December 9, 2015

Jingle All The Way

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It's time for Holiday Moviepalooza: Episode Two!


This week, Jake couldn't appear on the show because he had stuff that needed to get done, which is a real bummer because his awesome Ah-nuld impression was sorely missed. But Derek and Larry decided to power through the disappointment and watch Jingle All The Way as a duo.

And what a movie it was!

Jingle All The Way is the story of Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a terrible father who commits numerous felonies in an attempt to purchase the love of his son, Jamie (a pre-Phantom Menace Jake Lloyd), while simultaneously having to deal with his wife, Liz (Rita Wilson), being constantly bombarded with creepy looks and subtle attempts to get her out of her clothes by Howard's neighbor, Ted. (The late Phil Hartman.)

He's like that creepy uncle that gives you five bucks each Christmas to rub his feet.
To make matters even worse, Howard has to deal with the fact that his character lives in a world where guys like Sinbad (as lunatic postman--because that joke isn't old--Myron) are allowed to roam freely. So, obviously, it's some kind of dark, horrible dystopia, right?

Anyway, Howard, failing in every way possible as a father within the first ten minutes, lies to his wife and swears he bought Jamie the toy of the season: Turbo Man. Or, as Howard pronounces it, "T'YERbomin".

There is just one small problem...Well, aside from the whole Sinbad-walking-around-freely thing...None of the stores in town have any Turbo Man dolls left. How do we know this? Because we get to follow Howard to every single one of them.

He also fights a mob of mall Santas, but who wouldn't want to see that?
Along the way, he assaults a police officer several times, destroys city property, assaults numerous people, is involved in the bombing of a radio station, impersonates a police officer, abuses animals, endangers children, purchases counterfeit goods, harasses a small child, and so much more. But it appears to run in his family.

It was because Jamie didn't have Qui-Gonn's calming influence early on.
Even after all of this, Howard still hasn't managed to get a Turbo Man for his son. So, of course, he impersonates him in the local parade, which just happens to be giving away a special edition, one-of-a-kind Turbo Man doll to one lucky kid that Turbo Man himself will choose! What are the odds?

As good as the odds that years of steroid use has made a codpiece completely unnecessary.
Naturally, Howard picks Jamie, which puts the kid in danger because Myron shows up dressed as Turbo Man's arch-enemy, Dementor! He looks a bit like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Will Howard/Turbo Man rescue Jamie from the evil clutches of Dementor/Myron? Will Jamie finally give his father the love he is so desperately trying to purchase with insincere baubles? Will Howard be charged for the vast array of crimes he committed over the course of his day? And why does everyone in this movie but Phil Hartman look so confused?

As an actor in a movie, this should not be your resting face throughout
unless it is scripted.
Larry is shocked that this movie isn't nearly as good as he recalls it being back when he saw it at the age of seventeen. He really, really dislikes Sinbad, as any right-thinking person should.

Derek is alarmed at the ease with which Howard is able to commit so many crimes. If this is the sort of thing a big, dumb Austrian gets up to while simply Christmas shopping, it would be extremely worrying to see what he does when he's actually trying to cause mayhem.

There's also Star Wars news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, some questionable choices in Larry's List, and a visit to Christmas Past when Derek looks Inside My Head.

So fire up the Christmas lights and get your Santa hat, and listen to this week's episode!