Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you there. I was...scrapbooking. Yes, scrapbooking...AND NOTHING WEIRD.

And certainly not watching this for hours while I laugh like a schoolgirl.

Anyway, I haven't been on the Twitter very much this week because I've been out there, living life and reporting back on my findings!

Just convinced a guy dressed as a sandwich to put his fingers in my coworker's mouth. Makin' my own fun at work!

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 10, 2016

I've also made myself extremely vulnerable by sharing family secrets that have never been shared before!

The "Gray Waffle" was my grandpa's favorite sex move! https://t.co/PMOib3OvlI

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 11, 2016

DO YOU SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE?!

Excuse me while I dance out my rage, Kevin-Bacon-in-Footloose-style.

And, as has been the case recently, there were 8,463 debates, a bunch of primaries, and a bit of violence, because why the hell not. Frankly, I'm sick of it all. And then I found this tweet, which explains this election perfectly.

[P] "I am a big orange toddler. No fair that he got ice cream first. Brown people are scary. Lookit: boobies. WATCH ME! WATCH ME!"

— Paul and Storm (@paulandstorm) March 11, 2016

That pretty much wraps all that up.

Get down with ya bad self!

Anyway, over on Twitter, the funny was just piling up. And here I was, missing it. But I managed to find some good stuff because I didn't want to disappoint you, the tens of people who come here every week to see if dumbass ol' me was smart enough to pick one of your tweets that I retweeted for the list. If I didn't, please know that it has nothing to do with the quality of your work. If anything, it's more of a statement about my own work, which can best be described as "minimal".

All the same, let's have a look at what I've got this week, won't we? In no particular order...

it all began because bustin made me feel good. but now i'm bustin to feel normal. bustin to feel anything at all.

— LΞI (@leifromloihi) February 28, 2016

In a pic a good angle can take off 20 lbs, a good filter maybe 10 yrs. Presumably under ideal conditions I can negate my entire existence.

— ess bee fritz (@RandomAntics) June 29, 2015

Just saw a woman walking a donkey while texting at an intersection & I've never wanted to trade lives with someone more

— Doughnuts & Tiaras (@AmnesiaRose) March 4, 2016

A gourmet pizza is just a regular pizza with stuff that doesn't belong on a pizza on top of it.

— Lina Jane (@LinajkReturns) November 18, 2014

Sure I can keep your secret but I can't guarantee it won't end up on a sick hip-hop dis track someday

— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) March 8, 2016

there's a Wayne Brady headshot in this Chinese restaurant so I know it's good

— danielle weisberg (@_itsdanielle_) March 7, 2016

Just once, when a girl scout knocks, I want to open the door dressed as the Cookie Monster and go fucking nuts.

— Twisting My Words (@darkwise) April 2, 2015

"I'LL STAY AWAY TODAY AND EVERYDAY," he begged

"I don't believe you," I said as I continued to waterboard the doctor with applesauce

— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) November 3, 2015

My basic UFC fight plan would be to wear so many layers of clothes that the event gets cancelled before I strip down to my fight gear

— vonTraphaus (@vonTraphaus) March 6, 2016

I like to read from my Kindle in the middle of a library, just to be an asshole.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 10, 2016

And there you have it! WOO!

I...uh...I'm not sure what's really going on here.

So! Get out there, have a great week, and watch this awesome show called Impractical Jokers (not necessarily in that order):

All the best,
Derek and Bosco