July 20, 2016

Death Race 2000

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Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that predicts the future so accurately, it is both frightening and astounding.

This week's movie, Death Race 2000, is not one of those movies.

What it is, though, is a delightfully kooky romp across the country seen through the rheumy eye of Roger Comrna, as several professional racers with weird costumes and funny-looking cars race to get from New York to Los Angeles while murdering as many civilians as possible with their cars.

Like Cannonball Run, but more murdery.
David Carradine is Frankenstein, the current champion of the Death Race, a government-approved method of population control. His main challenger is Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (a pre-Rocky Sylvester Stallone), a guy from Chicago who hates everyone, eats with his hands, and beats his female navigator, Myra (Louisa Moritz).

Frankenstein has himself a new navigator for this year's race, a half-human/half-owl named Annie (Simone Griffeth) who, along with acting as navigator, nurse, cook, and sex toy, also happens to be the great granddaughter of Thomasina Paine (Harriet Medin), a woman who leads a rebel faction against the government in an attempt to put an end to the Death Race.

I wasn't joking about the "half-owl" thing. Look at her legs.
HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE?!
The rebels get down to the business of killing off the other racers -- Calamity Jane (Mary Woronov), Matilda the Hun (Roberta Collins), and Nero the Hero (Martin Kove) -- but are unable to take out Machine Gun Joe and Frankenstein, despite having somebody working on the inside. (And having her insides worked by Frankenstein.)

It must be his captivating smile.
As the rebels work their way through the racers, the people who run the race try to keep the population ignorant of the things that are happening. And one of those things that are happening is that Frankenstein himself is trying to win the race because he wants to kill the president and end the Death Race himself...with a hand grenade. No, really. An actual hand grenade.

See? We are not screwing around here.
Will he make it to Los Angeles to kill the president in order to stop...all...the...violence...? Will Machine Gun Joe stop being a disgusting mess long enough to call Myra a baked potato?

Unlikely...
And what's the deal with this guy?

Seriously.
Jake had to leave early because of something gross at work. We don't want to go into it. Just take our word for it.

Larry loved this movie. That's it, really. He really, really loved it.

Derek picked the movie, so it's pretty clear that he's a fan. He believes this movie is a gateway movie to many worse ones.

So fire up the engine, pull on your latex body suit, and tune in to this week's episode!