August 10, 2017

Creepshow

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This week, Jake couldn't be here for the show, so Derek and Larry sat down to watch the Stephen King/George Romero classic anthology, Creepshow!

The movie starts with a pre-credit sequence about a boy named Billy (Joe Hill). His dad (Tom Atkins) is unreasonably--violently, even--upset that Billy managed to somehow...buy a comic book. (*Gasp!*)

While Billy tries to stand his own ground, going so far as to point out that his comic book is no worse than the porno magazines his father keeps in his underwear drawer, the old man gets even angrier and smacks Billy around a bit, while Mom (Iva Jean Saracini) stands by and looks worried.

Porn, you say?
Then Billy tries a different tactic, going all soft and squishy with his dad, but to no avail. His father takes the comic book and throws it in the trash, where the wind picks it up and opens it to the first story! What are the odds?

Father's Day

It is Father's Day, and the family--Sylvia (Carrie Nye), Cass (Elizabeth Regan), Richard (Warner Shook), and Hank (Ed Harris)--are waiting for crazy Aunt Bedelia (Vivica Lindfors) to show up so they can eat ham.

While they wait, Sylvia tells Hank about the Father's Day that Bedelia killed her own father (E.G. Marshall); when Bedelia was younger, she fell in love with a man that her father did not approve of. As rich people tend to do (right?), her father had the man killed "accidentally" during a hunting trip. Bedelia was upset, naturally, and was even more upset when her father, who by this point was confined to a wheelchair, constantly badgered her about what a terrible daughter she was.

Finally fed up, Bedelia bashed the old man's head in with a marble ashtray.

Bedelia finally arrives, but before she goes to the house, she strolls out to her father's grave, where she drinks a bunch of whiskey and swears at his tombstone a lot, until he's heard enough, and he comes out of the ground to strangle her.

Mother of God, just shut up, will you?
After an hour, Hank goes outside to creatively light a match, and he sees movement in the graveyard, so he investigates. When he gets there, he finds the mostly-empty whiskey bottle, and, when he falls backwards into the now empty grave, Bedelia's body. He looks up to find Father standing over him, using the Force to make the pillar on the gravestone fall and crush Hank's head.

Sylvia checks on the maid in the kitchen, now concerned that the ham will be too dry from waiting too long--this family really likes its ham. What she finds instead is Father, who has killed the maid, stuffed her into the walk-in freezer, and found a knife. This can't end well for Sylvia.

After a further wait, in which Cass disco dances by herself while Richard slowly gets shitfaced, the two of them decide to see what the holdup is with the ham. (See?) They trudge into the kitchen...and what do they find?

The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill

Stephen King himself takes on the Oscar-worthy role of Jordy Verrill, a hillbilly loser who lives in rural Maine. (Which is, what? All of it?) One night, while out in the field behind his house, he sees a meteor crash further back in the field and goes to investigate.

What he finds is exactly that: a meteor. And, like any brain-damaged bumpkin would, he decides to take it to the museum and sell it. But when he tries to pick it up, he burns his fingers, causing a bunch of nasty looking blisters that, again, after touching a gross and mysterious meteor that fell from outer space, he immediately puts in his mouth and sucks on. Gross.

With daydreams of a bottomless payout (which, in this case, means about two hundred dollars), Jordy fetches some water to cool off the meteor so he can pick it up and put it in a bucket. Unfortunately, the cool water on the hot rock splits it in half, and a bunch of bright blue meteor jizz dribbles out of it.

Undaunted, Jordy throws the whole mess in a bucket and takes it inside, where he sits down with some Ripple and watches 'rasslin' until he notices something strange; on his fingers, where he touched the meteor, some sort of moss starts growing. Duly upset, he rushes to the kitchen and mixes up some vodka and orange juice. He knocks it back and dozes off.

Like any guy, he assumes if he ignores it, it will go away.
When he wakes up, he finds the moss has grown all over him (including, after a brief search, on his junk), and it itches. So he thinks that maybe a bath might fix it. However, a vision of his father (Bingo O'Malley) tells him that this might not be the wisest move, as water tends to make plants grow. However, Jordy ignores his dead father and hops into the tub.

Later the next day, Jordy is covered head-to-toe in moss. So is his house. He only wants it to end, so he reaches for his shotgun and hopes his luck turns in his favor for a change...

Something to Tide You Over

Richard (Leslie Nielsen) is a little upset with Harry (Ted Danson) when he finds out that Harry is having an affair with Becky (Gaylen Ross), Richard's wife.

