Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey there, gang! I hope all of you are recovering nicely from your post-Christmas celebrating. Myself, I had a wonderful time down at my brother's for Christmas, where I was given numerous groovy presents meant to encourage my geek-tastic lifestyle, including numerous Star Wars-related items. I also now have a PEZ dispenser collection, despite doing nothing at all to cause that to happen. Collecting should always be this easy!

If I had one regret, it would be that Larry, Jake and I didn't get our commentary for It's A Wonderful Life finished. However, to give you an idea of where it was going, I am happy to share one of our jokes with you:

We're all about keeping it classy!

Anyway, what I did manage to do this week is scour my Twitter feed to bring you another batch of funny from the great folks there. So what do you say we get this party started?

In no particular order...

Rain Man (1988): A talking dingo convinces a leprechaun to break dance for charity. (1988 was the year I went off my anti-psychotic meds.)

— Gladstone (@WGladstone) December 21, 2014

Day 4 in the South. Please send pics of salad.

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 22, 2014

As a Canadian I'd like to apologize for trying to pass off little slices of ham as some kind of bacon.

— Shaver (@Shaver282) March 28, 2014

Will Smith's kids are what happens if Mad-Libs become self-aware

— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) November 19, 2014

*chewing noisily* HEY WHY DO THEY MAKE BACON PACKAGES RESEALABLE?

— Ñøï® (@Go2Slp) December 18, 2014

"Wow, this must be so embarrassing for you," I say to the woman that walks in on me stealing toilet paper from the Target bathroom.

— M. Uh (@emmatheist) December 24, 2014

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it's cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that's how it works. Meh.

— DaBear (@astutenewf) December 19, 2014

Darth Vader's full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

— Ollie (@ojedge) July 30, 2014

My 8 year old found my bottle of jager in the freezer and took a sip. Now she's calling me a bitch for not arm-wrestling her.

— The Thrill (@thrill713) May 19, 2013

Truth or dare? -Truth. Ok, go. -I get sexually aroused by ALF. Okaaaay... -Your turn. Truth or dare? Um...dare. -Put on this ALF costume.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 5, 2014

And there you have it! Now a little housecleaning...

This week's Here Be Spoilers will be released a day late because, as usual, my schedule sucks. Also, I figured it would be nice to post it on New Years Day.

That about covers it. So have a great week, will ya? And to help kick start it, here's Barenaked Ladies singing a song about a stalker-ish fan sending postcards with monkeys all over them.

 

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

The Star Wars Holiday Special

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As the guys officially bring #HolidayMobiepalooza to a close, what better way to do so than to watch one of the greatest made-for-TV movies ever?

That's right; they watched The Star Wars Holiday Special!

It's the story of how George Lucas decided he needed another way to drill his epic space opera into your brain and let it eat away enough of your sensibilities to allow for the prequel trilogy that would come some twenty-one years later. However, even he admits that he went too far, stating that, if he could track down every copy of this turd burger, he would. And then he would destroy them.

Why would the creator of one of the most beloved movies trilogies ever say something like that? Probably because of this:

"I'm made of 90% post-consumer plastics and burnt doll hair!"

Or maybe this:

"I am so loaded up on cocaine right now..."

Nah...More than likely, it's because of this:

"I stand over you at night and watch you sleep!"

The horror...The horror...

But whatever the reason, the guys wanted to watch it and talk about it. Derek is so upset about the stormtroopers that he creates an entirely new segment called Nerd Rage! Jake is horrified by Itchy's disturbing, masturbatory fantasy featuring Diahann Carroll wearing a mophead made of rags. Larry...Well, Larry pretty much blocked out as much as he could, but was left crying in the fetal position on the floor.

An accurate representation of Larry's emotional state after watching this movie.

There's also one last round of Walken in a Winter Wonderland, discussion about Clint Eastwood's new film, and a bunch of ranting about Sony pulling The Interview. (UPDATE: Sony has decided to do a limited release on Christmas Day.)

So tune in now! And, for everyone at Here Be Spoilers, have the Boba Fett-iest Christmas of all!

"DO IT! DO IT NOW!"

Happy Holidays, you guys!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, gang!

It was yet another hilarious week on the Twitter machine, and I really had a hard time picking just ten to put on the list. There were literally dozens that made me snort, and a lot of them were from the more well-known Tweeters. So, I decided to pick a bunch that hadn't received enough of the love that, in my opinion, they seriously deserved.

So, without even the tiniest bit of ado, and in no particular order, here's this week's pile o' tweets!

"Bingo!" I exclaim loudly. I wink at the old woman across from me. Her dentures fall out when she tries to lick her lips seductively.

— Burt Slorp (@Burtslorp) December 15, 2014

This is the most terrifying shopping trip ever. pic.twitter.com/WacxFzYNyc

— Phil Plait (@BadAstronomer) December 15, 2014

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea" UNCLE JERRY HES ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW. ITS A WEIRD SITUATION BUT HE'S FAMILY.

— hashtaglol (@ilikeyouguys) December 3, 2014

you can delete me from facebook, unfollow me on twitter and delete my number - but you can never unlick my butthole.

— p.law (@PatrickMichel) October 11, 2014

Women's fragrances; rose, spring, lavender… Men's fragrances; ICE FIST, FEAR, ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, SCORCHED BEEF, SHARKNADO, DEATH

— uncut daddy™ (@QU0RN_D0G) December 16, 2014

Least Popular Holiday Toys: Lego Gitmo Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Rabbis Drug Mule Barbie Piece of paper with "toy" written on it

— Tony (@Tmoney68) December 13, 2014

Someone hilarious better be getting into the 2016 race. Herman Cain ended his candidacy quoting a Pokemon song. That's the bar.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) December 16, 2014

Someone called me repressed tonight and I was so dang cheesed off that I almost spit skim milk all over my copy of Beige Slacks magazine.

— Thomas (@TBH42) December 18, 2014

pic.twitter.com/xcFfoYkrBc

— IN KAP WE TRUST (@AlexandriaSweet) December 18, 2014

That gas station sushi I had for lunch is either going to kickstart my hidden mutant abilities or make me shit myself.

— Godless Goomba (@ObscureGent) December 20, 2014

And there you have it! Not a bad week at all, if I do say so myself.

Before I give you this week's "Let's Get This Week Started" video clip, I wanted to do a bit of housecleaning, if that's okay with you.

First, I have to apologize and let everyone who had been waiting for it know that the Here Be Spoilers gang will not be able to post our commentary of It's a Wonderful Life. I take all the blame on this one. My work schedule is, quite frankly, making it hard to do any writing, let alone giving me enough time to write jokes for a two-hour movie (even with help from Jake and Larry). I guess we'll just have to keep plugging away and maybe have it ready for next year. Again, my apologies to you, and to Larry and Jake, because I know they really wanted to do this.

And lastly, I hope each and every one of you have the best Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Whatever with your friends and family. Seriously. Have a blast. And don't forget to snag the final episode of our #HolidayMoviepalooza series, Here Be Spoilers: The Star Wars Holiday Special when I post it on Christmas Eve! Wait for Santa by laughing till egg nog shoots out your nose!

Anyway, have an awesome week. Let's kick it off with not a comedy clip, but instead, one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, performed by The Monkees! It's called Riu Chiu. Enjoy!

Happy holidays and All the best!
Derek and Bosco

Trapped In Paradise

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It's that time again! But this time, Derek's stupid work schedule kind of put the screws to the other guys. So he decided to call in a stand-in crew: Tonya Mehler volunteered to step up, as did the first ever Ugly Couchcast guest, Brooke Cooper! And they all chose to sit down and watch the Nicholas Cage, Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz holiday vehicle, Trapped In Paradise...And, boy howdy, did they regret it...

"Trapped"? Yes. "Paradise"? Not so much.

In an attempt to show off his comedy chops (this was pre-Ghostrider, mind you), Nic Cage is Bill, the most responsible of three completely and utterly irresponsible criminal brothers. His brothers, Dave (Jon Lovitz) and Alvin (Dana Carvey, sounding like a mildly mentally-disabled Marlon Brando), are released early from jail due to overcrowding, and they immediately convince Bill that he's wanted for robbery and that they should go to Paradise, Pennsylvania to hide out...And rob a bank while they're there. That's right; Dave and Alvin are the smart ones.

"You're kidding me, right?"

Needless to say, everything goes wrong for them, and they end up running up against the people of the small town, almost all of whom treat them with a disturbing amount of kindness, with the exception of Sarah, who happens to be the daughter of a guy Dave and Alvin knew in prison.

"Aren't you the guy who is afraid of bees and punches women in the vajay-jay?"

"Yeah, that's me!"

Derek is angry about the pacing of the movie. Really angry. Like, punch-a-hole-in-a-wall angry. It moves soooooo slooooooowly...This fourteen-and-a-half hour movie could have been cut down to a three-minute SNL sketch.

