Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Holy crap-on-a-stick! What a week, right? Let's recap really quick, if that's okay. If not, feel free to skip ahead to the actual tweets themselves, but know that Bosco is silently judging you.

First and foremost, the Supreme Court heard a case involving a few different states (including my own home state of Michigan), concerning same-sex marriage. And, in a 5-4 decision, they decided that banning people who love each other and just happen to be the same gender from getting married is unconstitutional, thereby allowing all fifty states to begin issuing marriage licenses for gay couples immediately. Naturally, the people who claim to be in favor of "traditional" (aka "one man and one woman"--ignoring the part about how the woman is required by the Bible to be a virgin; and if she isn't, she is supposed to be executed) completely lost their shit, and in one case, a minister threatened to set himself on fire if it was allowed. (He later claimed that he didn't mean he was actually set himself on fire...More of a symbolic sorta thing.) That seems a bit extreme to me, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Artist's rendering of Justice Scalia registering his vote on the matter.

At any rate, to all of our LGBT friends out there, congratulations. Go get married or something. And enjoy yourself!

In other news, there has been a lot of pressure to retire the Confederate flag because of, you know, the whole slavery connotation. The push began in South Carolina, after a mouth-breathing, racist, white trash hillbilly took it upon himself to murder nine innocent people at a church down there in an act of flat out domestic terrorism. I'm not going to put the guy's name in here, because fuck that asshole. But when he was arrested, he admitted that the whole thing was concocted to start a "race war", and photos surfaced of him waving a Confederate flag, as well as burning a U.S. flag.

These events opened up a new dialogue about the purpose of the Confederate flag, which was originally used as a battle flag during the Civil War. Of course, a lot of folks in the South are insisting that there is no reason to take down the flag because "RACISM? What the heck are you talkin' 'bout? It don't got nothin' to do with racism! It's 'bout heritage! And the Civil War wasn't about slavery! It was 'bout states' rights!" This, of course, ignores the fact that among those "rights" they were fighting for included the right to own human beings as property simply because they are brown. When this is mentioned, most of the flag defenders cover their ears and yell "LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and then shoot stop signs with their shotguns. (I'm guessing about that last thing. But I bet I'm not too far from wrong.)

The flag apologists took a pretty serious hit when the governor of South Carolina and even Mitt fucking Romney came forward and said, "Yeah, maybe take it down." Sick of waiting for government red tape, activist Bree Newsome climbed the flagpole at the state capitol and took it down herself Saturday. Good for her!

The most awesome finish to a Capture The Flag game EVAH!

Anyway, the Twittersphere still managed to make with the funny among all the awesome activism and celebration, and I've managed to grab a few of their tweets to share with you. As always, if you dig them, follow these funny folks! They're great!

And now, in no particular order...

Wife: "Why didn't you clean the house?" "I..uhh..." "And why are you crying?" "I...uhh..." "You watched Armageddon again, didn't you."

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) June 22, 2015

The worst dressed Hardy Boy has to be Ed.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) June 22, 2015

I once ran into Kid Rock at an Applebee's and 3 days later my cousin had my baby on the hood of a Dodge Ram.

— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) July 25, 2014

a pet dog is just the ticket if you're longing to make soulful eye contact while you sit on the crapper

— India Løvenskiold (@AnemoneOh) June 24, 2015

I was just reminded that Bruce Willis recorded an album and that it featured a top five single. We have a lot to answer for as a culture.

— John Scalzi (@scalzi) June 26, 2015

Who wore it better? pic.twitter.com/5ktICgeVJa

— jamie (@gnuman1979) June 27, 2015

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 20, 2015

If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten; Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.

— Colo Chive Runner (@ColoChiver) June 23, 2015

My top 3 favorite revolutions would have to be the Russian, the French, and the Dance Dance. But obviously not in that order.

— Mantej Singh Rajpal (@mantej) August 8, 2014

listen global warming is a scam *penguin fixes his fake mustache* ocean levels are rising bc of dumb whales ever heard of water displacement

— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) June 27, 2015

And there you have it! Here's to another hopefully awesome week! And to get you moving in the right direction, here's a classic Barenaked Ladies video that will really make you think: "Be My Yoko Ono"...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Alien From L.A.

