Sharknado 5

To listen/download, click here!

Here it finally is! After what seems like months, Derek, Jake and Larry all managed to meet at the same time so they could sit down and watch the most anticipated movie of the year (for people who enjoy cheesy seafood-based weather movies)!

This week, the guys sat down to watch Sharknado 5: Global Swarming! In what two-thirds of the group consider a step back in the right direction after the kind of lackluster Sharknado 4, our heroes Fin (Ian Ziering), April (Tara Reid), and the returning Nova (Cassandra Scerbo) are out to rescue Fin and April's youngest son, Gil (Billy Barratt), from the clutches of a deadly sharknado.

Destroying beautiful architecture, eating people, and now kidnapping?
Let's be honest; these sharks are dicks.

While visiting England to consult with a British scientist (Clay Aiken) about equipment designed to protect citizens from the dangers of sharknados, Fin receives a call for help from Nova, who is in a cavern under Stonehenge, searching for an artifact that was created by what turns out to be ancient sharknado-worshippers. Fin, never one to turn down a chance to do something that is dangerous and helps move the plot along, rushes to give assistance, and the two of them make their way through a shark-themed, Indiana Jones-style room to retrieve the artifact, only to be chased by a rolling shark head made of gold.

Returning to London, Fin and Nova rejoin April and Gil, just in time to meet up with the prime minister (Chris Kattan), who takes them to the scientist, Llewelyn.

Yes...They are both in this movie.

Llewelyn takes them through the collection of protective equipment he has developed, and even straps a new helmet (with, of course, a shark fin on top of it), which will give him protection in even the worst of storms, up to and including a sharknado, conveniently.

And it is convenient, because almost immediately, a sharknado forms in London! (Apparently, they can do that now, and don't need to start over an ocean, where, you know, sharks live.) And it sucks up little Gil, helmet and all!

Fin, April, Nova and Gil even commandeer a double-decker bus to be able to keep up with it, and Nova, who isn't really paying much attention to driving, hits Poison's Bret Michaels. This scene is too awesome to describe, so here's a video clip of the whole sequence. (Apologies for the quality.)

As sharks continue to fall around the city, eating people, the group continues to work their way toward Buckingham Palace. Fin and April leave Gil with Nova so they can more effectively puch sharks and whatnot. Unfortunately, as good as Nova is at blowing up sharks, she is equally not good at babysitting, and she allows the sharknado to suck up Gil. Fortunately, his helmet will protect him.

Meanwhile, Fin finds himself on the back of a shark, which flies through a window at the palace and swallows the crown. Taking control of the situation, Fin manages to steer the shark down some stair, mostly by punching it a lot, until is slides up to a door, which opens to reveal the Queen (Charro). Did we mention this is all just the pre-credit sequence?

You like that, don't you, bitch?! Take it all!

Having now established the hell out of the plot, Fin and April set off to rescue young Gil by bungie-jumping into the sharknado, hoping they can grab him and pull him out. Unfortunately, while they may be pretty strong at the actual shark fighting, their planning sucks on toast, and a shark bites through their bungie cords, causing them (as well as Nova) to be sucked into the sharknado, as well. This is how they discover that the sharknados act as portals that can transport them to anywhere in the world. In this particular case, it drops them on a snow-covered mountain in Switzerland.

The sharknado hits a ski equipment store, which gives Fin an idea; he tells April (who, as you will recall from the last movie, had her body replaced with a robotic one by her father, Gary Busey, and she can now fly) to use a ski as a propellor and create a vortex of her own to cause the sharknado to dissipate. This leads to the greatest moment of non-emotive yelling ever to be captured onscreen.

April, overcome by the raw power she creates from spinning around in circles, starts screaming, and it sounds almost exactly like this (but with less emotional attachment): "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...", but it lasts for roughly two whole minutes and is the most glorious thinig ever seen. It is so captivating that it is hard to remember details about what comes next, until they get sucked into another sharknado and land in Italy.

Once there, they are greeted by Downtown Julie Brown, who takes them to the Vatican to meet the Pope...who is played...by Fabio.

Yes, that Fabio. (As if there are dozens of other Fabios wandering around, all shirtless, with birds crashing into their heads, too.)

After a brief meeting, Pope Fabio gives Fin a new toy to play with. And it is almost...almost...as awesome as April's bland, disinterested screaming.

Hi. I'm Fin Shepard for the Jesus Chainsaw 3000!

A quick trip--via sharknado, natch--to Australia brings the group in contract with Nova's sharknado-fighting "sisterhood", and Dr. Olivia Newton-John, which is fortunate, because the most recent trip destroyed April's robot body, tearing it in half.

While April is being rebuilt and upgraded, Fin discovers that his cousin is part of Nova's group, and decides to abort the idea of saving his young son, who is trapped inside a teleporting sharknado, in favor of trying to rescue his adult cousin, who is on a boat somewhere, preparing to dump some toxic goo into the water in the hopes it will kill all the sharks. Perhaps Fin hit his head somewhere in the last sharknado, causing his reasoning and logic to be skewed. Or maybe he's just an asshole who cares more about his cousin than his own child. It's pretty vague.

Fortunately, the decision is taken from him when the ship sinks, spilling the toxic goo, and creating a giant, glowing murderball of sharks that heads for the coast, where it eats Margaret Cho and her husband.

Fin, Nova and April, fresh from the lab with a newer, sluttier, non-flying body, hitch a ride with another sharknado, which takes them to Japan, where the glowing murderball of sharks had formed into the shape of one giant shark, causing a passerby to refer to it as "Sharkzilla".

A perfect opportunity to create a Kaiju April...ignored.

As the murderball runs rampant through Tokyo, Nova is killed, giving her the opportunity for a Shatner-esque death scene, which she milks like a cow, revealing to Fin that she artifact (remember that?) is designed to create and control sharknados. Oh, and she's pretty sure Gil  (remember hm?) is now dead.

Fin uses the artifact to create a sharknado that takes him and April to Egypt, where they find a secret room inside the Sphinx that houses a mechanism that controls the sharknados! Can they turn it off and save the world? Or will it all go banana-shaped and destroy everything? Or will there be some sort of X-Men-style death scene that ties into a weird-ass Mad Max/Back to the Future hybrid? Tune in to find out!

Larry enjoyed the movie, although he was disappointed in the lack of creative kills by sharks. He feels it was a nice return to form after a pretty lackluster fourth chapter, although he wants more gory death from sharks! Can you blame him?

Jake was disappointed in this film like it was a his stepchild whose only talent is running into a wall with a bucket on its head. He also disagrees with Larry that this is an improvement over the last chapter. Also, Charro?!

Derek sides with Larry on this one, although he argues that the creative kills have to be limited because this isn't a tornado filled with machete-wielding hockey mask wearers. Their bag of tricks is pretty much limited to biting things. But it is all made up for by April's dull, detached scream.

So fire up that chainsaw, keep watching the skies, and listen to this week's episode!

Arachnophobia

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So...Once again, the group was one person short because Jake had to do some family stuff again, so Derek and Larry decided to watch Arachnophobia, the awesome 1990 Stephen Spielberg/Robert Zemeckis flick about a doctor (Jeff Daniels) who moves with his family to a small town to take over the town's retiring physician (Henry Jones), and runs into a batch of killer spiders (uncredited).

We're all named Stuart. Everybody just calls us 'Stu".

The guys ran into one little snag, though: Their pal Barry, over at Cinematic Catharsis posted a written review of the same film this week.

Derek and Larry were in a quandry...A QUANDRY...as to how to handle this situation. Rather than grab a different movie, which would have made this post even later, they agreed to go ahead and watch Arachnophobia. But instead of watching and then going over the same ground that Barry quite capably handles in his post, they decided to go ahead and record themselves watching it, unscripted, and off-the-cuff.

Much to the potential chagrin of our three listeners.

At any rate, they dove in, head-first, and went about saying mean things about a movie that, quite frankly, they actually enjoyed. But do not let that turn you away from listening. There are some good jokes to be had, as well as some actual insight into their thoughts about the story, the effects, and Jeff Daniels' excessive wimpiness.

Realization dawns that in four short years, he will have to work with Jim Carrey.

They also address the gloriousness that is John Goodman.

Drink it in, people. Drink it all in.

Having endeared himself to audiences in such films as Raising Arizona and Always, as well as pretending to tolerate Roseanne on the creatively-named show Roseanne (he should have won all the Emmys for that), he took what at first appears to be a small part as Delbert McClintock, an exterminator who gets drawn into the story when Dr. Jennings (Daniels) calls him to find out if the house Jennings bought for him and his family is infested with termites.

As everybody quickly learns, they have bigger problems on their hands.

This guy, trying to do a David Bowie "Heroes" pose all over the place.
But with a spider.

Fortunately, Delbert is there to be the real hero of this film, because Jennings is about as useless as a unicycle to a fish.

So grab your copy of Arachnophobia (don't pretend you don't have one; everybody does), and listen to this week's show!

Young Guns II

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, the guys had to put off Sharknado 5 (Egad...Who knew we would get that far?) because one of them wasn't able to make it to the recording. So, because Larry had to work, Derek and Jake sat down to watch the follow-up to 1988's Young Guns.

Yoohoo...I'm make you appreciate my brother more...

Young Guns II: Electric Boogaloo takes up a year after the events of the first film. It begins in the late 1940s, with an elderly man called "Brushy Bill" Roberts (Emilio Estevez) meeting with lawyer Charles Phalen (Bradley Whitford) out in the desert of New Mexico, where he reveals to the lawyer that he is actually Billy the Kid. Phalen, naturally, is dubious, knowing that the Kid was supposedly killed by Pat Garrett back in 1881, so he asks what proof the man has, which begins our story...

A year after the Lincoln County War which led to Billy the Kid and his fellow Regulators becoming wanted men, Billy is still out there running around, being an asshole, and hanging out with Pat Garrett (William Peterson) and "Arkansas" Dave Rudabaugh (Christian Slater), shooting people, and rustling cattle.

Guuuurrrrrrrllll!

When word gets back to Billy that Governor Lew Wallace (Scott Wilson) wants to meet with him to discuss a pardon in exchange for Billy's testimony against the Murphy-Dolan men whom he fought against in the Lincoln County War, Billy begins to think it over because it is getting less and less safe for him to stick around Fort Sumner, where even some of the townspeople have tried turning on him, not to mention constant searches from the army.

He meets with Wallace, who agrees to Billy's terms, and then takes him into protective custody before the trial. District Attorney Rynerson (R.D. Call), however, has a different plan and, being the one who chooses who will testify and who won't, tells Billy he won't be allowed on the bench, and wil therefore be hanged for his crimes.

Naturally upset, Billy escapes and heads back to Fort Sumner.

In New York, former Regulator "Doc" Scurlock (Kiefer Sutherland) is now a teacher who is trying to forget about all the things that happened. Unfortunately, he is not given much time, as a group of sheriff's deputies come and collect him to bring back to Lincoln.

When he gets there, he is thrown into a pit and attacked by a bunch of Murphy men who have also been arrested, only to be saved by his old friend, Jose Chavez y Chavez (Lou Diamond Phillips), who comforts Doc with stories about how quickly he will die when he is hanged, and then the Spirit Horse will come for him. What a pal!

However, before they can be hanged, a lynch mob shows up and takes them, only to reveal themselves as Billy, Pat, Dave, and a few friends. When the real lynch mob shows up, the guys get out of town and head back to the fort so they can gather more men and head down to Mexico on the Mexican Blackbird, a broken trail leading there. Doc doesn't want to go, but Billy--and a number of lynch mob guys who followed them--convince him that maybe he ought to give it a try.

Dave, for his part, acts like a dildo, thus filling in for the late "Dirtface"
from the first film.

When only one man--Hendry William French (Alan Ruck)--shows up to join the gang, Billy also enlists a young homeless boy named Tom O'Folliard (Balthazar Getty) to round out the group with a sympathetic character that can be killed-off when the movie starts to make Billy look like the dickweed he is.

More bad news comes when Pat announces that he isn't going with them this time, choosing instead to stay at Fort Sumner and open a restaurant. Billy tries to convince him that coming with the gang is the smart thing, but Pat is having no part of it. The gang heads out to see about getting some money for their trip.

They end up on the ranch of John Chisum (James Coburn), John Tunstall's partner before the Lincoln County War. Chisum, not especially happy to see Billy, basically tells them to get bent when he is told by Billy that he owes them $500 for the fighting they did, as well as for not stealing his cattle. When Chisum continues to refuse, Billy says he will kill one of Chisum's men for every five dollars he "owes" them, and then immediately has two of Chisum's men killed.

After the confrontation with Chisum, Billy and his men decide to steal a bunch of Chisum's cattle and sell them, thus gaining the money they felt they were owed.

Meanwhile, Garrett, now an "honest" man, is contacted by Chisum, Wallace and Ryerson, who offer him the position of Lincoln County Sheriff, a $500 reward, and more money when he brings back Billy, dead or alive. Pat buys some new clothes and gathers his posse together, including Poe (Viggo Mortensen) and a writer named Upson (Jack Kehoe), whom Pat has hired to document his search for Billy.

Poe, like Dave, is also a dildo, but not as fun.

The rest of the movie is basically the hunt for Billy. Tom is killed by Garrett (remember what we said earlier about him?), and the rest of the gang end up hiding behind a couple of rock walls, where Billy finally admits to the rest of the gang that the Mexican Blackbird is not a trail to Mexico, and he had no intention of going there because he would just be another nameless man in Mexico. Doc, reasonably upset, decides he's had enough and walks out. This turns out to be a bad idea.

Chavez! Chavez, they shot my Fruit Gushers and I bit my lip!

The place is surrounded by Garrett and his men, who have exactly zero interest in letting this fight go on any longer.

Doc, already certain to die, runs out with guns drawn to distract Garrett's men while the others escape. It's not a clean escape, as Chavez gets shot, and Billy is captured. Again. But this time, he goes on trial and is sentenced to be hanged.

Will Billy escape again? Will Chavez survive? Will Garrett's mustache regrow and overtake his entire face, making him look like Jojo, the Dog-faced Boy?

Will Brushy Bill ever look and sound like he's not pooping himself when he talks?

 You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is a big fan of this movie. He loves the soundtrack, too. And very specific lines from the film. He's also a huge Joss Whedon fan. Like, really huge. If he loves Joss Whedon so much, he oughta just marry him. Jeez.

Derek is also a big fan of the film. It mixes a nice blend of comedy and drama, as well as a nice visual look. He digs Joss Whedon, too, and is willing to finally admit that Firefly was a pretty good show, and what Joss has done with Marvel is great. But not like Jake. Seriously, dude...get a room...

Anyway, saddle up your horse, grab your Peacemaker, and listen to this week's episode!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody.

I'm going to be honest here; I really did not feel like doing a tweet post this week because, quite frankly, last week was a shitty one. It started with the threat of nuclear war, and it went downhill from there (is that even possible?!?), ending with the murder of a woman in Virginia who thought white supremacy is bad.

This woman, Heather Heyer, was murdered in an act of domestic terrorism,
by a white supremacist named James Alex Fields.

I spent most of the weekend being pissed-off, and getting even angrier when the man who is supposed to be our "leader" waited two whole days before addressing what happened, and when he finally did, it was the most tepid, half-assed response he could muster. It took two more statements and a lot of pressure before he had the sac to step up and say that these Nazi fucktards were bad. Two days went by before he said that. And it was plainly obvious to anyone watching him read his prepared statement from a teleprompter--mind you, this is a guy who has no problem attacking people off-the-cuff who disagree him, but he needs a written statement to say white supremacists are bad--that he did not agree with a single word of it.

And then, when he wasn't lavished with praise for finally saying what he should have said long ago, he threw a hissy fit on Twitter, blaming the media for people not being happy with his bland, disinterested delivery.

So, as I said, I didn't want to do a list this week. But then I realized that is what people like him and his base of disgusting supporters want. Not from me, specifically; odds are none of them know or give a shit who I am. What they want is for people like me--people who think that racism and homophobia and xenophobia are bad, and you should treat people like you want to be treated--to give up. They want us to stop talking about them. They want us to stop pointing out how astoundingly stupid and wrong they are, and using actual real facts to prove it.

Not gonna happen.

So, while I am absolutely certain my little cavalcade of dick jokes that I put out every week will have exactly zero impact on those who don't agree with my views, I'd like to hope that someone who thinks that everything has gone completely to hell comes by here and finds a little oasis of funny that gives them a small smile or laugh so they can keep going and find a better day coming.

*****

So, as I said, the week started with Angry Orange and Kim Jung Un waving their nuclear dicks at each other.

North Korea launched another missile, this one reportedly able to carry a small nuclear warhead far enough to possibly hit the West Coast. Reactions were varied, although not unexpected. Most sane humans were very concerned that a tiny Korean Millennial was willing to have his small country turned into a glowing mass of melted goop in order to try proving that he was a big boy, despite looking like a chubby lesbian 'tween.

Not Angry Orange, though! No, the man who avoided military service with five deferments because of "bone spurs" (which don't seem to stop him from enjoying a lot of golf) decided to say that the U.S. was "locked and loaded" if North Korea tried anything.