Tonya was also bothered by the pacing, although not as much as Derek, because she managed to sneak a small nap in without missing literally anything, so she doesn't feel it was a complete loss. Also, she's concerned about Dana Carvey's choice of the voice he used. Seriously, it's like Marlon Brando doing an impression of Popeye.

"I'm gonna make him an offer that I yam what I yam..."

Cooper is deeply concerned that, despite having just watched the movie, she can remember almost nothing at all about it. The assumption is that her brain, in an attempt to save her, started destroying any and all mental images related to the film, replacing them with pictures of cats wearing funny hats.

There's also some movie news, a serious discussion about whether or not turning The Hobbit into three movies was a wise choice, and another thrilling edition of Walken in a Winter Wonderland!

So hurry up and download this episode! And get ready for next week's #HolidayMoviepalooza finale (sorta...We'll explain that in a second): The Star Wars Holiday Special!

*****

Yes, next week technically means the end of our #HolidayMoviepalooza series. (Not including our commentary of It's a Wonderful Life.) We will, however, be doing Elves after Christmas, because Jake really wanted to see it. And, after having the plot laid out for them, so did Derek and Larry. So that will be the last Christmas movie we'll be watching until next year.

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hiya, folks! It's been another hilarious week over on the Twitter machine, and, as always, I have spent tens of minutes going through all the great tweets I've seen in the last week in order to bring you, faithful reader, a big pile of some of the funniest ones.

Before I get started with the funny, though, I wanted to let you all know that, due to scheduling issues on my end of things, I wasn't able to record the podcast for Elves with Jake and Larry this weekend. However, I still want to do that show with them, so, if we stick with the #HolidayMoviepalooza list, I think we'll maybe have to do that one after Christmas to catch up, if that's cool with them.

At any rate, that covers the housekeeping for the week, so let's get making with the funny, shall we?

In no particular order...

You know how you put your playlist on shuffle but the same songs keep coming up. I do the same thing except with poor life decisions.

— Jay (@theshamingofjay) December 8, 2014

I once tried on an Under Armour® polo shirt and a Bluetooth earpiece sprouted on me and now I can't stop calling people chief.

— The Cat Whisperer (@man_spach) October 14, 2014

The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

— The Alicianater (@leechee420) September 27, 2014

If you rely only on spellcheck to point out mistakes in your marketing campaigns, you're gonna have a bad time. pic.twitter.com/UbD68zLJ8F

— Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) December 9, 2014

I'd like to applaud Lindsay Lohan's twin from "The Parent Trap" for staying out of the tabloids all these years.

— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) December 9, 2014

My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.

— Random Manik (@RandomManik) August 21, 2014

Warning don't stick ur nipples over the jets of the hot tub. pic.twitter.com/rPvaB81oFT

— J O N O (@JONOCOYOTE) September 21, 2014

Catholic school has a "Headmistress" and puts girls in skirts & knee-high socks. Catholic Church is opposed to porn. I'm calling bullshit.

— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) December 9, 2014

Let's take a second to talk about which animal would've been a tampon on The Flinstones.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) December 12, 2014

Remember how the floor was lava? Lol, we were so young 4600 million years ago.

— Tate (@darkmatter_wimp) December 12, 2014

And there you have it! I hope you all have a fantastic week! And to kick it off, have a look at yet another funny clip from one of my personal favorite podcasts, Wits This one features Charlie Brown (host John Moe) and his little sister Lucy (actress Ione Skye) helping Linus (comedian Patton Oswalt) quit his blanket cold turkey!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Black Christmas (1974)

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Nothing, and we mean nothing, says Christmas like watching the beginning of Margot Kidder's descent into alcoholism and insanity while a middle-aged chubby woman aggressively brushes her teeth and "professional virgins" get suffocated with plastic bags.

That's why, for this week's installment of #HolidayMoviepalooza, Derek, Jake and Larry watched 1974's Black Christmas. Not only does it have all of that, but it also features David Bowman from 2001: A Space Odyssey beating up a piano, Olivia Hussey being hot, and John Saxon being a cop!

Shown: John Saxon not being a cop in Black Christmas.

Surprisingly, despite having all of that, as well as being directed by Bob Clarke (the same guy who directed Porky's and the beloved classic A Christmas Story), very little happens in this movie. And when anything does, it happens in the most uninteresting way possible. Why, you ask? Well, you'll have to listen to hear the guys' theories about that...

Derek is very upset by the hats this film expects the viewers to accept. Chamber pots, a weird mushroom-looking thing, a dog food dish...All of these are placed on people's heads without any explanation, and we are expected to just deal with it!

Nothing as dignified as these appeared in the film.

