December 16, 2015

Rare Exports

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Hey, guys...Ya know what time it is?

You bet your hinder it is!
And this week the guys sat down to watch Rare Exports, a Finnish film about greed, crumbling families, what a horrible lie Santa Claus is, how Finland is experiencing what appears to be a shortage of pants, and, above all, NAKED OLD GUY SCROTUM.

Yes, if you find yourself watching classic holiday films such as It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, or whichever version of Scrooge/A Christmas Carol suits your preferences, and you find yourself thinking, "Gosh, I certainly wish this movie contained more wrinkly old guy asses and ball sacs," then this film is for you!

Even when if you can't see it, you know his balls are right...there.
This movie is about Pietari (Onni Tommila), a small boy who looks like Bjork, and his attempts to get people to listen to him, despite his incredibly poor fashion choices. He and his father (Jorma Tommila) live and work at a reindeer ranch, which they seem to share with a couple other guys (Tomi Korpela as Aimo, and Rauno Juvonen as Piiparinen, who looks like Walter from The Big Lebowski). When all but two of their reindeer are killed, they believe the local excavating company, SubZero, Inc., which claimed to be there for studying seismic activity, using explosives caused the local wolves to attack the reindeer. The men also discover that the company may have been up to something far more nefarious. This, in fact, turns out to be exactly the case.

And yet...

It also turns out to be absolutely nothing what they thought at the same time. Because it turns out that the nefarious plans of the company involved excavating a frozen Santa Claus. Or was it...

When Pieteri's father finds a presumably dead guy in one of his wolf traps, he takes the body back to his butchering shed to figure out what to do about it, being as wolf traps are illegal and the guy had obviously been aerated by one of the wooden stakes in the pit. So he gets Piiparinen to come over and help him chop it up into tiny bits. Unfortunately, that plan is derailed when the guy wakes up and tries to eat Piiparinen's ear.

As the two men, joined by Pieteri and Aimo, try to figure out what to do with the old guy, a radio in the coat the man was wearing starts squawking, asking of "the cargo is ready to move". They also discover that the old guy is attracted to the scent of both children and gingerbread.

This means something...This is important...
The men tell the voice on the radio that they have Santa Claus, and they want enough money to cover the cost of their lost reindeer, and they make arrangements to trade their new friend for bags of money, What could possibly go wrong?

Funny you should ask, because it turns out the old guy is actually one of Santa's "helpers", and he, along with many others are there to protect Santa, who is being held in a nearby warehouse.

Not your dad's Santa Claus...
And by "protect", we mean steal all the kids from the village, cram them in potato sacks, and pile them under Santa along with all the heaters in town. This does not bode well, and Pieteri is the only one who knows what to do.

His plan involves luring the "helpers" away from Santa so the men can blow the entire warehouse to smithereens, because Finland! This leads to a very disturbing scene where a helicopter carrying a giant net filled with kids (still in potato sacks) being chased by a huge crowd of surprisingly spry naked old dudes.

So much elderly, wrinkled scrotum.
After the explosion, the old guys are herded into a corral...But what to do with them now? Tune in to find out!

Larry is concerned about Pieteri's fashion choices, including hockey pads and helmet, cardboard taped to his ass, and a loaded shotgun. Also, Pieteri's best friend has a mullet and seems to hate him.

Derek is so very, very upset by all the naked old dudes. They just so nude. It's very upsetting. The film is beautifully shot, though. The saggy taint skin comes through with stunning clarity.

Jake, while also bothered by these things, presents an interesting theory concerning where the "helpers" came from. He makes some good sense.

There's also news in The Lobby, a lot of talk about Star Wars in Coming Soon, some serious disagreement with Larry's List, and an interesting look at Jake's childhood in Inside My Head. There's also a lot of completely unnecessary mockery of George Lucas throughout, but it was all in good fun. Really.

So check out this week's episode! But put on some pants first.