Hi, everybody! It's time for another thrilling list of thrilling funny tweets designed to delight and, of course, thrill you! Because, let's be honest; everybody needs a little lift now and again. To put it another way, sometimes you're the dog having fun on the trampoline, and sometimes you're this guy:
|Ironically, he named the dog Life.|
Last week, Angry Orange started off his second one hundred days by claiming that the hundred days thing was just some arbitrary garbage that nobody cared about at all, like his tax returns and and his gutting of Obamacare and forcing-through of his bullshit replacement "healthcare" bill before the Congressional Budget Office scored it and his possible collusion with Russia to win the election and his staff potentially being infiltrated by those same Russians and possibly blackmailed with information gathered while illegally meeting with one of their guys but he ignored it and fired the woman who warned him about it because she had the outright nerve to refuse to enforce his illegal and unconstitutional Muslim ban and go around being a woman with opinions! You know--nothing major, right?
Well, it turns out that some folks were a tiny bit upset about all of that, and so much more, and they took to the Twitter Machine to vent about it."We're gonna build a wall!"— Rosé Cuervo (@DerekSheen) May 1, 2017
"Repeal and replace Obamacare!"
"Well...what if we.."
But it seems that Stephen Colbert, formerly host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, and current host of CBS's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, may have taken it a tiny bit too far:Donald Trump is like an asshole and another asshole had a baby.— The Studio Exec (@studioexec1) May 2, 2017
Personally, I don't see the problem, but the FCC is looking into it. Odds are nothing will come of it, and it shouldn't. Colbert is a comedian. This is what he does for a living. And since when are they suddenly so sensitive? Aren't we folks on the Left supposed to be the "delicate snowflakes who need a safe space"?#FireColbert is trending because comedians scare the hell out of this corrupt, evil presidency. They speak truth. ?? pic.twitter.com/wEBhkbpvRf— Anthony Breznican (@Breznican) May 3, 2017
Anyway, they are wanting their guys to boycott Colbert, which will work as well as it did for Kellogg's, Hamilton: The Musical, Starbucks, and whatever other silly-ass stuff they wanted to show who's boss. (SPOILER: It's not them.)
We live in sad times when you hear that a Nazi left Trump's staff and you have to ask which one. #Gorka— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) May 1, 2017
Also, his pals in the House made a spectacle of half-assing their way to victory on their so-called healthcare bill. (Fun Fact: It still has to go to the Senate, and those guys have basically already said, "Fuck that shit. This is garbage. We're writing our own for you assholes to look at.")"What caused the Civil War?"— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2017
Bannon: The Jews!
Sessions: The blacks!
Pence: No! It was the gays!
DeVos: Guys, it was definitely bears.
So, basically, it's dead in the water. Again. But that didn't stop them from celebrating.I went back through cable coverage of every day since Trump's inauguration. Every. Single. Day... I did it for you. pic.twitter.com/9IUJNfhFN5— Alexander Trowbridge (@AlexanderTrow) April 28, 2017
Idiots.Never forget that the House GOP bought a case of beer to celebrate taking away your healthcare. #2018— Ashley Black (@ashleyn1cole) May 4, 2017
|Dramatic interpretation of the Trumpcare Bill|
And I tried to do my best in the kitchen, but it clearly wasn't good enough.#IHaveBeenLedToBelieve that Twitter is where you can say what you want without fear of embarrassment, so...boobies.— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) April 30, 2017
And, as always, I had questions...*Boils ramen noodles, but pours flavor packets into the bowl*— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 1, 2017
*Gordon Ramsey rushes in and punches me*
Guy Fieri, outside in the bushes: pic.twitter.com/Ir2drMG98h
Nigel was in town on his way to go to his sister Vaughn's graduation from Michigan State University!My son is here visiting. We're playing with FaceApp. I LOOK LIKE GARY BUSEY! My son says "GET OFF MY LAWN!" pic.twitter.com/iXXsF7gpWR— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 4, 2017
|Shown here with her proud mom!|
Anyway, congratulations, Vaughn! I love you and I'm so very proud of you!
|To be clear, she's the kid in this metaphor, not the car..|
After the success of DIARY OF A WIMPY KID and DORK DIARIES books, I'm announcing my new series, SHIT WRITTEN DOWN BY A FUCKING IDIOT.— John Moe (@johnmoe) April 30, 2017
Me: Will you miss me?— Rebel Elle (@Not_DeeAnn) April 24, 2017
Him: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
You've heard of Doctors Without— Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2) December 12, 2016
Boarders, well...I'm like a gynecologist
without credentials, same thing.
Anyway, it went ok for a 1st date
I take nitroglycerin for my heart. This way if someone punches me in the chest the resulting explosion will kill us both.— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) May 1, 2017
There's no one sadder than that one cheerleader who decides to turn the t-shirt cannon on herself.— Lemming Däd (@LemmingDad) April 28, 2017
Amazon Prime:— K-2sObi (@ThaJawn) May 3, 2017
So you don't look like this guy pic.twitter.com/zRI3LsIpYI
I changed a mom's tire at daycare with her skinny jeans wearing bf standing there not knowing how. Poor guy. You can't come back from that.— Jeff (@usermcuserface) May 4, 2017
Thank God "dick" rhymes with "pic", because "scrotophoto" takes way too long to type.— Goddamnit, Jason! (@Goddamnit_Jason) May 6, 2017
Singles in your area are rapidly multiplying. The sky grows dark. They block out the sun— donni saphire (@donni) May 6, 2017
And there you have it. Now get out there and have a great week. To help it along, I didn't grab a video this week. But let this dog on a trampoline be your inspiration!I just ran into something called a "juggalo" and chased it for 2 blocks before it started crying. Is this something you can spray for?— Ron Swanson (@RonUSwanson) May 6, 2017
|Have fun, dammit!|
Derek and Bosco