April 29, 2015

Ice Pirates

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Ah, the mid-eighties...A time when a guy like Robert Urich could star in a movie. Heady times, indeed.

For those of you unfamiliar, Urich was the star of ABC's Vegas, where he played a smarmy and smooth detective who solves crimes in the seedy underbelly of that bastion of glamour and bright lights, Cleveland, Ohio.

Sorry, after checking our notes, it turns out he worked in Las Vegas.

Anyway, Urich plays Jason, leader of a group of pirates who make a living stealing ice in a galaxy where the water is almost completely gone, and what little there is, is controlled by the ruthless Templars.

Because pirates!
His crew consists of a number of odd people, including Michael D. Roberts, Angelica Huston, John Matuszak, and, in only his second motion picture role, Ron Perlman, who looks for all the world like Ron Bergundy.

Stay classy, universe...
When they try to kidnap a princess (Mary Crosby), they are captured and, for some reason, are about to be subjected to the most upsetting castration process ever captured on film.

NOM! NOM! NOM!
The princess, for reasons nobody is able to make clear, kidnaps the pirates instead, and demands that they take her to find her father, who has disappeared.

Along the way, there are pimp-bots, farting aliens, spastic robots with weak colons(?), time warps, bounty hunters, and SPACE HERPES!

Oh, god! It looked at me!
And, possibly the most terrifying, Bruce Villanch as a sort of gatekeeper with an army of amazon women.

Girls?! EWWWWW!
Will they find her father? Will they stop the Templars? Will Jason knock the bottom out of the princess? Will this goddamn movie ever end?!

Jake is crushed that the movie isn't nearly as entertaining as he remembered it being when he was a child.

Derek is extremely upset by number of cheap jokes. (Babies peeing on Robert Urich's face, an alien made of taint skin that farts a lot and picks its nose...Dear god...)

Larry is fascinated, yet mildly grossed-out, that the space herpe looks like a penis with the Kellogg's Raisin Bran sun stuck on the end.

There's also news in The Lobby, Coming Soon, Larry's List, and Hollywood Purgatory. So download the show now so you, too, can be upset by this terrible, terrible movie!