December 30, 2015

Ernest Saves Christmas

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It's time for the final episode of this year's Holiday Moviepalooza, folks.


And for this week's show, the guys sat down to watch a festering turd of a movie called Ernest Saves Christmas.

It stars Jim Varney as Ernest P. Worrell, a cab driver in Orlando, Florida, who has an almost unhealthy obsession with Christmas. When he picks up a fare who just happens to be a soon-to-retire Santa Claus (Douglas Seale), he is completely and utterly unfazed.

Until he opened the Ark of the Covenant, that is.
Santa explains that he's in Florida to find the guy who will be replacing him, Joe Carruthers (Oliver Clark), a man who used to host a kids' show on TV, and is now doing puppet shows at the local Children's Museum. (In front of a giant magnifying glass that is aimed directly at his crotch for some reason.)

Along the way, they pick up an underaged runaway girl named Harmony Star (Noelle Parker) whom they immediately weave into their web of lies and deceit.

Including dressing her up like a schoolgirl and taking her
to a prison full of dangerous criminals. (Really!)
As they begin their campaign of stalking and harassment against Joe, Santa gets arrested, and it's left up to Ernest and Harmony to spring the old guy from the joint. (See?! We told you!) And then they return to harassing Joe, who has now taken a part in a horror film called Christmas Slay.

As this is happening, Santa's reindeer have arrived and are awaiting their boss (or a duly deputized representative) while the guys at the warehouse freak out about the fact that the reindeer are launching themselves up onto the ceiling.

Bobby...What're we gonna do if they poop?
It is time that would have better been spent carefully pondering the life choices that one has made which brought them to a situation where they were playing second banana to Jim fucking Varney.

Anyway, Ernest sneaks Santa onto the studio lot where the horror film is being made, taking the opportunity to dress up as somebody who is almost, but not entirely, exactly like Ernest himself, but with a different hat, really.

Y'ever jus' wanna...hug another man? Real tight-like?
When Joe is confronted with the fact that the script calls for him to say "son of a bitch" in front of kids, he just can't do it. As he's getting his butt chewed off by the studio guys, he see's Santa's sleigh (it's a long and painfully stupid story concerning how it ended up flying around Orlando) and decides to quit the movie and take the job as the new Santa.

There's a bunch of other stuff we skipped but, really, who cares. This movie was stupid and awful and...and...stupid. Yeah.

I was dressing like this when you were still a young punk, so suck it, Tyler Perry.
Jake hates Joe's agent with a passion that burns like a thousand suns. Now, there are no likeable characters in this movie, but that agent is just garbage in human form.

Larry is disenchanted because he really loved this movie when he was younger (and, obviously, much more impressionable). He got better. The movie, however, did not.

Derek hated all of it. It sucked. Fuck this movie.

There's also a bunch of heavily-edited, spoiler-free conversation about Star Wars: The Force Awakens in The Lobby, a group version of Larry's List, and Derek discusses fun times playing out on New Years' Eve.

As an added note, the guys were so traumatized by this movie that they forgot to do Coming Soon. This week, there was only one movie listed, and that was Anomalisa, an animated film that just happens to have been worked on by our pal Billy Brooks as visual effects supervisor! So check it out! The trailer looks awesome.

So download this week's show! And, if you're feeling particularly masochistic, download the commentary from the guys while they watched the movie!

And Happy New Year!