog, which immediately starts wafting across the grounds of the cemetery and into the mausoleum, where Ed and Joey are taking their lunch break, only to have it interrupted by one of the corpses they cut the head off of sitting up and trying to attack Ed. They, quite logically, freak out and run away to the van, where Brenda is dealing with her own undead problems.

But Brenda knows how to handle that.

Jesse makes his way to the barrel and gets the number to call the military, is scared by Tarman (Allan Trautman)--from the first movie--and runs back home, only to be spotted by the cable guy, who tells Lucy. Lucy reacts like any reasonable sister-slash-babysitter would, and traps Jesse in his own room by tying a sheet between his bedroom door and the upstairs banister.

Left with no other option, Jesse tries doing homework, but as he looks out his window, he sees Billy and Jason come stumbling out from an alleyway, and realizes something is up. So he makes a smoke bomb with common items around his bedroom, and when Lucy comes to check on who there is smoke pouring from under his door, Jesse runs past and locks himself in Lucy's room so he can call the military.

Ed, Joey and Brenda, by now, have made their way to the same neighborhood, and they steal the cable guy's van so they can get out of town. Unfortunately, they are not very good at it, and they crash the van into a telephone box, cutting off phone lines all over, including in Lucy's bedroom, where Jesse was on hold, waiting for a general to talk to.

A neighbor comes out to check on the accident, and is attacked and eaten for his troubles. (The lesson here, kids, is never try to help anybody, ever.) Ed, Joey and Brenda run into Jesse's house, and Joey and Ed immediately start complaining that they don't feel well. After the head in the bag Ed had carried from the mausoleum starts moving around and is revealed to be the severed head, a bunch of zombies break in, and a decision is made to go to Doc Mandel's (Philip Bruns) and get his car. Doc is not too happy with that plan, but gives in when zombies break into his garage. The entire group piles into the car, and Tom drives through the garage door, running over a number of zombies, and they are on the road.

Not as dumb as the other idiots, but idiots, just the same.

When an attempt is made to leave town is blocked by the military, who have set up blockades to keep anybody from entering or leaving town, they go to the nearby hospital, where Doc attempts to treat Joey and Ed, while the others wander around and look for other people. Jesse is the only one to find anybody, and that body is dead. Death doesn't stop it from trying to kill Jesse, but Lucy shows up just in time to shoot it with a shotgun, splitting the body in half.

Jesse, Lucy and Tom return to the emergency room to hear Doc's diagnosis: Ed and Joey are dead. For their part, Ed and Joey do not agree. Neither does Brenda, who insists on take the two of them away from there to get some real help. They pile into Doc's car and take off, leaving the others to fend for themselves.

Brenda drives them to another part of town, where they meet a few more military men, who tell them to turn back. By now, Ed has turned into an actual zombie, albeit a really whiny one. When one of the soldiers checks on him, he attacks, eating that guy. The others open fire on him, but it doesn't do much good. Brenda and Joey get back in the car and drive away, with Joey trying to convince Brenda to let him eat her brains. She finally agrees after she jumps out of the car and runs into a nearby church. Problem solved.

But nothing can fix this problem.

Back at the hospital, Doc devises a plan to get rid of most of the zombies so they can get somewhere safe. If he only had some brains...

But what about Ed? Does he continue to live? Or do the military guys finally take him down? And how about Billy and Johnny? What happens with them? Does the military get things back under control? Does Lucy get to bounce some more? Will Tom get some action from her? Will the severed head from earlier come back again, inexplicably?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake likes it, although it's not super-high on his list of good movies. He liked the makeup, and he enjoyed the humor, but he hated the actors. And he is right to do so. Most of them are awful.

Larry is conflicted. He doesn't want to hate this movie because zombie flicks are kind of his thing. But he also can't help comparing it to the original movie, and it is found severely wanting.

Derek is the only one who saw this in the theater. He thought it was pretty fun. Not a great one, but entertaining. He is very, very angry about one of the final gags. See if you can guess which one!

So put on your running shoes and gas mask, remember to stretch before running, and check out this week's episode!