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And now it's time for another thrilling episode of Here Be Spoilers!

In this week's episode, the guys sat down to watch the classic Kathy Ireland vehicle, Alien From L.A., which inspired one of the funniest Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes ever. (Seriously...we highly recommend checking it out.)

Alien From L.A. is the story of a mousy, nerdy Valley Girl named Wanda Saknussemm. She is a dull, uninteresting teenage girl who is afraid of everything, and can't even keep her boyfriend, Robbie, who may or may not actually be Johnny from the Cobra Kai, happy.

NNNNERRRRRRRRRRRD!

Wanda is stuck in a dead-end life, hanging around on the beach with her friend Stacy, and whining about how unfair it is that absolutely nobody loves her, including her father. Aside from Stacy, Wanda's only perceived real friend is the other waitress from the restaurant she works at, who may or may not be Geena Davis in her role from Beetlejuice.

Finally, some sex appeal!

After receiving a letter from a mysterious source in South Africa that tells her that her father has disappeared, Wanda faces her fears and hops on a plane to go and find him.

Within minutes of arriving, she finds a portal in a closet (no, really) that takes her to...the center(?) of the Earth (maybe), where she meets Gus, a miner who takes her to the mysterious lost city of Atlantis, which appears to be populated by Australians for some reason. Gus gets her some clothes so she fits in, and they head out in search of her dad.

"Like, jihad...and stuff!"

Along the way, they meet a wacky (you're welcome, Jake) cast of nutballs who look like the result of a first-year cosmetology school for the blind experiment, including (possibly) a female version of Johnny Winter, a crackhead version of Lisa Bonet, and a Joe Pesci/Divine test tube baby.

Everything I wanted to know about dating, I learned from Bill Cosby.

Will Wanda find her dad? Why does Robbie end up dating Helen Slater's character from The Legend of Billy Jean? What the hell is up with Wanda's voice? All of these questions will be answered, but not in any satisfying way that will make you hate this movie any less.

Derek is annoyed by the ongoing trend of taking a stunningly hot girl and slapping a pair of glasses on her to indicate that she is now a hideous troll without any chance of finding a place for herself in human society.

Jake is dumbfounded by the casual way in which it is explained that the people of Atlantis came to be there in a spaceship (from outer space!), and then is never mentioned again, as well as numerous other plot points that could have been expanded on, but never were.

Larry is deeply upset by the Pesci/Divine hybrid's eyelashes, as well as the various costuming choices of the various denizens of Atlantis. It's like Duran Duran's video director got knee-walking drunk and started playing with a Fashion Plates set.

Wardrobe by Tomy and Jack Daniels!

So tune in and listen to the guys ramble in confusion about the alcoholic fever dream that is Alien From L.A.!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, this was not the best week ever in the real world. But we're not going to get into that. There are people more qualified than I am to discuss the whole thing, so I'm going to leave it up to them. Not surprisingly, while politicians went out of their way to avoid saying what needed to be said, a comedian made the best and most intelligent statement about the whole thing, and I highly recommend that you go listen to Jon Stewart's comments about it. And that's all I'm going to say.

Meanwhile, over on the Twitter machine, people were incredibly funny, and God bless 'em! And naturally, as this past weekend happened to contain Father's Day, there was an underlying theme to a lot of it.

"I'm disappointed."
"Hi, Disappointed! I'm Dad!"

However, I actively avoided grabbing any of those for this week's list because, let's face it; Dad jokes are awful. Sure, we laugh at them, but only because they are so painfully corny.

So, without further ado (or at least as little ado as possible), let's look at some non-Dad funny from the people who are way funnier than I am! In no particular order...

If you have an 80's movie on in the background you can just look over when the saxophone music plays because there will be tits.

— Chad Opitz (@chadopitz) June 14, 2015

do zombies poop, and does having poop filled pants slow them down?

— Cap'n G'nap (@capgnap) June 16, 2015

Pulled a 12 inch piece of string out of my dog's ass this morning. Worst. Magic. Trick. Ever.

