Look, I know there's far more pressing and important stuff to talk about than the things I'm going to talk about here, but I have to be honest; I just can't talk about that stuff anymore. I can't.
So, I'm going to talk about the other dumbass, but less fatal (for the most part) stuff that's currently happening. And, because I'm trying to keep things light, I'm going to include these animations of a confused John Travolta:
|No, like...what's in your wallet?|
That statement covers everything I know, or even care to know, about Pokemon GO. In fact, it's more than I want to know about it, but being at the forefront of pop culture isn't all rainbows and unicorn farts. It has its dark side, too.
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.— Michael Hendrix (@michael_hendrix) July 13, 2016
hillary: vote for me to be the first... pokéwoman president lol— Jhorts (@JhonRules) July 14, 2016
trump: [while literally being fanned by slaves] my daughter has a nice rack
Apparently, people have to actually get up and move around to play this game, which is a good thing for parents, kids, and adults who maybe spend a little too much time awash in the glow of their computer screens and Cheeto dust. The parents are glad the kids are getting out of the house, the kids are getting exercise, and the adults who play are finding out what air that isn't contaminated by the stench of stale Mountain Dew Code Red smells like.
If you are playing, please know two things: 1. There are thousands of others out there playing it, too. Maybe look up from your phone occasionally to make sure you're not about to run into each other; and 2. You will never battle me or have me join your team because I have as much interest in playing Pokemon GO as a concussed kitten has in quantum physics.
|Or as much interest as Black Widow has in Vincent Vega.|
Trump, who insists that Pence was his first choice, spent a good chunk of Friday evening trying to get out of choosing Pence until he finally gave in because he realized that, terrible though Mike Pence is, he's a Boy Scout compared to Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich.
Chris Christie clutches Trump's bag of McDonald's against his chest. He weeps as the food grows cold. Is this all life is?— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) July 14, 2016
He steals a fry.
Unfortunately for both Christie and Gingrich, the word about Pence had already got out before Trump had called the two of them to let them know he was placing them on waivers. Whoops!
|Still more realistic than Trumps chances.|
BREAKING NEWS LIVE! Republicans arriving at the RNC Convention Center! pic.twitter.com/jD8Ezd1AJd— philip harris (@pharris830) July 16, 2016
In the run up to preparing for this week, the RNC found themselves short on cash for this shit show, so they took their presumptive candidate's example of borrowing money and asked somebody to lend them $6 million to cover expenses.
And then a huge list of speakers was assembled...and as the names leaked out, more and more of those people released statements along the lines of "Wait, what? Oh, I am not going there..." Therefore, this convention's big celebrity catch is Chachi! (Whatsamatta? Was Screech still in jail?)
"Please welcome to the RNC stage, Mr. Scott Baio, star of Zapped!, a 90-minute sex crime."— Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) July 17, 2016
The rest of the list is equally impressive, including no less than six members of Trump's family. Nobody is surprised at all.
|Confused? Maybe. But not surprised.|
Everything in the new Ghostbusters movie seems plausible except for the idea of New Yorkers eating Papa John's pizza.— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 16, 2016
Damn, just look at all those ruined childhoods. pic.twitter.com/ixVz6cDmsg— Ashley Lynch (@ashleylynch) July 14, 2016
And, as I write this, it sits at 73% on RottenTomatoes.com. Go figure.
|I got nothin' for this. Make up your own caption.|
I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies.— Katie Parker (@_RealBlondeGirl) June 13, 2016
Me: "So how was your day?"— Emanuel Z. (@therealezway) July 1, 2016
Wife: "I'm a pillow. You're going to die alone"
I had a dream I was making my own trail mix and became enraged when I put raisins in it. Even in my dreams I'm committed to being a fat girl— Angie Davis (❤️Peen) (@Adar79Angie) July 11, 2016
Nerd 1: I miss u!— Amy (@bunnyhugger75) July 14, 2016
Nerd 2: Every moment you're away my coitus entropy rises.
N1: I can't wait to hit that like a natural 20!
ME:*opens Bible & protozoa are dividing* If this is here, then that means-— The Pale Rider (@truegritrumble) July 14, 2016
SON:*opens school science book & Jesus bursts out riding a T-Rex*
Saw some teenagers on PornHub. They were using a condom. As a parent, I was proud of them, I thought to myself as I came all over my chest.— Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) July 15, 2016
If I'm guilty of anything it's only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) July 14, 2016
...and yet ANOTHER attempt at sexting just devolves into a long conversation about the relative merits of Pon Farr.— Interociter (@Interociter) July 14, 2016
Thanks, back-to-school display, for the unexpected and unwelcome stomach lurch of nostalgic anxiety that my day was missing.— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) July 15, 2016
And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week, will ya? And try not to be a dick. Why, you ask? Well, because of this...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco