August 26, 2015

Space Mutiny

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Hey, everybody! Guess what! This past Sunday was Larry's birthday! And to celebrate, he sat down with Derek and Jake to watch a movie on par with Steel Dawn in its confusing and pointless plot. But this time, it was in space! With special effects by Industrial Lights and Magic (for an entirely different, and much better, project)!

Yes, they watched the ludicrously bad Space Mutiny, which featured the guy who played Steve Rogers in the 1979 made-for-TV movie version of Captain America!

He plays David Ryder, a thick wad of gristle in shiny Zubaz, who is bringing some doctor (we never find out who that is) to the Southern Sun, a ship that looks incredibly similar to the Battlestar Galactica, when he crashes his ship and kills the doctor immediately upon arriving. He barely makes up for it by rescuing the Southern Sun's captain's elderly daughter, Lea, as she attempt to run into the wreckage and save the doctor. She finds this to be incredibly arousing and attempts to seduce Ryder by waggling her shrink-wrapped lady bits at him through a hula hoop.

Lemme just put in my Nuva ring...
As this goes on, an evil guy with a big forehead is trying to spur a mutiny on the Southern Sun, and displace Captain Santa Claus so they can land the ship and set foot on an actual planet. (It turns out that the Southern Sun has just been knockin' around in space for about thirteen generations or so.)

Ho! Ho! Ho! I have no idea where I'm going without my team of elf cartographers!
The evil guy, Kalgan, first begins the mutiny by blowing up part of the sewage treatment plant that takes up most of the ship's basement, from the look of it (thirteen generations of poopin'...that's gonna take some time to process properly), and when that completely fails to give him control, he spends most of the rest of the film staring at screens intensely, laughing, threatening Captain Santa's grandma-daughter with laser dentistry, and trying to smile without looking like it hurts.

It does not go well.
Along the way, there are Mexican wrestlers killing people, those same people inexplicably resurrected without explanation, pirate attacks, and Stevie Nicks impersonators dancing around plasma globes from Spencer's Gifts.

Just like a white winged dove...
Nobody has any idea what is going on.

Larry is very, very sorry that he didn't choose to watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this, despite being given the option because it was his birthday.

Jake is extremely concerned about this movies attempts to make the Captain's daughter into some kind of sex symbol. It failed miserably, even with the hula hoop/ass presentation scene.

Derek just wants to know why there's a naked woman on the bridge, and why nobody is questioning her about it.

She's RIGHT THERE! And everybody is acting like it's no big deal!
There's also news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory with a twist, and another quick round of Cards Against Humanity.

So tune in and check it out! That way you never, ever have to watch this movie yourself!

If, however, you find yourself so inclined, here it is on YouTube.