L'il Kim, not impressed, offered to fire one at Guam, a U.S. territory, to prove he has a bigger winkie than the blustery orange shithead (this is probably true, but that's not the point), and the orange shithead pushed even harder.

Fortunately, the guys who actually do the blowing up of stuff said, "Ehhh...We're not going to do that," and basically told Angry Orange to stop saying stupid shit, and things appear to have possibly cooled off a little.

That didn't stop some great reactions from the folks on Twitter, though.

It's ok, everybody, I know our sarcastic tweets did the best they could to stop the nuclear war.

— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) August 8, 2017

Trying to tweet something funny about nuclear war before it's too late to get those retweets.

— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) August 8, 2017

I'm being proactive rn with this whole north korea thing, that's right, I'm on the toilet with a cowboy hat so I can leave a funny skeleton

— Christian (@nopoweradeinusa) August 9, 2017

THE 60s ARE BACK!

HIGH-WAISTED SHORTS!
A-LINE DRESSES!
THE EVER-PRESENT FEAR OF NUCLEAR WAR!
SKINNY TIES!

— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) August 9, 2017

"Well, I'm certainly concerned," said Sen. Lindsay Graham, staring at the mushroom cloud. "It's very troubling," added Sen. Ben Sasse.

— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) August 8, 2017

Somewhere in Nashville, Toby Keith is trying to rhyme "North Korea" with something about America kicking ass.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 4, 2013

There were a lot of other great ones, and I would suggest looking for them, I'd have added more, but I wanted this post to be less than novel-length.

*****

The middle part of the week was surprisingly quiet because Angry Orange was in New Jersey on vacation, ostensibly because the Oval Office was being renovated--no doubt, they were fitting it with ridiculous and pointless gold garbage to appease the giant baby-man who last week called the White House a "dump".

Oh, he claimed it wasn't a vacation, but when photos of him on his golf course there starting cropping up, he stepped up and called it a "working vacation". Whatever, dude. You were fucking off and we all know it.

It was so uninteresting, in fact, that I didn't even bother to grab any tweets about it.

And then the weekend came...

*****

Friday night, a bunch of tiki torch-waving KKK and Nazi and Aryan Brotherhood douche nozzles went to Charlottesville, VA, claiming it was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee. It should be noted that the statue's removal had been voted on by the city council, and it would have been moved from the park where it stood, to a museum.

So, a "protest" was organized in order to protect this "historical emblem of Southern heritage." (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) What it really was, as best as I can tell, was just another chance for those clowns to stir up some shit.

Emboldened by a "president" who cozied up to them, these dirtbags left their white hoods home, choosing instead to dress in the uniform of their hero: white polo shirts, khaki pants, Hitler Youth haircuts, and those stupid red hats.

Fortunately, that meant a lot of them had their pictures taken, and a guy who runs a Twitter account called @YesYoureRacist started posting those pictures, asking people to identify them and contact their friends, family, and employers. This worked quite well, and a number of them did, in fact, lose their jobs, and there's at least one whose family disowned him. Good times!

The lesson here is pretty simple:

If you’re mad that being photographed at a Nazi rally is ruining your life

maybe don’t be a nazi

you piece of shit

— Woomy-Tang Clan (@jephjacques) August 13, 2017

If you recognize any of the people who haven't been identified yet, please let @YesYoureRacist know. Suck it, Nazis!

*****

The next day, the activities continued. Along with the death of Heather Heyer, 19 other people were injured when James Alex Fields plowed his car into a crowd of counter-protesters. Also, a guy named Deandra Harris was beaten with wooden planks and a metal post by a group of white supremacists not fifteen feet from the entrance of a police station.

But that doesn't mean the Nazis won:

RICHARD SPENCER ARRESTED LOL NAZI SCUM FUCK OFF pic.twitter.com/dXbbOW1xTu

— Whitney Moore (@TweetneyMoore) August 12, 2017

Great photobomb! @TrueFactsStated pic.twitter.com/uxGxmjxXzd

— mmmm1026 (@mmmm1026) August 13, 2017

wow, i love art pic.twitter.com/6AwULRa1va

— nañi (@pettyblackgirI) August 13, 2017

A lot of businesses in downtown Charlottesville with these signs. pic.twitter.com/fyebIpgqnF

— Christopher Mathias (@letsgomathias) August 12, 2017

When word came back to Angry Orange of stuff going on, he reacted exactly like I expected him to.

Nazis in the streets of America. The "president" springs into action. "Charlottesville sad!" pic.twitter.com/rKbmZjTpXB

— David Waldman, LLC (@KagroX) August 12, 2017

A goddamn hockey team can denounced these Nazis but the fake president can't, @realDonaldTrump? You sad piece of shit.

— Mike Cecconi (@Cecconi140) August 12, 2017

The best today is @nbc reporter @PeterAlexander asking VP Pence abt Trump's statement: "the President said 'many sides.' Name the sides."

— Sherrilyn Ifill (@Sifill_LDF) August 14, 2017

And that's when his own personal shitstorm started, culminating in being slapped down by retired Congressman John Dingell (from right here in Michigan).

I signed up to fight Nazis 73 years ago and I'll do it again if I have to.

Hatred, bigotry, & fascism should have no place in this country.

— John Dingell (@JohnDingell) August 12, 2017

Yes! A 91-year-old retired Congressman served a helping of "Go Fuck Yourself" to Angry Orange, and I believe his words!
*****

Over on Twitter, an account called @JuliusGoat posted a thread that you really should read all of. Please take a minute to do that. I'll wait.

Imagine if these people ever faced actual oppression. pic.twitter.com/dhPCbtfEjO

— Julius Goat (@JuliusGoat) August 12, 2017

*****

One last thing: Sometimes these guys only understand when their bullshit is turned right back around on them. A perfect example is the press conference where the asshat who organized the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville got so scared of the crowd shouting him down that he ran away like a little bitch.

Other times, mockery works.

