August 30, 2017

Sharknado 5

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Here it finally is! After what seems like months, Derek, Jake and Larry all managed to meet at the same time so they could sit down and watch the most anticipated movie of the year (for people who enjoy cheesy seafood-based weather movies)!

This week, the guys sat down to watch Sharknado 5: Global Swarming! In what two-thirds of the group consider a step back in the right direction after the kind of lackluster Sharknado 4, our heroes Fin (Ian Ziering), April (Tara Reid), and the returning Nova (Cassandra Scerbo) are out to rescue Fin and April's youngest son, Gil (Billy Barratt), from the clutches of a deadly sharknado.

Destroying beautiful architecture, eating people, and now kidnapping?
Let's be honest; these sharks are dicks.
While visiting England to consult with a British scientist (Clay Aiken) about equipment designed to protect citizens from the dangers of sharknados, Fin receives a call for help from Nova, who is in a cavern under Stonehenge, searching for an artifact that was created by what turns out to be ancient sharknado-worshippers. Fin, never one to turn down a chance to do something that is dangerous and helps move the plot along, rushes to give assistance, and the two of them make their way through a shark-themed, Indiana Jones-style room to retrieve the artifact, only to be chased by a rolling shark head made of gold.

Returning to London, Fin and Nova rejoin April and Gil, just in time to meet up with the prime minister (Chris Kattan), who takes them to the scientist, Llewelyn.

Yes...They are both in this movie.
Llewelyn takes them through the collection of protective equipment he has developed, and even straps a new helmet (with, of course, a shark fin on top of it), which will give him protection in even the worst of storms, up to and including a sharknado, conveniently.

And it is convenient, because almost immediately, a sharknado forms in London! (Apparently, they can do that now, and don't need to start over an ocean, where, you know, sharks live.) And it sucks up little Gil, helmet and all!

Fin, April, Nova and Gil even commandeer a double-decker bus to be able to keep up with it, and Nova, who isn't really paying much attention to driving, hits Poison's Bret Michaels. This scene is too awesome to describe, so here's a video clip of the whole sequence. (Apologies for the quality.)


As sharks continue to fall around the city, eating people, the group continues to work their way toward Buckingham Palace. Fin and April leave Gil with Nova so they can more effectively puch sharks and whatnot. Unfortunately, as good as Nova is at blowing up sharks, she is equally not good at babysitting, and she allows the sharknado to suck up Gil. Fortunately, his helmet will protect him.

Meanwhile, Fin finds himself on the back of a shark, which flies through a window at the palace and swallows the crown. Taking control of the situation, Fin manages to steer the shark down some stair, mostly by punching it a lot, until is slides up to a door, which opens to reveal the Queen (Charro). Did we mention this is all just the pre-credit sequence?

You like that, don't you, bitch?! Take it all!
Having now established the hell out of the plot, Fin and April set off to rescue young Gil by bungie-jumping into the sharknado, hoping they can grab him and pull him out. Unfortunately, while they may be pretty strong at the actual shark fighting, their planning sucks on toast, and a shark bites through their bungie cords, causing them (as well as Nova) to be sucked into the sharknado, as well. This is how they discover that the sharknados act as portals that can transport them to anywhere in the world. In this particular case, it drops them on a snow-covered mountain in Switzerland.

The sharknado hits a ski equipment store, which gives Fin an idea; he tells April (who, as you will recall from the last movie, had her body replaced with a robotic one by her father, Gary Busey, and she can now fly) to use a ski as a propellor and create a vortex of her own to cause the sharknado to dissipate. This leads to the greatest moment of non-emotive yelling ever to be captured onscreen.

April, overcome by the raw power she creates from spinning around in circles, starts screaming, and it sounds almost exactly like this (but with less emotional attachment): "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...", but it lasts for roughly two whole minutes and is the most glorious thinig ever seen. It is so captivating that it is hard to remember details about what comes next, until they get sucked into another sharknado and land in Italy.

Once there, they are greeted by Downtown Julie Brown, who takes them to the Vatican to meet the Pope...who is played...by Fabio.

Yes, that Fabio. (As if there are dozens of other Fabios wandering around, all shirtless, with birds crashing into their heads, too.)

After a brief meeting, Pope Fabio gives Fin a new toy to play with. And it is almost...almost...as awesome as April's bland, disinterested screaming.

Hi. I'm Fin Shepard for the Jesus Chainsaw 3000!
A quick trip--via sharknado, natch--to Australia brings the group in contract with Nova's sharknado-fighting "sisterhood", and Dr. Olivia Newton-John, which is fortunate, because the most recent trip destroyed April's robot body, tearing it in half.

While April is being rebuilt and upgraded, Fin discovers that his cousin is part of Nova's group, and decides to abort the idea of saving his young son, who is trapped inside a teleporting sharknado, in favor of trying to rescue his adult cousin, who is on a boat somewhere, preparing to dump some toxic goo into the water in the hopes it will kill all the sharks. Perhaps Fin hit his head somewhere in the last sharknado, causing his reasoning and logic to be skewed. Or maybe he's just an asshole who cares more about his cousin than his own child. It's pretty vague.

Fortunately, the decision is taken from him when the ship sinks, spilling the toxic goo, and creating a giant, glowing murderball of sharks that heads for the coast, where it eats Margaret Cho and her husband.

Fin, Nova and April, fresh from the lab with a newer, sluttier, non-flying body, hitch a ride with another sharknado, which takes them to Japan, where the glowing murderball of sharks had formed into the shape of one giant shark, causing a passerby to refer to it as "Sharkzilla".

A perfect opportunity to create a Kaiju April...ignored.
As the murderball runs rampant through Tokyo, Nova is killed, giving her the opportunity for a Shatner-esque death scene, which she milks like a cow, revealing to Fin that she artifact (remember that?) is designed to create and control sharknados. Oh, and she's pretty sure Gil  (remember hm?) is now dead.

Fin uses the artifact to create a sharknado that takes him and April to Egypt, where they find a secret room inside the Sphinx that houses a mechanism that controls the sharknados! Can they turn it off and save the world? Or will it all go banana-shaped and destroy everything? Or will there be some sort of X-Men-style death scene that ties into a weird-ass Mad Max/Back to the Future hybrid? Tune in to find out!

Larry enjoyed the movie, although he was disappointed in the lack of creative kills by sharks. He feels it was a nice return to form after a pretty lackluster fourth chapter, although he wants more gory death from sharks! Can you blame him?

Jake was disappointed in this film like it was a his stepchild whose only talent is running into a wall with a bucket on its head. He also disagrees with Larry that this is an improvement over the last chapter. Also, Charro?!

Derek sides with Larry on this one, although he argues that the creative kills have to be limited because this isn't a tornado filled with machete-wielding hockey mask wearers. Their bag of tricks is pretty much limited to biting things. But it is all made up for by April's dull, detached scream.

So fire up that chainsaw, keep watching the skies, and listen to this week's episode!