January 4, 2017

The Revenant (2009)

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

The guys are back, and they're ready to start the new year with another movie that will make you wonder just what it is that someone's been putting in the food over here at Ugly Couchcast Industries, 2009's The Revenant, starring David Anders, Chris Wylde, Louise Griffiths, and Jacy King.

First and foremost, it needs to be noted that this movie should not be confused with 2015's The Revenant, which features Leonardo DiCaprio being mauled by a bear. And while the 2009 movie lacks any sort of bear attack (which, let's be honest, could have only made it better), it does include undead guys killing criminals. (Which is itself pretty awesome, but add in a bear attack and it will, like any other movie, become infinitely more awesome. Go ahead and try it. Fried Green Tomatoes? Bear attack. Bang! Instantly better. Citizen Kane? Already awesome because there's an unplanned pterodactyl in it, but even better with a bear attack in it. And there's even an opportunity to increase the awesomeness of animated movies! Imagine how much more dramatic Finding Nemo would have been if there was a swimming bear following Nemo and Dory the whole time, trying to eat them...)

Sorry, buddy. Maybe next time.

Bart (Anders) is a soldier in Iraq, and while out on patrol, he accidentally kind of hits a little kid with his transport truck. When he gets out to check on the kid, it turns out to be an ambush, and he is killed pretty quickly. Not a great way for the hero of the film to start. But a month later, when his body is returned to the states for his funeral, he suddenly wakes up and is unsure what happened. All he knows is that he's really stiff, and his mouth is sewn shut.

The real cause of "duck lips".
After he cuts his mouth stitches, he makes his way to his best friend Joey's (Wylde) house, hoping to get some help and maybe an explanation for what happened to him. Joey, naturally, responds poorly at first, convinced that someone is messing with him when Bart first knocks on his door. When he sees that it actually is Bart, Joey takes it even worse, hitting him with a baseball bat and screaming a lot before realizing that his best friend, who he thought was dead, is now...undead.

Joey tries to feed Bart, but it doesn't go well, and involves gallons of gross black fluid all over the carpet. A quick trip tot he hospital ensues, and the nurse (Stacy Glassgold) is unable to determine exactly what the problem is, except that Bart does not look well, and she calls for help. Bart runs out, and Joey takes him back to the apartment, where Bart "dies" as the sun is coming up.

The next morning, Joey makes breakfast and tries again, but it ends the same way it did last time, but all over the kitchen table. This is a pretty gooey film. It soon becomes apparent that regular living people food isn't going to do the trick, so they sneak into a different hospital (or blood bank) so Bart can get some human blood. When he's caught by a nurse (Yvette Freeman) while trying to break into the cooler where the blood is, he pulls a gun on her, and she tries to convert him to Scientology. (Did we mention that this is a comedy/horror film?)

Like The Office meets Night of the Living Dead.
Loaded with fresh blood, Bart is ready to party, so he and Joey cruise the L.A. Strip, trying to pick up women. Again, Bart "dies" as the sun comes up, and Joey has to carry him up to the apartment again.

Joey gets hold of Mathilda (King), a nurse and practicing Wiccan, to give Bart a look and see what can be done. She suggest cutting his head off because she is convinced Bart is a vampire. Joey refuses and demands she not tell Bart's former girlfriend, Janet (Griffiths), that he is back. mathilda grudgingly says she won't, but breaks that promise almost immediately. But we'll get to that.

Mathilda: Cute? Yes. Helpful? Not particularly.
That night, while out cruising around again, Joey and Bart are mugged by a Hispanic guy named Miguel (Emiliano Torres) who takes offense at them being in his part of town. He shoots Bart, but that doesn't slow him down. He and Joey kill Miguel, and Bart drinks his blood. Inspired by this, as well as a robbery they stop the next day, Joey and Bart decide to become vigilantes, ridding Los Angeles of the criminal element, as well as finding a regular source of food for Bart so he won't decompose. It's win-win!

