January 25, 2017


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It takes a special kind of person to deal with a demonic posession. And the various religious sects have their known methods of handling situations like that. But according to this week's movie, there's also a few ways that the general public might not know. And it's for your own good.

And probably theirs.
This week, the guys sat down to watch Hellbenders, the 2012 horror/comedy written and directed by J.T. Petty, and starring Clifton Collins Jr, as Larry, Clancy Brown as Angus, Andre Royo as Stephen, Robyn Rikoon as Elizabeth, Macon Blair as Macon, Stephen Gevedon as Clint, and Dan Fogler as Eric.

There's a problem in New York: an angry god killer called Certr is loose, brought into existence by a librarian/retired rabbi (Larry Block), and it's looking to open the entrance to Hell. But there is one group that can stop him. They are The Augustine Interfaith Order of Hellbound Saints, led by Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski lookalike, Angus.

That pulsating hell portal really ties the room together, man.
Angus and his crew are a special breed of priests who have been given a special calling, which involves getting rid of demons. This can range from something as simple as your standard exorcism (who hasn't done one of those, right?) to opening themselves to be possessed by the demon themselves and then committing suicide, thereby being sent to hell and dragging the demon back there with them.

One of the rules of being in the Order is that you have to maintain a certain level of sin in order to be "damnation-ready". According to Stephen, the de facto bookkeeper, this involves a 6/4 split: six of the Ten Commandments broken, as well as having acted on four of the Seven Deadly Sins. Anything less means that they are not ready to carry out their job, so Angus makes sure to badger everyone into being up-to-date, although the others tend to be a bit lax about it.

Coming soon: Roadhouse III: God's House...
When Elizabeth and Macon are dispatched to deal with a "mongoloid manchild" that has been possessed for almost thirty years, things go very, very wrong. Certr was trapped in the boy by a collar made of iron with sigils inscribed on it. Elizabeth takes the collar off, causing Cersr to be released, taking over Elizabeth's body, and throwing Macon a few blocks into the windshield of a truck. Then, still in Elizabeth's body, Certr goes off in search of new followers. (He totally should have tried Twitter.)

Larry wants to rescue Elizabeth because he still has strong feelings for her, having slept with her a year earlier to hit his sin quota.  (Adultery, as he is married to a Penelope, played briefly by Samantha Buck.) However, Angus is convinced that she cannot be saved, and he urges Larry to let her go.

She probably has to go get some Corn Nuts for Heather anyway.
The argument between them is shut down pretty quickly when a representative of the Bishop tells them they are being shut down and some less...embarrassing people will be taking their place. During the funniest fight scene an exorcist-based horror film has ever experienced, the call comes in, and everyone heads for Staten Island for the big confrontation.

Will the Order get there before their replacements? Will Certr be stopped, or will he open a portal to Hell and bring about the end of mankind? Will Elizabeth survive? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Or these guys will kick your ass.
Derek never saw this before. It was awesome, especially for a direct-to-video release. But what's going on with Larry's hair? Seriously. He looks like a Chia Pet that has mange. Still, a good flick.

Larry is not the one Derek was wondering about just now. But he is the guy who also liked this film, although he would have liked to see a little bit more of this "Hell portal" thingie all the kids seem to be so interested in these days.

Jake picked this movie, and he was right to do so. He knows that, too, so don't bother to say anything like that. He likes it, especially Clancy Brown's appearance. He also wonders about something we didn't mention in this post counting as one of Larry's sins. We're still not sure.

So put on your vestments, get your kit ready, and listen to this week's show!