This guy allegedly tried to start a KKK rally. Then this happened. 😂#kkk #kkkrally #racism #resist #resistance #TheResistance #nomorehate pic.twitter.com/aAcjXCMTZW

— Don't Leave Blank (@WTFisGoingOnDon) August 8, 2017

You have a bigger arsenal to work with than they do, even without weapons. Do not let them take that away.

*****

Now...How about some tweets?

Despite the shitty beginning and end of the week, there were a lot of funny things said, and I grabbed some to show to you because that's just how my brain works. Let's have a look, shall we? In no particular order...

In the cartoon version of Punky Brewster they gave her a magical friend and I don’t have a joke, I’m just really pissed off about that

— REW (@therealeatwood) July 6, 2015

Relationship Status: Sitting butt ass naked in a beanbag chair, eating handfuls of spaghetti with a Nintendo Powerglove.

— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) August 7, 2017

Comrades, Communism is about sharing pic.twitter.com/nEmnPUp5Fd

— michael 🐿 koh (@ughHugs) August 8, 2017

This steel belted piñata is amazing. My candy bills have plummeted.

— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) August 1, 2017

I knew a guy with a weird speech impediment and I couldn't tell if he was saying math or meth. Anyway, he died doing equations or something.

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 9, 2017

Don't ever change, internet... pic.twitter.com/8DZha01Hu5

— benerdist (@benerdist) August 8, 2017

It's pranking! with! maddie! Acquire 9 strands of horse tail hair. Leave them in obvious places around ur friend's house. O no! Ghost horse!

— madds (@whatmaddness) August 4, 2017

This is just a guess, but it could be because that's a rotary phone. pic.twitter.com/SgHgXASNW3

— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) May 14, 2017

*Bob Ross paints a tranquil lake scene*
"Well, tranquil NOW," he murmurs as he smooths the lake surface over Waldo's final air bubbles

— Witchy Woman (@dreamthievin) August 3, 2017

I drive a small car because parking is so much easier lol.

Also, to compensate for my big vagina.

— I'm not funny (@Priscilla_YEAH) July 21, 2017

And there you have it! Now get out there and try to have a better week. Don't let these shitbags win.

I don't have a video this week, so I suggest finding one on your own to bring a smile to your face.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Creepshow

To listen or download, click here!

This week, Jake couldn't be here for the show, so Derek and Larry sat down to watch the Stephen King/George Romero classic anthology, Creepshow!

The movie starts with a pre-credit sequence about a boy named Billy (Joe Hill). His dad (Tom Atkins) is unreasonably--violently, even--upset that Billy managed to somehow...buy a comic book. (*Gasp!*)

While Billy tries to stand his own ground, going so far as to point out that his comic book is no worse than the porno magazines his father keeps in his underwear drawer, the old man gets even angrier and smacks Billy around a bit, while Mom (Iva Jean Saracini) stands by and looks worried.

Porn, you say?

Then Billy tries a different tactic, going all soft and squishy with his dad, but to no avail. His father takes the comic book and throws it in the trash, where the wind picks it up and opens it to the first story! What are the odds?

Father's Day

It is Father's Day, and the family--Sylvia (Carrie Nye), Cass (Elizabeth Regan), Richard (Warner Shook), and Hank (Ed Harris)--are waiting for crazy Aunt Bedelia (Vivica Lindfors) to show up so they can eat ham.

While they wait, Sylvia tells Hank about the Father's Day that Bedelia killed her own father (E.G. Marshall); when Bedelia was younger, she fell in love with a man that her father did not approve of. As rich people tend to do (right?), her father had the man killed "accidentally" during a hunting trip. Bedelia was upset, naturally, and was even more upset when her father, who by this point was confined to a wheelchair, constantly badgered her about what a terrible daughter she was.

Finally fed up, Bedelia bashed the old man's head in with a marble ashtray.

Bedelia finally arrives, but before she goes to the house, she strolls out to her father's grave, where she drinks a bunch of whiskey and swears at his tombstone a lot, until he's heard enough, and he comes out of the ground to strangle her.

Mother of God, just shut up, will you?

After an hour, Hank goes outside to creatively light a match, and he sees movement in the graveyard, so he investigates. When he gets there, he finds the mostly-empty whiskey bottle, and, when he falls backwards into the now empty grave, Bedelia's body. He looks up to find Father standing over him, using the Force to make the pillar on the gravestone fall and crush Hank's head.

Sylvia checks on the maid in the kitchen, now concerned that the ham will be too dry from waiting too long--this family really likes its ham. What she finds instead is Father, who has killed the maid, stuffed her into the walk-in freezer, and found a knife. This can't end well for Sylvia.

After a further wait, in which Cass disco dances by herself while Richard slowly gets shitfaced, the two of them decide to see what the holdup is with the ham. (See?) They trudge into the kitchen...and what do they find?

The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill

Stephen King himself takes on the Oscar-worthy role of Jordy Verrill, a hillbilly loser who lives in rural Maine. (Which is, what? All of it?) One night, while out in the field behind his house, he sees a meteor crash further back in the field and goes to investigate.

What he finds is exactly that: a meteor. And, like any brain-damaged bumpkin would, he decides to take it to the museum and sell it. But when he tries to pick it up, he burns his fingers, causing a bunch of nasty looking blisters that, again, after touching a gross and mysterious meteor that fell from outer space, he immediately puts in his mouth and sucks on. Gross.

With daydreams of a bottomless payout (which, in this case, means about two hundred dollars), Jordy fetches some water to cool off the meteor so he can pick it up and put it in a bucket. Unfortunately, the cool water on the hot rock splits it in half, and a bunch of bright blue meteor jizz dribbles out of it.

Undaunted, Jordy throws the whole mess in a bucket and takes it inside, where he sits down with some Ripple and watches 'rasslin' until he notices something strange; on his fingers, where he touched the meteor, some sort of moss starts growing. Duly upset, he rushes to the kitchen and mixes up some vodka and orange juice. He knocks it back and dozes off.

