Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Once again, it's time to cull the vast landscape that is Twitter for all of ten to fifteen minutes (budgeting issues...you know how it is) for a bunch of tweets that will, hopefully, give you all a giggle like they did me.

Before that, however, I just wanted to tell you all I hope you had a fantastic Halloween that was filled with candy, either earned by you going from door-to-door and demanding strangers give it up because you were wearing a disguise of some sort, or by just stealing your kids' candy. Whichever works, I guess.

Dramatic re-enactment of my own Halloween experience.

Halloween is the start of the holiday season. Oh, sure, some would say it's Thanksgiving, but those people are idiots. If it were Thanksgiving, why would the Christmas decorations be out in stores already? Heck, some places had them out in late September. And, as usual, all the businesses are starting to hype their "Black Friday" sales already.

(Black Friday, by the way, is becoming more and more of a misnomer each year, as stores open earlier and earlier to make sure they can suck in the consumer dollars with ridiculous "deals" that only require the customer to get in line even earlier to make sure they'll get their precious little rug munchers this year's latest trendy Cabbage Patch Transforming Jedi Dream House. As of today, I know of at least two stores that will be opening for their Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving Day at 6:00 PM. Th' hell?)

Some of us, however, will be avoiding that stuff like the plague. Unfortunately, due to my line of employment, I will be in the thick of it, so stay tuned for shaky cell phone video of people beating each other up over a toy their children will have broken and forgotten within a week of receiving it for Christmas!

But enough of that. Let's get on with the funny! In no particular order...

My neighborhood is so hipster that I have started to hate myself. I now listen to music so obscure I've probably never heard of it.

— Anna May (@AnnaMayComedy) October 25, 2014

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I'm going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

— summerofbenny (@summerofbenny) September 8, 2012

Someone's going to pay for this! pic.twitter.com/j1c7sAtqe1

— Rasta Pasta (@RastaHipsta) October 27, 2014

*baby is born* Dammit, nurse! This one's ugly too! -What's happening doctor? I don't know. *loads baby into catapult*

— Touchwood Tinder (@Chumpstring) October 22, 2014

you cant have a french fry bigger than a potato but the only limit to a tater tot is your bravery and imagination

— POST INTERNET BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) October 28, 2014

I'll say this, though: The same number of sexy 19-year old women find me HOT today as did when I was in college! ... And it still hurts.

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 28, 2014

Me: Who's a good boy? Dog: I thought we settled this.

— Fun-Size Meh (@TheAlexNevil) October 26, 2014

Michael Cera stands defenseless as one of those inflatable dancing tube men just beats the absolute shit out of him

— Man Cannon (@pregnant_cat) September 11, 2014

My O-Face looks like the people from The Ring after they answered the phone...

— Cheshire (@BrownBoxers) October 17, 2014

King Shit of Fuck Mountain *sounds* impressive, but you're really just a figurehead & hold no discretionary executive power.

— Abby Paranormal (@MrsTomServo) October 28, 2014

And there you have it! Now get out there and face the week! And to help it along, enjoy this little Halloween clip from Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy at RiffTrax.com!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco