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Welcome to week two of Multi-Movie Madness, where the guys discuss piles of related movies, all in one go!
This week, they sat down to talk about the George Lucas/Steven Spielberg/Harrison Ford quartet of
Indiana Jones movies. And what a weird conversation it was.
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Although, unlike these two, Derek, Larry and Jake were wearing pants
during their conversation. |
Rather than go over the plots of all four movies (
Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) in this rundown, we're mostly going to say funny things and put up pictures.
Raiders, of course, started the whole thing. And, as exciting as this movie is, it should be noted that almost everything, short of the opening sequence that is so iconic, almost everything in this movie could have happened without Indy there, and others would have been safer.
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The only major difference is that this big German guy wouldn't have
kicked Indy's ass. |
Oh, sure, people get killed and have their faces melted off their heads and everything, but it can be assumed that all of that was going to happen anyway, but probably quicker and with less smarm.
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This guy's masturbation sessions would have a whole different feel
to them, for instance. |
The Germans would have found the Ark...eventually. Belloq would have still insisted on opening it before taking it to Berlin. Marrion Ravenwood would have maybe been tortured a bit so the Nazis could get the Staff of Ra headpiece, but her bar would most likely not have been burned to the ground. Even Indy would have been able to hang back at the college he teaches at and maybe get some of that sweet college coed action. (Or whatever passed for that in the early 1940s...Probably firmly holding hands or something.)
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Frenchy LaFoofoo would have gone home, smoked tiny cigarettes, and
fathered several equally French children to make his family's shitty wine. |
So, really, Indy is the real problem in this flick. Just ask the guy he shot in cold blood at the bazaar. (A scene that happened because almost everyone on the cast and crew got food poisoning.)
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| Come on, buttcheeks! Stay together! |
In
Temple of Doom, we go backwards a little, and Indy is forced through a series of terrible situations that are largely a result of the horrible, screechy cow he's saddled with: Willie Scott. She's just awful. And about as useful as a broken dick.
But hey, she knows how to wear a tight, cleavage-showing dress, so she's
in!
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Here she is, preparing to ruin a simple religious ceremony. She's
a headbutt-to-the-groin of a person. |
Indy also has a small Asian boy named Short Round that hangs around with him. This makes sense, considering that his early, pre-movies relationship with Marrion shows us that he likes 'em young.
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| And kinda murdery. |
Indy and his hangers-on run across the Thugee, who are running some sort of child labor/Kali worship thing out of the basement of Pankot Palace in India, right under the nose of the maharajah, who is too busy being an effeminate 12-year-old who eats gross food. (As most 12-year-olds are wont to do.)
The Thugee also stole a village's Sankara Stone, and Indy wants to steal it back, but only so he can take it home and become famous and stuff, because, as we all know, archeology groupies will do anything (and we mean
anything) for a glimpse of a rock that looks like a baked potato with fork grooves carved in it!
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If you like your archeologists sweaty, covered in filth, and looking confused,
have we got somebody for you! |
For
Last Crusade, we get to meet Indy's dad, Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. -- a stern man who thinks it's okay to smack women and is obsessed with the Holy Grail. He and Indy don't get along very well, but they try.
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| And it goes swimmingly. |
Traveling with the Jones's friend Marcus to Venice, Italy, Indy hunts for his father, first running across (and pissing off) the Nazis again, and then incurring the wrath of a group that is dedicated to keeping the Grail hidden. But the Austrian archeologist that worked with Henry is easy on the eyes, so that makes everything pretty even, if you ask us.
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| Dad? Dad, is that you? I want you to meet Elsa... |
Once they find Henry, they reconnect with Marcus and Sallah (from
Raiders), and then lose Henry again, as the Nazis have recaptured him. This man is clearly a danger to himself and the others who are connected to him, as he is almost constantly putting their lives in danger by doing stupid things.
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| But Indy's not totally innocent on that count himself. |
The Grail itself is a complicated thing to find, what with tasks and traps and all kinds of whatever. Frankly, the end result really isn't worth what these guys went through.
By
Crystal Skull, it looks like the creators of these films had realized the same thing, so they put together this wreck of a film, and then they stuffed Shia LaBeouf in there,
and dragged Marrion back into it!
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| Fun Movie Fact: Indy was all up in this. |
There are Russians, aliens, nukes, a doughy Englishman who appears to have a history with Indy that is only vaguely elluded to, and John Hurt, because why the hell not.
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| They're just as confused and scared as you are, folks. |
The main Russian, though, is played by Cate Blanchett, and if you're turned on by thick-tongued accents and Moe Howard haircuts on your women, strap in!
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| You see, there should be a brain in there somewhere, Dr. Jones. |
Marcus is dead. Indy's dad is dead. Sallah is probably dead, as well, but he's a foreigner, so Indy doesn't even bother to mention him. But Mutt is there to cover all the slack-jawed jabbering any of those three could have mustered, and on that count, Shia LaBeouf shines like a guy who is in a movie that he has no right being in.
There's no need to go into the story at all here, because you will forget it literally moments after you read it. It's
that silly. Suffice to say, it's inter-dimensional beings. There. We saved you a rental.
Derek is bothered by the fact that our
hero is a shameless criminal. And he does
not mean just stealing items from the tombs of dead kings and whatnot. Indy is a murderer. He is a kidnapper. A lady puncher. (Although, it could be argued, this is a genetic trait he picked up from his father.) And, worst of all,
he is a pedophile. It's all right there, and it's disturbing as fuck.
Jake hates the bluescreen in these movies, but then concedes that he is nostalgic for it in
Crystal Skull because they did all the effects in that digitally. It doesn't feel the same. He also defends
Last Crusade to those who have turned on it since it first came out. The others will back him up on this: It's still a great flick. So shut up about it.
Larry is worried he'll be fired because he remembers almost nothing about
Last Crusade, and thinks it didn't feel like an
Indiana Jones movie. But not to worry; he won't be fired. He will, however, have to sit under the desk while Bosco takes over his chair. (Bosco knows how to appreciate a good Sean Connery performance in a fun movie.)
So get your man purse and whip, and tune in for this week's episode!