Like any guy, he assumes if he ignores it, it will go away.

When he wakes up, he finds the moss has grown all over him (including, after a brief search, on his junk), and it itches. So he thinks that maybe a bath might fix it. However, a vision of his father (Bingo O'Malley) tells him that this might not be the wisest move, as water tends to make plants grow. However, Jordy ignores his dead father and hops into the tub.

Later the next day, Jordy is covered head-to-toe in moss. So is his house. He only wants it to end, so he reaches for his shotgun and hopes his luck turns in his favor for a change...

Something to Tide You Over

Richard (Leslie Nielsen) is a little upset with Harry (Ted Danson) when he finds out that Harry is having an affair with Becky (Gaylen Ross), Richard's wife.

When Richard goes to confront Harry, after checking Harry's cable connection, he tells Harry that, if he ever wants to see Becky again, he should come with him, so they go for a ride. Harry, to be honest, doesn't seem particularly sorry, although he does say that he and Becky were going to tell Richard.

Their final destination is the beach on Richard's property. When they come over a dune, Harry sees a pile of sand and runs to it, assuming that Richard has buried Becky there. However, it is just a big ol' hole, and Richard, holding a gun on him, tells Harry to get in it and pull the sand in behind him.

Finally buried up to his neck, Harry demands to see Becky, and Richard leaves for a bit so he can help that happen. When he comes back, he has run cable from his house's closed circuit video feed, and he sets a TV in front of Harry which shows Becky, somewhere further down the beach, also buried up to her neck, and the tide is coming in.

Richard tells Harry that, if he can hold his breath long enough, he could potentially survive, but Becky is panicking, so it looks like she's not going to make it. He then leaves Harry to whatever fate awaits him.

Back home, Richard watches as Harry is covered by the tide, and then returns to the beach to gather up the TV and cable. Oddly, he can't find Harry, but assumes he drowned and washed away with the tide.

Later, Richard has a shower, which is interrupted by noises out in the other part of the house. He grabs a gun and goes to check things out, and is confronted by Harry and Becky.

Or Glenn Danzig and the girl from The Ring.

They have plans for Richard out on the beach...

The Crate

A janitor (Don Keefer) at the local college finds a crate under some stairs while searching for a quarter he dropped. The crate has markings that suggest it was from an Arctic expedition back in 1834. He decides to call Professor Stanley (Fritz Weaver) so he can maybe have a look at it and figure out what the deal is with it.

Professor Stanley comes to the college and, with the help of the janitor, takes it into one of the labs so they can have a look at what's inside. Whatever it is grabs the janitor, drags him inside the crate, and eats him. Needless to say, Professor Stanley is a little upset, so he goes running outside and bumps into a student, who notices that the professor is covered in blood and babbling like a tongueless lunatic. When he goes back to the lab with the professor, the crate is missing.

A quick search reveals that the crate is back under the stairs, and the student starts to get a little nervous, possibly assuming that Professor Stanley offed the janitor himself. But when he goes inside the enclosure under the stairs, a huge claw comes out, followed by a large mouth with a bunch of needle-like teeth, and eats him.

By this point, Professor Stanley is a little upset, so he calls his friend and chess partner, Henry (Hal Holbrook), who is attending a party with his obnoxious and drunk wife, Wilma (Adrienne Barbeau). Glad for a chance to get away, he meets Professor Stanley back at his house and gets the whole story. Needless to say, he is dubious.

However, as a good friend, he has to see. He gives Professor Stanley a drink with a sleeping pill in it and, when he is asleep, sneaks out to check on this crate. What he finds is pretty much what his friend described: blood everywhere and the crate under the stairs.

He cleans up the mess and then, in a flash of creativity, calls his wife, telling her she needs to come down and talk to a student that Professor Stanley got pregnant and is hiding under the stairs. Wilma, who loves gossip and is absolutely horrible, agrees to come down.

When she gets there, Henry convinces her to go in the space where the crate is, and then starts pushing her against the crate, hoping the monster will get her.

Yer purty!

It does. But now, Henry has to figure out what to do with the crate...

They're Creeping Up On You

Remember the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with all the bugs? It's like that, but with a cranky old guy (which is more Crystal Skull than Temple of Doom).

An elderly Troll doll!

That pretty much covers the whole story, really, aside from a subplot about a guy who killed himself because this guy took over his company. Really. That's it. Move along.

Epilogue

The next day, the garbage men come and take away the trash, including the comic book from the opening. One of the trash men (Marty Schiff) looks through the comic with the other (Tom Savini). Both joke about the different stuff you could order from comics, including a voodoo doll, the order form for which is missing.

Meanwhile, Billy's parents are downstairs, having breakfast, and waiting for Billy to come down. His dad complains about his sore neck, and then starts having spasms. Upstairs, Billy jabs another needle into his new voodoo doll...

Derek liked this flick, although some of the acting was WAY over the top. However, he realizes that it's a comic book-type movie, so you're gonna get that. He also thinks Stephen King should never act again. (Why bother when he has hit perfection already?)

Larry also likes it, although he feels it doesn't hold up well. After all, it came out in 1982. Still, there are some good scares, and he thinks Fluffy--the monster from "The Crate"--is just the coolest critter out there. He may very well be right.

So get out your comic books and listen to this week's episode!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Welp, another week, another...er...seven days. I'll be honest; I almost didn't even bother with a list this week because there are just so many stories to write about. But I chose to forge ahead, because, if nothing else, I get to share some funny tweets from the great folks I follow on Twitter. And really, that's what this is all about.

Still, there's stuff happening, and I need to talk about it. I also want to reuse some of the Gary Busey and Nicolas Cage GIFs I've got laying around.

Let the healing begin.

