Easter: Because if you believe a giant rabbit wants to give you chocolate and hides eggs for you, Zombie Jesus is easy!— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 27, 2016
As did others.
Jesus sleeps for 3 days and everyone goes mad. I spend 3 days in bed and I'm "Ruining easter" and "obviously have a drinking problem"— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 25, 2016
Today, everybody had to go back to work.
|Yes, even the Easter Bunny had to go in.|
And people had opinions about that.
Ted Cruz Sex Sandals I can believe.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 25, 2016
|Shown: Imagining anyone agreeing to have sex with Ted Cruz.|
TWO days in a row, I've had Order 66. I think the Burger King wants me to kill all the Jedi... pic.twitter.com/WqzoEvg7Po— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 24, 2016
Among other things...
Really, the only thing that's changed since I entered adulthood is my shoe size and amount of body hair.— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 25, 2016
These are the things that keep me awake at night, ya know?
|And things like this, but that's for my therapist to work out.|
|Woah! Woah! Not so close, guys!|
Adult Men who say "Totes!" Also call vaginas "What's That?!"— Mr. Hook™ (@Phook75) March 22, 2016
Logic puzzle: A Star Trek transporter mishap creates 2 of you. Which is the real you?— Rick G. Rosner (@dumbassgenius) September 1, 2013
A: Neither of you is ever getting a girlfriend.
British critics have seen Star Wars, and they don't like it one bit pic.twitter.com/Sc9LF7IhMF— just Noel (@ManCaveJokes) March 24, 2016
Planning a date is basically scheduling an evening where you aren't allowed to fart at all.— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) March 25, 2016
People joke about the tickle monster but one time he killed my dad— KangaRufio (@Topangaroo) March 25, 2016
My dog's got no nose.— Dave Roberts (@hi_robb) March 25, 2016
"How does it smell?"
How dare you make jokes about my disabled dog you insensitive, heartless bastard!
"I forgot to break my fast." I say, like some kind of hobbit.— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 25, 2016
Stop tweeting rap lyrics and go take your fiber, grandma.— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) March 23, 2016
You'd think the people in this store had never seen a woman buying a gallon of vodka, cranberry juice & shrimp while rage eating a burrito.— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) March 25, 2016
Computer, show me a dog in jail being given a cake pic.twitter.com/Nwa1jZkLDE— A.DEGEN(MAGICSERPLE) (@ADACTIVITY) March 25, 2016