Jake is angered by the lengthy shots of 70's-style home furnishings and the supposed piano master that plays like his fingers are broken and he hasn't bothered to, you know, learn to play or anything.

And the only horror Larry experienced was in realizing that he had chosen this movie for the guys to watch. There was a brief moment of terror when the Mrs. Garrett lady looked like she was going to get naked, but it didn't happen, so everybody made it through. (Though they were all saddened that Olivia Hussey didn't get nekkid.)

"I think I'll go put on more clothes..."

There's also a bunch of movie news in The Lobby, as well as a few new flicks Coming Soon. And make sure to hear the newest edition of Walken in a Winter Wonderland! Listen now! Before Olivia puts on a parka or something!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It was another fun week over on Twitter! Loads of funny, lots of jackassery, and mountains of mirth. And I, your humble curator, have managed to snag a few for your perusal. Oh, sure, there may be funnier ones, but you'll have to find those yourself, because these guys made me laugh out loud when I read them. And they do it regularly. They're like freakin' ninjas!

Anyway, here's another wonderful pile of silliness to cram into your eyeballs. And, as I really don't have anything important to add--other than to mention that in this week's episode of Here Be Spoilers, we tackle 1974's Black Christmas--I'm thinking we should just jump right in!

So, in no particular order...

Ever sat so long on the toilet that your feet get all tingly and they've fallen asleep and you've drawn dicks all over them?

— Terry F (@daemonic3) October 24, 2013

#TruthfulTuesday:I was like, six when I first saw Lethal Weapon, so every time I hear Jingle Bell Rock, I associate it with dead hookers. :(

— Dave (@VodkaShorebird) December 2, 2014

Welcome to America where the Earth is 6,000 years old and we buy car insurance from cartoon characters. Here's your bible and some Cheetos.

— James (@JaySaysStuff) December 4, 2014

Just saw that Cosby's current standup tour name is "Far From Finished," which now seems more like a threat.

— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) December 4, 2014

Best Nativity scene yet: pic.twitter.com/lrSlMAvdVv

— chickulture (@chickulture) December 2, 2014

Last night's dream: Christopher Walken came to my house dressed as Santa Claus. We ate some donut holes and he left. Great dream, really.

— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) December 5, 2014

"If you ever have questions about sex, I'm here" Got it Mom "Any at all" Ok "Oral, vaginal…" Mom- "Anal, fisting, choking-" MOM- "Rusty trom

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 5, 2014

Just going to start answering people by letting gravy fall out of my mouth.

— Angie Davis (@Adar79Angie) December 4, 2014

What are you naming your daughter? "Turpentine." You can't name her that! That's a stripper name!

— Ray (Sir E) (@SirEviscerate) December 6, 2014

Looking at you, Jesus. pic.twitter.com/yDubAPu8Zw

— Jingle Yael (@elle91) November 30, 2014

And there you have it! Good stuff, yes?

So, with that bit of business over, let me direct you to this hilarious little clip that Larry hipped me to, so you can start off your work week with a laugh: The Walken Dead...

All the best!
Derek and Bosco

A Christmas Story 2 - The #HolidayMoviepalooza Edition

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It's time for #HolidayMoviepalooza! Jake was out of town, so Derek and Larry invited Tonya Mehler to join them in "breaking the seal", as it were, on an entire month of holiday-themed movies!

The first movie on the gang's list is A Christmas Story 2, the sequel to the classic 1983 film that starred Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon and Darren MacGaven, was written by Jean Sheppard, and was directed by Bob Clark.

Dignity was not a high priority here.

The sequel doesn't have any of that.

What it does have, though, is Daniel Stern as the Old Man, Stacey Travis as Mrs. Parker, and...er...well, not much else. Like the original, this movie was primarily based on Sheppard's In God We Trust...All Other Pay Cash, a collection of semi-fictional short stories about his life. (Derek highly recommends this and any other Sheppard books that are out there!)

This time, Ralphie Parker is aiming higher than a paltry Red Ryder B.B. Gun.  He wants a car. And the popular girl. And, we don't know...maybe a better dye job?

Tonya is practically speechless over what happens to the mannequin. Larry is shocked by the unspeakable things Schwartz does to the pneumatic tube system at Higbee's, and Derek is deeply upset by what the Old Man does while ice fishing.

"Hey, Ralph...Your dad it totally pounding that ice hole!"

So join the gang and listen to them pick apart the movie, discuss new trailers and upcoming releases, and take part in their very first Walken in a Winter Wonderland competition! It's fun! So you don't have to!