— Tony (@Tmoney68) June 7, 2015

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

— Sam Delanche (@SamDelanche) May 29, 2015

As I'm one of Britain's leading ornithologists, here's a guide to some birds you might see in your garden this summer pic.twitter.com/SFQ5U0xRM7

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 8, 2015

Monkey: "We're not so different" Me: "Did that monkey just talk to me" Monkey: "Monkey noise" Me: "Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"

— Hooglese (@DillDoes) July 28, 2014

I hate when I get my man-boobs stuck in my accordion.

— AmishPornStar (@AmishPornStar1) June 14, 2015

John Elway looks like the type a' dude who stares too long at a 13 year old in a bikini

— Trillenium Falcon (@czechtwice) June 20, 2015

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

— Erica (@SCbchbum) March 21, 2015

Top 3 reasons monkeys might go extinct: 3) climate change 2) habitat loss 1) jumping on the bed

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 18, 2015

And there you have it! And now, let me once again push somebody else's podcast on you. This is one of my favorite episodes of Beyond Belief, from the fine folks over at The Thrilling Adventure Hour. It stars Paul F. Tompkins and Paget Brewster as Frank and Sadie Doyle, respectively. They are alcoholic socialites who also happen to be able to commune with spirits of the non-bottled kind, as well. Give it a listen. You'll thank me. It's all audio, but totally worth it.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Wes Craven's Shocker

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We have got to quit letting Jake pick movies...

This week, the guys take a look at a lost Wes Craven ""classic" starring a pre-X-Files Mitch Pileggi as Horace Pinker, a serial killer who also repairs televisions and knows some sort of weird voodoo. Kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really.

"I pray to the mighty god of Comcast!"

But when he murders most of the family of our "hero", Johnny, a possibly autistic or mentally-challenged football player with the emotional range of a piece of toast, with whom he has a mental connection, he is caught, tried, convicted, and executed. Mostly.

Before Pinker can be completely executed, however, he managed to possess a variety of people and use their bodies to try killing Johnny, but to no avail. Instead, he settles for killing all of Johnny's friends, because if nothing else, Pinker is adaptable. Also, as noted, the voodoo thing.

"I LIKE MITTENS!"

Many people are killed, Johnny chases Pinker through a variety of television shows, and Johnny's girlfriend uses Ghostbusters-level magic to fight the evil that is Assistant Director Skinner...Er, Pinker. All the while, Johnny maintains his mild disinterest in the things going on around him.

This is actually an animated .gif of Johnny's vast range of emotions.

Jake is bothered by the fact that, in this magic-based horror movie about a guy who can manipulate electricity(?), when Pinker switches bodies, he still manages to maintain the limp he got from being shot in the knee in his own body many years before. This should not be a thing.

Larry is continually disturbed by Johnny's apparent lack of...well, anything, really, concerning the deaths of his family and friends. Seriously, the guy is less emotive that a sea cucumber. (Johnny...Not Larry. Larry can emote like nobody's business.)

Derek just wants this whole movie to go right to hell, is all. He hated it. Every stupid frame. But he was really upset that, when Pinker possesses a little girl, Johnny doesn't beat her mercilessly, possibly in a scene similar to Jason beating the holographic campers in Jason X.

There's also fun stuff in The Lobby, Larry's List, One Thing, Hollywood Purgatory, and the return of the Game Show! So tune in, turn on, and listen to the guys talk about this movie, so you don't have to ever watch it. You're welcome.

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! It's time for some more awesome tweets from people who are way funnier than I am!

Oh, you thought you'd be able to get by without reading them, did you?

Oh...right...Move along.

Well, for the rest of you, let's have a look at 'em, shall we? And remember: If you dig these guys, you should probably go on over to Twitter and join so you can follow them and find even more funny!

In no particular order...

*slaves picking cotton and singing negro spirituals* *Iggy Azelia steps in and takes the lead*

— Crunchy PeanutBrutha (@Livsey1) June 7, 2015

Best Amazon review ever. pic.twitter.com/2mZZAHx2ZC

— Sam Kalidi (@samkalidi) June 9, 2015

1990: I made you this mix tape 2000: I made you this mix cd 2014: Here's a picture of my dick

— Bad Karma (@_Bad_Karma) May 9, 2014

Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out Me: Ok then [later that evening] Dentist: Well this is nice My tooth: I'm having a lovely time

— AnOnion (@onion_an) June 10, 2015

"Whoa whoa, what's the hurry dude? Can't you smell that a squirrel shit here back in '95?" - Dogs

— Juice (@Juicedballs) May 2, 2015

What's your favorite position during sex? Mine's Regional Account Manager.

— Heath (@Neauxpe) June 8, 2015

Playing monopoly, day 34: Joey got stabbed, all his money was put in a pile and burnt. Everyone's dancing around the fire. I miss my mum.

— JennyNotFromTheBlock (@jennickyb) June 4, 2015

On a dinner date, I just throw food on my shirt as soon as it's served to get it over with.

— SNACKIE ONASSIS (@typ0negative) June 13, 2015

My body: Okay, so here is the plan. We are gonna poop like five or six times today. Me: This is about the hot sauce, isn't it.

— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) June 13, 2015

Dr. Phil and Dr. Dre went to the same med school, I bet.

— revious (@revious) September 10, 2013

And there you have it! Now, before we go to the video, I just wanted to thank all of you who gave a listen to The Ugly Couchcast Community Players present The Franchise Wars last week. We had a blast doing it, and we hope you all enjoyed it. (And for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, go give it a look. It's fun!)

Anyway, have a great week. And to start it off right, as well as to celebrate the release of Jurassic World, here's the original Jurassic Park done in the style of an 8-bit video game, created by CineFix. Enjoy!

All the best,

Derek and Bosco

The Ugly Couchcast Community Theater presents The Franchise Wars

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On the last Here Be Spoilers episode, the guys discussed the classic Sylvester Stallone/Wesley Snipes epic, Demolition Man.

During the show, Derek brought up the scene where Huxley (Sandra Bullock) and Spartan (Stallone) are going to Taco Bell, and Huxley explains why. You remember this scene, right?

This started a whole discussion about what, exactly, the "franchise wars" were. Theories were tossed back and forth at an incredible rate. Possible scenarios were presented, and then discarded. Finally, a reasonable idea of what it entailed was agreed upon, and plans were made to come up with a way to present it.

Which brings us to today's very special episode.

You know you want to find out the significance of this...

This audio documentary was created by Derek Springer, Larry Sieczynski, Jake Streeter, Scott Eraas, and Kris Silva. All of them were really excited about it, and they hope you enjoy listening to it as much as they enjoyed making it.

So download this very special episode and give it a listen!

Also, if you could take a minute to let us know what you think down in the comment section, we at Ugly Couchcast Industries would all really appreciate it. Enjoy the show!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Holy monkey, what an awesome weekend it was. I can't say why, but you'll hopefully be finding out within the next few days. Trust me when I tell you that it's gonna be pretty darn entertaining. So stay tuned.

Anyway, it was also a hilarious week over there on Twitter, and they just keep getting funnier! So, as always, I implore you to find join us over there and, when you do, follow these people! Go ahead and do it now. I'll wait...

...

Okay. Done? Good. Let's go look at some funny, won't we?

A carpenter came to my home today and fixed my deck. By the rules of my home he is now new dad. He just tucked me into bed. I love new dad.

— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) May 31, 2015

Wonder who has that job. pic.twitter.com/62iLysYhlr

— jamie (@gnuman1979) June 2, 2015

Loafers are the clip on ties of the shoe world.

— C'est la vie (@Robert_Beau) June 5, 2015

Hired a tuba soloist to follow me around this buffet so every time I fart he gently sets his tuba down and proclaims "twas I who farted!"

— Jeff Nixon (@Jeff_G_Nixon) June 6, 2015

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could wind up marrying Sarah Jessica Parker.

— Michael Blackman (@ParaComedian09) June 5, 2015

As I lay down in my bed and look at the stars, I think to myself, "who took my ceiling?"

— Carl James Comedy (@CarlJamesComedy) September 24, 2013

Don't follow me on Tumblr unless you're ok with pictures of Superman and Batman doing a lot of shirtless hugging.

— Godless Goomba (@ObscureGent) June 5, 2015

Actually, down South it's Bed Bath and Over Yonder.

— Quack (@Quack_Daniel) May 21, 2015

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) June 6, 2015

Yet another impossible standard for women to live up to. pic.twitter.com/iaZ8KgVLsH

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 6, 2015

And there you have it! Now get out there and have yourself an awesome week, will ya? I don't want to have come over there. So, to get you started, let's us have a listen to one of the theme songs from one of my favorite podcasts at the moment.
 The Podcast is The Thrilling Adventure Hour. The theme song is for Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars! Sing along if you know the words!

Oh, and also, check out the podcast. It's written by Ben Acker and Ben Blacker, and it is brilliant!

Have a great week!
Derek and Bosco

Update: Stuff's Coming!

Hey, guys! I know there hasn't been much activity on here this week, and some of you might have missed us mentioning that there would be no show this week, so I thought I'd let you all know what's going on.

Last week, Jake went out of town, and we just couldn't find anyone to fill in for him, so we skipped doing a show this past weekend. However, I started working on a project that the three of us had been discussing, and I'm happy to announce that, very soon, we will be presenting the very first program featuring the very first Ugly Couchcast Civic Theater production!

I began writing a script Sunday, and then I contacted a few other friends for some input on Monday. Tuesday, I had a brainstorming session with Jake. I also gave Larry's brain a good shake, and some funny stuff fell out, so we added it in. I literally finished up the script minutes before I walked out the door Thursday to go to work. Finished copies have been sent out to almost everyone that needs one, and parts are being assigned so everyone can get their parts recorded. After that, I'll edit and add music, and, God willing, I should be able to post the finished product by the end of the week!

As for what the production actually is, I can't really say just yet. what it is because that would completely ruin the fun of it! But rest assured that it may very well give you a few laughs. And if that happens, then it will have all been worth it.

So stay tuned, fearless readers!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody! It was another awesome week of straight-up hilarious people over on the Twitter, and it started with Memorial Day, when everyone gets drunk, barbecues, and sits on their asses as a way to pay tribute to all the soldiers who died protecting our freedoms. I'm still not sure how doing all that stuff pays tribute, but I enjoy a good barbecue as much as the next guy, so who am I to judge?

Anyway, there was a bunch of funny, and I have, as usual, gathered just a small sampling of the ones I personally enjoyed. If you dig them, by all means, go join Twitter (if you haven't already) and follow them! And follow others! Heck, if you're feeling masochistic, maybe even follow me. I'm @TheRealDCF over there.

And this is my AVI. Drink it in...Oh, yeah...

Anyway, here's a bunch of funny from over there, where "normal" is what would be considered "weird" and "somewhat disturbing" anywhere else, in no particular order...

My friend told me my bangs were too short and then called me a hipster so I strangled him with one of the three scarves I was wearing.

— coolgal518 (@quintywinties) May 24, 2015

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) May 21, 2015

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

— Dave (@SCBamaMan) December 7, 2012

I don't send dick pics. I have an iPhone, I send slow motion panoramic videos of my dick.

— The Guy (@theguydf) May 21, 2015

Just made eye contact with some guy at the urinals while Taylor Swift's 'Shake It Off' played in the men's restroom & now I hate everything.

— Nathan (@stockejock) May 27, 2015

You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

— Where's the Xanax? (@DadtheDouchebag) January 13, 2015

The librarian said not to worry about my overdue fees, so tonight I'm going to propose to her.

— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 29, 2015

Gloria Estefan's rhythm has murdered 712 people.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 29, 2015

LASSIE (1955-G) Clever collie occasionally knocks helpless boy down well for treats.

— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) May 29, 2015

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 26, 2014

And there you have it! So have an awesome week! And to help it off with a smile, check out one of my favorite New Zealand-based novelty folk duos (I'm told there are at least three), Flight of the Conchords:

All the best,

Derek and Bosco