Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! It was another awesome week of straight-up hilarious people over on the Twitter, and it started with Memorial Day, when everyone gets drunk, barbecues, and sits on their asses as a way to pay tribute to all the soldiers who died protecting our freedoms. I'm still not sure how doing all that stuff pays tribute, but I enjoy a good barbecue as much as the next guy, so who am I to judge?

Anyway, there was a bunch of funny, and I have, as usual, gathered just a small sampling of the ones I personally enjoyed. If you dig them, by all means, go join Twitter (if you haven't already) and follow them! And follow others! Heck, if you're feeling masochistic, maybe even follow me. I'm @TheRealDCF over there.

And this is my AVI. Drink it in...Oh, yeah...

Anyway, here's a bunch of funny from over there, where "normal" is what would be considered "weird" and "somewhat disturbing" anywhere else, in no particular order...

My friend told me my bangs were too short and then called me a hipster so I strangled him with one of the three scarves I was wearing.

— coolgal518 (@quintywinties) May 24, 2015

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) May 21, 2015

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

— Dave (@SCBamaMan) December 7, 2012

I don't send dick pics. I have an iPhone, I send slow motion panoramic videos of my dick.

— The Guy (@theguydf) May 21, 2015

Just made eye contact with some guy at the urinals while Taylor Swift's 'Shake It Off' played in the men's restroom & now I hate everything.

— Nathan (@stockejock) May 27, 2015

You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

— Where's the Xanax? (@DadtheDouchebag) January 13, 2015

The librarian said not to worry about my overdue fees, so tonight I'm going to propose to her.

— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 29, 2015

Gloria Estefan's rhythm has murdered 712 people.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 29, 2015

LASSIE (1955-G) Clever collie occasionally knocks helpless boy down well for treats.

— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) May 29, 2015

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 26, 2014

And there you have it! So have an awesome week! And to help it off with a smile, check out one of my favorite New Zealand-based novelty folk duos (I'm told there are at least three), Flight of the Conchords:

All the best,

Derek and Bosco