Shortly after, Mathilda brings Janet to Joey's apartment, having told her about Bart. Janet sees Bart when he revives that night, and they spend some quality time together. Mathilda, however, still thinks that Bart needs to be killed, and accuses Joey of stringing him along because he feels guilty about sleeping with Janet after Bart's funeral.

Out for another night of fighting (and eating) crime, Joey tries to get involved when it looks like Bart is being outnumbered while stopping a convenience store robbery, and he gets gutshot for his efforts. While driving around, looking for a hospital, Joey dies and Bart feeds on him.

Joey IS Dennis Franz as Weasel in Deadpool!
The next day, Joey comes back, and they start killing bad guys with more enthusiasm. When they invade a warehouse full of drug dealers, they kill all of them, only to discover that they were cops. Joey is okay with it because they were dirty cops, but Bart is still upset. Before they can do anything more, Mathilda shows up, having followed them to the warehouse, and confronts them, revealing that she recorded video of them killing the cops and is going to send it to Janet, the police, and anybody else who will listen. Joey wants no part of that, so he shoots her, but not before she can send the video to Janet.

Hello. We've come to ask if you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal s-BRAAAAAIIIINNNS!
A plan is hatched to get them out of town, and Joey takes off to find transportation for them. Bart takes Joey's car back to the apartment to get their stuff together, only to find Janet waiting for him. She tells him that there's no reason for him to keep killing people because he can feed off of her. She slices her arm and he feeds. In fact, he sort of overfeeds, killing Janet. Whoops.

Joey arrives with a tricked-out hearse, and Bart tells him what happened with Janet, which leads to the funniest scene of the movie, where the two shoot each other over and over while arguing about what to do next. Bart wants to wait and see if Janet comes back. Joey wants to cut her up and toss her in the river. When Bart refuses, Joey leaves.

Realizing Joey was probably right, Bart cuts Janet into pieces, wraps her up, and throws the parts into the river they had been dumping their victims into the whole time. Unfortunately, the police SWAT team is there, and they take Bart prisoner. Again, while in his cell, he "dies", and his body is taken to the morgue, where he awakens the next morning, just in time to give a coroner (David Ross Paterson) a fatal heart attack. Escaping again, he heads back to the apartment.

Woah-woah-woah! Put on some shorts, pal!
Meanwhile, Joey is having problems of his own. It turns out that Miguel is back now, and he's a little unhappy about what happened to him. He woke up at the bottom of the river with fish eating his eyelids. He does not look good at all. But he figured out what happened, and how to end it, so he cuts Joey into little pieces, delivering his head to the doorstep of the apartment where Bart is.

Another funny scene ensues involving Bart making Joey's severed head talk with a vibrator that Joey just happened to have in his nightstand. Joey informs Bart that Miguel is coming for him, and then asks Bart to let him die because "I don't want to spend eternity with a fuckin' dildo strapped to my chin." Bart obliges, using a steamroller. It, like much of the other stuff in this movie, is really gooey.

Steamroller death > Dildo voicebox
Unable to deal with having to destroy his best friend and killing his girlfriend, Bart decides to end it all, but it turns out to be not nearly as easy as he hopes. After multiple attempts, he finds himself on the subway with his arm in his hand. (This is not a typo. Trust us on this.) A quick murder later, and the police are at the subway station to stop him...

Will it work? Will Bart finally get the release he wants? Will the police efficiently do what nobody else could? You'll have to watch to find out.

Jake picked this one, and he loves it, although he is a bit disappointed with the green screen work done at the end of the film. Otherwise, it's a great mix of comedy and horror, and he will be happy to talk about ti at length with anyone who wants to.

Larry also loved it, being a fan of the undead and all, and is the only one of the guys able to come up with a reasonable term for what Bart actually is: a "Zompire"--not quite a zombie, but also not quite a vampire. Something in between.

Derek came into this one with low expectations (mostly because of the lack of bear attacks, to be honest), and was pleasantly surprised. He has a lot of questions, though. What is the army's deal? Also, why was there a random dong just all out there in one scene?

So ice up your dead buddy, prepare a Spam omelette, and tune in to this week's episode!