July 27, 2016

The Warriors

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1979...A dark time for New York City.

And the setting for this week's movie, the director's cut of The Warriors, starring a guy who also starred in Xanadu with Gene Kelly and Olivia Newton-John, a homophobic guy who wears way too much eyeliner to be that judgemental, and a few other people whose names we also can't be bothered to remember.

There's that one guy...Oh, and that other guy...
When the leader of the Riffs, Cyrus (Roger Hill), calls together all the major gangs in New York City--including the Warriors--in an effort to convince them that, if they all work together, they could take over the city.

Unfortunately, not everybody is willing to share, and one of those people, a wormy little turd basket named Luther (David Patrick Kelly) from one of the Warriors' rival gangs, shoots and kills Cyrus, and then claims it was the Warriors who were responsible. And, before the Warriors can deny it, the police show up and everyone scatters, thus beginning the Lord of the Rings-style trek across New York City as the Warriors, led by Andy Gibb simulacrum Swan (Michael Beck) and a super rapey Ajax (James Remar), try to make it back to their home turf of Coney Island.

A star-filled night of questionable hair choices!
At first, things seem to be going okay. Oh sure, there's a run-in with a gang called the Baseball Furies, a terrifying gang that dresses in old timey baseball uniforms and carries baseball bats, but who are surprisingly easy for the Warriors to beat. And then there's the Orphans, led by a guy (Paul Greco) who takes personal offense at his gang not being invited to the big meeting in the park, as well as the way the gang's sex toy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh as Mercy) is eye-humping Swan. When the Warriors walk briskly away from those guys, Swan brings Mercy along, alternating between returning the eye-humping and threatening to "run a train" on her. This is not a healthy relationship.

After the subway train they are on has to stop because of a fire on the tracks, the Warriors are back on their feet, and during a fight with another gang, the Punks--a bunch of dudes on rollerskates (because the 70s!) dressed like My Buddy dolls--the Warriors are split into two groups, and then people start disappearing or getting killed.

Guys...I can't get these off...HELP MEEEE...
Although it's probably not the way Cyrus envisioned it (specifically, the part about him being all dead and stuff), the gangs do start working together so they can hunt down the Warriors. In particular, the Riffs and their new leader, Cleon (Dorsey Wright), are putting in a lot of effort, and it begins to pay off when some of the information they gather tells them that maybe the Warriors aren't the ones who killed Cyrus after all.

Will the Warriors make it back to Coney Island before they are killed by Luther or someone less irritating? Will Axaj learn that being excessively forward with women is not really the way to a solid relationship? Will Luther find a way to be even more annoying by the end of the film than he was at the beginning? Will Mercy ever gain some self-worth and age well after this movie?

No, she will not. This is her at her best.
Derek is very upset by the clothing and hair--especially Snow's (Brian Tyler) hair and Cochise's (David Harris) "warerobe" choices. (That's not a typo...that's how it's listed in the credits.) He also despises Luther, and marvels at his terrible shooting skills.

Jake was disappointed that this was the director's cut because there was a comic book motif added that interrupts the flow of the film. He calls Mercy "pepperoni nipples", and he worries that nobody cares about or even mentions the fact that Fox (Thomas G. Waites) is missing after a police officer throws him under a subway train.

Larry is bothered by the lack of...well, pretty much any action, other than the two fights. The rest of it is basically just walking around. It's a nighttime tour of the less touristy parts of New York, and not much else. He also takes issue with the Warriors' "grafitti artist", Rembrandt (Marcelino Sanchez), whose only skill appears to be spray painting a large "W" on things.

So get your vest with the big back patch, put on your walking shoes, and "come out and plaaaaaaayyyyyyaaaaayyyyyy" this week's episode!