As I mentioned last week, Anthony "Mooch" Scaramucci is out as Angry Orange's communications director. Turns out that calling reporters and going off on obscenity-filled tirades about your coworkers tends to turn off your boss--even the angry rotting pumpkin that currently squats in the White House. (He prefers to do that sort of thing himself.)

Without a doubt, one of the funniest things I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/mStah8zJBK

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) August 5, 2017

A lot of folks are speculating that the addition of General John Kelly--the new Chief of Staff brought in after Reince Priebus was given the boot--is what brought about Mooch's removal. I have my own theory, as do others.

To be fair, Mooch said he would fire ALL the leakers. And he DID leak that Priebus was going to be fired. Sooo...

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) July 31, 2017

One can only guess how the rest of the White House staff was reacting.

I guess we all know how Steven Bannon is gonna celebrate today's big news.

— Jimmy Traina (@JimmyTraina) July 31, 2017

Yeah...That's...that's probably true.

Or like this. We just...don't...know!

Meanwhile, Angry Orange is considering Mooch's replacement, and the current frontrunner appears to be Forrest Gump simulacrum Stephen Miller. Nobody seems impressed.

Stephen Miller is like if Riff-Raff stopped doing the time warp and started doing reddit. pic.twitter.com/YPSsfUbzfl

— Rafi Schwartz (@TheJewishDream) August 3, 2017

I'll bet he knows exactly what paint chips taste like pic.twitter.com/nYq32xEem1

— Tim has issues (@LaptopShopWH) August 4, 2017

pic.twitter.com/7jR5d5qEt5

— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) August 2, 2017

Personally, I'll stick with the Gump references. Go ahead and look at him and picture him saying, "Why don't you love me, Jen-nay?"

Run, Forrest! Run!

Transcripts of phone calls Angry Orange made to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull were leaked last week, and neither of those ended up making him look good.

With Nieto, Angry Orange spent most of the call badgering him about saying that Mexico would not pay for the wall he wants to build along the border. And while Nieto kept insisting that, since Mexico had exactly zero intention of paying a single penny for it, Angry Orange kept demanding that Nieto had to stop saying that publicly because it was making him look bad.

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox has supported Nieto's stance very...enthusiastically.

Hey Trump, I'm watching this really bad reality TV show with low ratings called Survivor White House. I can't change the channel. Sad!

— Vicente Fox Quesada (@VicenteFoxQue) July 31, 2017

President Obama is trending. Vicente Fox just got away with saying "we'll never pay for that fucking wall" on CNN. I like this day already.

— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) August 4, 2017

The call with PM Turnbull didn't go much better when Angry Orange started complaining about a bunch of immigrants that former President Obama had agreed to take here, provided they pass vetting--a point that Angry Orange did not seem able to comprehend. He also kept referring to them as "prisoners", which they were not. Basically, he didn't want to do anything that President Obama had agreed to. And when Turnbull tried calmly explaining things to him, Angry Orange basically hung up on him. Dick.

You can't say that, Enrique! I've been saying you will pay for the wall!

In a further blow to Angry Orange's ego and ongoing attempt to make everybody believe that all of this is completely normal, it has been announced that at least two grand juries have been convened to look into Russian meddling in the 2016 election, as well as money-laundering done through his organization. The media reported as they saw fit.

CNN: Grand Jury
MSNBC: Grand Jury
Fox News: Is zebras a kind of horse?

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) August 3, 2017

A few days ago pic.twitter.com/Gft86ZJ49J

— Ian Sayre (@knifefighthero) August 3, 2017

Next week on Fox News, someone will just jingle their keys in front of the camera, much to the wonder and amusement of their viewers.

They're SO SHINY!

And, finally, douchebag "pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli got some bad news.

"Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli found guilty in securities fraud trial https://t.co/6YSjQQ3Enz pic.twitter.com/HU2uQ0RxYe

— Chicago Tribune Biz (@ChiTribBiz) August 4, 2017

Comedian Patton Oswalt, who verbally bitch-slapped him a few months back when Shkreli started bad-mouthing both Oswalt and Stephen Colbert, responded, wishing him the best of luck in his soon-to-be new digs.

"S'up playas? I tell you guys how I bought that secret Wu-Tang album?"
*pummeled with battery-filled sweatsock* https://t.co/ylrjhhgM2t

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 4, 2017

 I assume that this will be what Fox talks about when the grand juries hand down Angry Orange's indictments later this month.

And now, to Sean Hannity, who will tell you why everything is completely fine...

And then there were tweets. So many tweets. Let's get right to 'em! In no particular order...

Sick of seeing so many unrealistic beauty standards for women in modern society pic.twitter.com/O4oeZfnghy

— Kiss Me Kate (@KatieBurnett) July 25, 2017

Best way I have found to get over a crush is go to a party she'll be at, accidentally eat 3 LSD brownies & discover she's a spy for Sauron.

— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) March 26, 2017

This week I decided to narrate a mighty strong gentleman working out as Morgan Freeman. Wait till the end... #freemanfridays pic.twitter.com/jsqo9z8MKQ

— Ross Patterson (@StJamesStJames) August 5, 2017

A group of Bostonians is called a chowda.

— Trusted Shoe (@Trustedshoe) August 2, 2017

Gritty reboot of The Giving Tree. pic.twitter.com/tCOdpSRqsr

— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) July 30, 2017

how to tell if summer is almost over:
•flowers are heading south
•the beach is almost out of sand
•saw someone eating a pumpkin at Starbucks

— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 2, 2017

Relationship Status: Motorboating a bucket of fried chicken breasts while I shout my ex's name.

— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) August 4, 2017

too late for sorry sue, you know my lactose intolerance causes me to shit through the eye of a needle... pic.twitter.com/e97z5JYJ0w

— forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) July 31, 2017

I just karate chopped through 17 pop-tarts.

