Mac & Me

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This week, the guys sat down to watch a movie that Derek had been threatening to bring out for quite some time: 1988's Mac & Me, the story of a young, wheelchair-bound child and the creepy baby alien made of foreskin that befriends him. Sort of.

There may be a tiny bit of attempted murder, too.

When an unmanned Earth spacecraft lands on a distant planet to collect soil and rock samples, it is discovered by a group of beings that get their beverages directly from the ground with straws. None of them are wearing clothes, and they all look gross, half-formed fetuses.

When the youngest of the group gets too close to the ship, its automatic vacuum sucks up the critter, along with its family, and then lifts off and heads back to Earth.

When it lands, they all climb out, causing much consternation and yelling from scientists, mysterious suit-wearing government guys, and a number of heavily-armed soldiers. They all escape, although the youngest dives into the back of a VW Microbus, while the others stumble into the desert.

The van belongs to the Cruise family: Janet (Christine Ebersole), and her sons, Michael (Jonathan Ward), and wheelchair-bound Eric (Jade Calegory). They are moving to Sacremento to start a new life. (There is little-to-nothing that explains what was so awful about their old life, except that the kids' dad was possibly the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World". The guys have their own theories.) Apparently, this new life involves a new home they can't afford, a new job at Sears for Janet, a weird hippie girl, Debbie (Lauren Stanley), who lives next door with her sister Courtney (Tina Caspery) and their mother (Laura Waterbury), and an unblinking, taint skin-based alien that destroys everything they own and (inadvertently?) tries to kill Eric.

As far we know.

Eric and Debbie discover the alien when Eric chases it and falls over a cliff into a pond of standing water, and the alien rescues him. Then they bring Michael into the fold, who suggests they tell their mother about it. However, when they try, she chalks it up to them just being weird and continues as though some potentially life-threatening alien entity is not trying to pick off her kids one by one.

While this is going on, the suit-wearing government guys are searching for the aliens, and almost immediately figure out that one of them is living with the Cruise family. How did this happen so quickly? Did Debbie sell them out to the Feds? We just don't know!

Before the Feds can move in and take the alien away, Eric and Debbie dress it like a teddy bear and take it to McDonald's for an inexplicably large and rowdy birthday party (which is also attended by the Ronald McDonald), where it steals other kids' fries and then leads them in a dance party--an impressive feat, considering Mac could barely walk due to it being a poorly-made animatronic puppet.

Never. Stops. Being. Funny.

The Feds show up and try to get Mac, but Eric gets him out of there and runs him through someone's backyard, where they run into a clothesline and Mac ends up with old lady underpants on his head. Then Michael, who has gathered Debbie and Courtney into the Microbus, grabs the two of them and they make for the desert, where Mac indicates the rest of his family are.

Will they get there before the Feds catch them? Will anybody explain why the aliens have nipples on top of their heads? How about why Eric was totally okay with being endangered by this walking skin tag? Will someone, for the love of God, put some pants on these aliens?!? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek hated everything about this movie. He was especially concerned for Eric's safety, as well as that of the actor who played him. He was also fascinated by the alien father, who was clearly very, very drunk, but it made for some good jokes. Also, he hated the excessive product placement.

Jake was the only one who had seen this movie before...and yet, HE DIDN'T WARN ANYBODY! He was also concerned about Eric, although he thought the "falling off the cliff" scene was one of the funniest things he had ever seen. He wanted to see the aliens turn into Xenomorphs.

Larry thinks everyone in this movie is an idiot, and the whole thing should never be shown to human being ever again. He is upset that Michael likes to poke aliens in the eye to get their attention. He is also kinda hot for Courtney...BUT NOT DEBBIE, despite how Derek edited it to sound like he is.

So grab a Coke, get some Skittles, stuff that Big Mac in your food hole, and check out this week's episode!