When Richard goes to confront Harry, after checking Harry's cable connection, he tells Harry that, if he ever wants to see Becky again, he should come with him, so they go for a ride. Harry, to be honest, doesn't seem particularly sorry, although he does say that he and Becky were going to tell Richard.

Their final destination is the beach on Richard's property. When they come over a dune, Harry sees a pile of sand and runs to it, assuming that Richard has buried Becky there. However, it is just a big ol' hole, and Richard, holding a gun on him, tells Harry to get in it and pull the sand in behind him.

Finally buried up to his neck, Harry demands to see Becky, and Richard leaves for a bit so he can help that happen. When he comes back, he has run cable from his house's closed circuit video feed, and he sets a TV in front of Harry which shows Becky, somewhere further down the beach, also buried up to her neck, and the tide is coming in.

Richard tells Harry that, if he can hold his breath long enough, he could potentially survive, but Becky is panicking, so it looks like she's not going to make it. He then leaves Harry to whatever fate awaits him.

Back home, Richard watches as Harry is covered by the tide, and then returns to the beach to gather up the TV and cable. Oddly, he can't find Harry, but assumes he drowned and washed away with the tide.

Later, Richard has a shower, which is interrupted by noises out in the other part of the house. He grabs a gun and goes to check things out, and is confronted by Harry and Becky.

Or Glenn Danzig and the girl from The Ring.
They have plans for Richard out on the beach...

The Crate

A janitor (Don Keefer) at the local college finds a crate under some stairs while searching for a quarter he dropped. The crate has markings that suggest it was from an Arctic expedition back in 1834. He decides to call Professor Stanley (Fritz Weaver) so he can maybe have a look at it and figure out what the deal is with it.

Professor Stanley comes to the college and, with the help of the janitor, takes it into one of the labs so they can have a look at what's inside. Whatever it is grabs the janitor, drags him inside the crate, and eats him. Needless to say, Professor Stanley is a little upset, so he goes running outside and bumps into a student, who notices that the professor is covered in blood and babbling like a tongueless lunatic. When he goes back to the lab with the professor, the crate is missing.

A quick search reveals that the crate is back under the stairs, and the student starts to get a little nervous, possibly assuming that Professor Stanley offed the janitor himself. But when he goes inside the enclosure under the stairs, a huge claw comes out, followed by a large mouth with a bunch of needle-like teeth, and eats him.

By this point, Professor Stanley is a little upset, so he calls his friend and chess partner, Henry (Hal Holbrook), who is attending a party with his obnoxious and drunk wife, Wilma (Adrienne Barbeau). Glad for a chance to get away, he meets Professor Stanley back at his house and gets the whole story. Needless to say, he is dubious.

However, as a good friend, he has to see. He gives Professor Stanley a drink with a sleeping pill in it and, when he is asleep, sneaks out to check on this crate. What he finds is pretty much what his friend described: blood everywhere and the crate under the stairs.

He cleans up the mess and then, in a flash of creativity, calls his wife, telling her she needs to come down and talk to a student that Professor Stanley got pregnant and is hiding under the stairs. Wilma, who loves gossip and is absolutely horrible, agrees to come down.

When she gets there, Henry convinces her to go in the space where the crate is, and then starts pushing her against the crate, hoping the monster will get her.

Yer purty!
It does. But now, Henry has to figure out what to do with the crate...

They're Creeping Up On You

Remember the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with all the bugs? It's like that, but with a cranky old guy (which is more Crystal Skull than Temple of Doom).

An elderly Troll doll!
That pretty much covers the whole story, really, aside from a subplot about a guy who killed himself because this guy took over his company. Really. That's it. Move along.

Epilogue

The next day, the garbage men come and take away the trash, including the comic book from the opening. One of the trash men (Marty Schiff) looks through the comic with the other (Tom Savini). Both joke about the different stuff you could order from comics, including a voodoo doll, the order form for which is missing.

Meanwhile, Billy's parents are downstairs, having breakfast, and waiting for Billy to come down. His dad complains about his sore neck, and then starts having spasms. Upstairs, Billy jabs another needle into his new voodoo doll...

Derek liked this flick, although some of the acting was WAY over the top. However, he realizes that it's a comic book-type movie, so you're gonna get that. He also thinks Stephen King should never act again. (Why bother when he has hit perfection already?)

Larry also likes it, although he feels it doesn't hold up well. After all, it came out in 1982. Still, there are some good scares, and he thinks Fluffy--the monster from "The Crate"--is just the coolest critter out there. He may very well be right.

So get out your comic books and listen to this week's episode!