— Thrill Hicks (@ThrillHicks) August 5, 2017

COME SAIL AWAY COME SAIL AWAY COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME pic.twitter.com/LmLxI1CPdX

— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) August 3, 2017

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help that along, here's a helpful bit of advice from Garfunkel and Oates!


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

To listen and/or download, click here!

120 episodes ago, Derek and Jake sat down with their friend Jess, who was filling in for Larry, to watch Birdemic, a movie about a mentally-challenged software salesman and the girl he loved, and their fight against evil, acid-spewing, exploding birds. The film's writer and director, James Nguyen, had made a movie that encompassed his love of Alfred Hitchcock, the environment, and driving...lots and lots of driving. Really, what more did he have to say?

Well, after Birdemic gained a massive cult following, he had a lot more he wanted to say, as it turns out. He wanted to talk about his feelings toward Hollywood, and the things he had gone through to make the first movie. He wanted to have a further serious discussion about the environment. And, more than anything else, we think, he wanted to try catching lightning in a bottle a second time.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

And so, the guys found themselves sitting down once again to view the sequel, Birdemic 2: The Resurrection.

This sequel brings back Alan Bagh and the lovely Whitney Moore, the stars of the original, as Rod and Nathalie. Not to mention Rick Camp as Dr. Jones, Stephen Gustavson as the tree-hugger, and Coleon Osborne as Tony (the little boy Rod and Nathalie rescued in the first movie), and Patsy van Ettinger as Nancy, Nathalie's mom. As a bonus, singer Damien Carter returns for a follow-up to his smash hit, "Hangin' Out with the Family"!

Rounding out the cast are Thomas Favaloro as Bill, Chelsea Turnbo as Gloria, and Brittany N. Pierce as Jessica.

Join us...

Bill is a filmmaker, and, much like a certain Hitchcock-obsessed, Vietnamese director we all know, he is trying to get a movie made. So he contacts his friends, Rod and Nathalie, to talk to them about trying to find the $1 million he needs to make it happen.

At the restaurant, while he's waiting for his friends to show up, he meets the waitress, Gloria, who also happens to be an actress. She's cute, blond, and willing to pretend he is not a completely abhorrent human being, so Bill immediately takes a shine to her, going so far as to offer her the lead in his movie, Sunset Dreams without so much as an audition. She's totally into the idea, despite the fact that Bill looks exactly like the kind of guy who might try to trick women into doing sex stuff on camera for his website.

Unhinge my jaw? Why?

When Rod and Nathalie arrive, Bill pitches his movie, and Rod immediately writes a check for $100,000 to secure the rights to the script. He also offers to set up a meeting to see about getting the rest of the funding. All he wants in return is a part for Nathalie in the film. Bill is agreeable.

At the meeting, which may or may not include Rod's old boss from NCT Software (it is never made clear), there are a few issues brought up ("Where are the tits?"), but after some of Rod's smooth talking, the investors agree to hand over the money to get Bill's movie made. An awkward series of hugs and excessive clapping ensue.

Am I doing it right, humans? I am one of you!

To celebrate, Bill asks Gloria out on a double date with Rod and Nathalie. They visit a museum, where Tony reveals that, due to Rod's ineptitude in the first movie, his sister was now dead. But everybody is having a good time, so it's okay. They also run into Dr. Jones, who warned them about the bird flu in the first movie. He gives lectures now, but is still kind of a downer. He tells them a story, in the form of a flashback, about cave people being attacked by birds while they are having sex. It's really uncomfortable for everybody.

Later, while the four of them are walking on the beach (they've ditched Tony at this point), the come across a woman who is attacked by a giant jumbo jellyfish! "A giant jumbo jellyfish?" we hear you asking? Yes, a giant jumbo jellyfish! They call an ambulance, and the scene ends without contributing anything at all toward moving the plot along.

But then...things start to happen...

Initially, it's just your average blood rain that resurrects prehistoric birds and cave people that had been lost in the tar pits. You're gonna get that with your blood rain.

Yup. And you might get the occasional zombie outbreak, as well.

When the birds attack (finally!) during the first day of shooting, the four take charge, also bringing in a few hangers-on to use as human shields. They grab some guns and start shooting everything with wings. And, in Nathalie's case, one actress who got in the way. They run around the studio lot, shooting birds and trying to rescue people, but the only one they manage to save is Jessica, who was trapped in a cabin on an Old West set.

The group escapes from the attack and piles into an RV so they can get somewhere safe. Along the way, Bill stops to check on some people who may be dead and gets at least one of the group killed. Then he takes a shortcut through a cemetery, where they come across the zombies we mentioned in the caption above. The zombies attack, and they kill Jessica, the one person this group of idiots managed to rescue from the studio. Good job.

But they seemed so organized!

Having had enough of Bill's poor decision, Rod steps up and makes a poor decision of his own. He stops the RV to check on a couple of people they see walking along the street. It turns out that these people are the cave people that were resurrected from the tar pits, and they have no time for Rod and Bill's bullshit, so they attack, kicking the shit out of the two of them until Nathalie and Gloria come to the rescue.

Will Rod and Bill continue to put themselves and their friends in danger? Will Nathalie step up and finally take control from these two dim-witted chunkheads? Will they see any of their old friends? Will this goddamn movie ever end?

You'll have to tune in to see!

Derek picked this movie, and he absolutely loves Whitney Moore's complete lack of fucks to give concerning Rod's safety and incompetence. At one point, after his beating by a cave woman, she tells him, "Get up. You're fine." It felt real.

Larry is conflicted. He liked making fun of it, but felt he was still getting the short end of the stick by having to actually look at the images on the screen. He compensates by focusing on Whitney Moore's "I know what I'm doing" attitude. She's really neat.

Jake wishes he'd stayed on vacation for another week, although he does admit that director James Nguyen managed to throw in enough twists and turns this time around to keep the viewer wondering just what the heck was going to happen next.

So get your coat hangers and endless ammunition clips, and listen to this week's episode!