Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! I hope all you moms out there had an awesome Mother's Day. And for everyone else (as well as a good portion of those moms), I hope you all had an awesome Star Wars Day! If neither of those works for you, I don't know what to tell you. You're on your own.

So you've got that going for ya...

Myself, I had a pretty interesting week. I witnessed some of the most horrible things ever to be shown on a television screen since the last presidential debate...

AAAGH! A half-melted wax figure of Rhea Perlman has become posessed by a demon and come to life! AAAAGH! pic.twitter.com/Od4FLu9QuF

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 3, 2016

Thank you, guy down the street who angled his TV so any passerby can see what specific porn you are, presumably, cranking your hog to.

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 3, 2016

But I also managed to find time to help a company with a slogan suggestion...

New sales slogan idea: "From our nuts...to your mouth." https://t.co/WO3HD6Ccjw

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 7, 2016

And even considered venturing out into the real world to actually speak to people.

I don't know many of my neighbors, BUT SOMEONE HAS A BOUNCY HOUSE IN THEIR FRONT YARD TODAY AND I WANT THEM TO BE MY NEW BEST FRIENDS...

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) May 7, 2016

I didn't...but I seriously considered it.

WHY DIDN'T I GO?!

Now, I know I said I was tired of talking about politics and Trump and all that silly shit, but this past week was too much to pass up.

A few days ago, in an attempt to appeal to the Hispanic and Latino voters out there who have almost no interest whatsoever in voting for him, he posted the following tweet:

Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA pic.twitter.com/k01Mc6CuDI

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016

Needless to say, a few of those Hispanics and Latinos felt that he really didn't mean it, probably because of the look on his face, and also because he basically made it a commercial for his own business. Dick.

Anyway, Twitter responded appropriately.

TRUMP: *dumps taco bowl in trash* Now bring me the tray of fried chicken and watermelon so I can show everyone how much I love the blacks.

— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 5, 2016

holy shit pic.twitter.com/zJGcHSRGqa

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 5, 2016

But that's not all!

Don't tweet angry!

Former candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz, who is totally not the Zodiac Killer, dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination.

Ted Cruz's final statement. pic.twitter.com/8CLyFQqkHq

— Rudolph King III (@WorldBThree) May 4, 2016

So, with the way clear (except for the minor obstacle of being completely and totally unelectable), Trump is on his way to going head-to-head with Hillary Clinton, or possibly even Bernie Sanders, who is still fighting the good fight.

In this example, Hillary could be Woody Harrelson,
and Bernie could be Bill Murray. Or vice versa. I think.

And, of course, there were the fine folks of Twitter to make me laugh because of their absurdity and weirdness. They're the real heroes. Let me show you why...

It's total garbage that breakfast in bed is considered loving, but covering them in warm soup until they wake up is "grounds for divorce"

— beth likes cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 2, 2016

[cat sets down his briefcase, takes off his hat]
Cat: Honey, it's come to my attention that they're anthropomorphizing us on the internet

— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) May 13, 2015

"Sir? Excuse me, sir? Sir? Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, Cthulhu?" pic.twitter.com/rFUxBApCRk

— Captain Underpants (@RealCaptainU) May 4, 2016

Wouldn't it be so depressing if Rick Astley did eventually give her up? After all that

— Sunny Mabrey (@SunnyMabrey) May 4, 2016

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son's hand and kissed my sister.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 4, 2016

At the Ministry of Forbidden Jokes, I am led past a door marked 'Updog'.
I say nothing.
Behind a one-way mirror my handler nods, impressed.

— Sad Affleck Fan (@aka_fatman) May 4, 2016

Pulled open a blanket and a billion unpaired socks fell out, like the world's most disappointing piñata.

— db (@findmydolls) May 3, 2016

BULLY: Want a Hertz donut?
KID: ya
[bully hands him donut]
[37yrs later]
DOCTOR: [to grown up kid] you have diabetes
BULLY: hurts, don't it?

— t-shit weather (@Jeff_G_Nixon) May 31, 2015

Report: Pizza Hut announces new pizza delivered by car made of pizza. "Why won't you make us stop?" the pizza chain was heard muttering.

— Commander Justice (@CommandrJustice) May 8, 2016

It's hard to find shorts that fit. They look ridiculous, and my chicken is very unhappy.

— Smoochie (@TySmithdrums) April 24, 2016

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a super awesome week! To help it along, here is yet another clip from the guys at Impractical Jokers:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco