May 3, 2017

Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood

To download and listen to this week's episode, click here!

(A note from Derek: This week, we're trying a new format. As I mentioned during last week's show, I wanted to record while we were watching the movie, that way the listener doesn't miss out on all the ridiculous stuff we say that doesn't get mentioned when we record after. And let's be honest; the main reason we do this is so we can make fun of the movies.

That said, we still talk about the cast, the budget, the box office, etc., and there are still segments like Inside My Head, but they're just before and after we watch the movie. In between, there might be some spots where we aren't saying anything, but you can sort of hear the movie in the background. This is because we're a super low-budget show, and we lack the necessary equipment to just record isolate our voices.

We would really like to hear what you have to say about this new format. Is it better? Worse? Too much of a pain because you'll probably need to watch as you listen? Feel free to let us know. Is it something that's kind of cool once in a while? Or does it anger you? Let us know, either in the comments section here, or on our Facebook page, or our Twitter timelines. But make sure to send the angry replies to Larry. I'm very delicate and my feelings get hurt easily. And, as always, thank you for listening!)

Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway discuss strategy.
This week, the guys sat down to watch the drug and/or alcohol-fueled half-assedness of Dennis Miller's performance in Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood. And, as mentioned above, they recorded the show differently,so you get to hear all the unscripted jokes and jabs they made during the movie. (Yeah, because the usual show is so scripted...) While they suggest that maybe the DVD of the movie might be needed to fully enjoy it, they wouldn't want to put any of you out by making you have to buy the movie. (Except @redtache, who appears to be on a mission to own all of the films they make fun of...and good for him!)

So much cocaine, you guys.
Anyway, we're not going to go through the whole storyline (or multitude thereof) in great detail here. Instead, here's a brief synopsis:

Some little person version of Indiana Jones (Phil Fondacaro) finds a mysterious key somewhere in an isolated jungle. This seems completely unrelated to anything else in the movie.

Meanwhile when Katherine Verdoux's (Erika Eleniak) brother, Caleb (Corey Feldman!), goes missing while out partying with his friends, private detective Rafe Guttman more or less insinuates himself into the case, despite Katherine's complete disinterest in even being in the same room with him. (A reasonable response to Dennis Miller.)

"I smell vicodin and whiskey and failure...
Oh, god...He's right behind me, isn't he?"
When Rafe discovers Caleb was last seen entering a whorehouse, Katherine is even less interested in finding her brother. (Again, this is also a reasonable reaction to Corey Feldman.) However, Rafe believes there's something sketchy going on, and takes a trip to the aforementioned house of ill repute, where he is shoved into a coffin, pushed into an oven, and emerges unscathed and surrounded by giant, fake tits all over the place. He also meets Lilith (Angie Everhart), who appears to be running the place, and also had enormous breasts.

Exhibit A (for "Angie"!) displaying her deft wit against Dennis goddamn Miller.
As you may have guessed from the above photo, the place is not only infested, but is controlled by vampires! And they take in customers to either use as food, or turn into coworkers...? And what could be worse for a place of negotiable affection than some douchey televangelist asshole showing up and throwing cold water over your murder boner?

The answer is Chris Sarandon as Reverend Current, that douchey televangelist asshole!

This man has never touched a guitar in his life.
There's only a 23% chance he'd ever seen one before this moment.
However, once he gets to look at some plastic boobies, he decides the "join the team" (i.e., try to get an employee discount), and finds out almost too late about the vampire part.

Oh, and remember Caleb? Same deal, but he seems to be adapting to it well. Of course, he's already adapted to being Corey Feldman, and if that didn't kill him...

Did you learn nothing from being in The Lost Boys, Corey?
Will Rafe, Current, and Katherine make it out alive? What about Caleb? Lilith? Any of the nameless bare-breasted hookers? (The guys were really pulling for them, to be honest.) Tun in to find out!

Ann Coulter seems okay with the ending.
Jake picked this. And, as poorly-acted as this film was, he argues that this is the sort of thing you should expect from Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman. They were either recovering from or in the throes of a drug/alcohol problem, and were still working. But the movie is good, dumb fun.

Larry thought it was pretty awful. He also thought the cast acted terribly, and wants someone to be held accountable for Dennis Miller being cast as the lead in a movie. But he also offers kudos to Miller because he actually manages to be more lucid and coherent than he ever was on SNL.

Derek agrees that this is stupid fun, but still questions the casting choices. There was some debate as to whether Corey Feldman was on drugs at the time or recovering, but then it was realized that nobody gives a shit. Corey Feldman should have known better. Hell, Angie Everhart should have known better.

So crawl out of your coffin, fire up the VCR, and listen to this week's show while you watch the movie!