Hey, guys! Guess what time it is!
|Because we're all about staid and dignified advertising.|
|An actual image of "African" children from the movie. What. The. Hell?|
Wait a minute. That can't be right, can it? Let me check my notes...
Yep. That's what it says...Okay, whatever.
It's Christmastime, and time for Santa to get ready to leave his castle in space, so he can deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls all over the world. (Of which there are about four, according to this movie, and they all live in Mexico.)
|Including the adorable, but continually terrified, Lupita.|
|Played by Scott Ian of the band Anthrax.|
Santa also takes a few moments (by which we mean about ten or twelve minutes) to hold a jam session on his factory floor, where, in an attempt to keep costs low, he forces dozens of kidnapped children to listen to his half-assed keyboard noodling and make toys for other, better kids.
|We understand Santa's tech support department is top-notch, though.|
After a visit to Merlin the Magician to get some new tech for his mission, Santa winds up his reindeer and hits the road.
One of the kids he visits is a weird little ginger boy. All the little boy wants is for his parents, a horrible couple who regularly leave the boy at home so they can go out and party, to love him. Santa sees an opening, and things get really dark.
|Mr. Claus...Are you trying to seduce me?|
But that's not the end of it! A rematch happens when Pitch manages to get Santa trapped in a tree by a medium-sized dog.
|Cut me some slack! I'm allergic!|
You'll have to watch and listen to find out!
Jake is terribly disturbed by what he claims is the onscreen defiling of the ginger boy's innocence by Santa. The others aren't completely sure that this is what actually happened, but they're willing to give Jake the benefit of the doubt because, in context with the rest of this weird-ass movie, it's not that much of a stretch.
Derek is concerned about the implied theology this movie presents. God and Jesus are not mentioned, Santa is considered the highest good in the land, despite his unwarranted surveillance of innocent people for his own personal reasons. The Greek god of Fire, Vulcan, spends his retirement days making metal geegaws for Santa's breaking-and-entering adventures. And Merlin, a powerful wizard, also works for Santa, making an unlimited supply of drugs and anesthetics for whatever diabolical plans his boss feels necessary.
Larry is upset by all of it, but mostly by Pitch, whose puffy shorts and over-the-top activities seem needlessly dangerous not only to himself, but to the children he draws into his sinister web. Making it even worse, almost none of these things work. Pitch is an incompetent idiot, and it's easy to see why he is such a low-ranking demon in Lucifer's organization. Larry also finds the reindeer a bit on the creepy side.
|Welcome to hell! Bow down to me! BOW DOWN TO ME!|
So get a fire in the fireplace, warm up some cocoa, and tune in to this week's show!